When Will the Rain Stop?
by KurokoKawaii17
Summary: "Why did they always have to give me such a hard time? It wasn't just one or two of them. They all did. Everyone I knew gave me shit. They insulted and demeaned me if I messed up or didn't understand something. It was like this all the time, and I've had enough. I'm so tired. I'm just so damned tired of it all. I get that I'm a failure. They didn't need to tell me..." Ichigo POV
1. Chapter 1

**When Will the Rain Stop?**

 **Chapter 1**

 ***Thank you for clicking on this fanfic! I'm really insecure about this so let me know what you think! If you don't, then that's okay too, I'm just grateful that you're willing to read my story. X3**

 **Disclaimer** **: I own nothing! I don't own Bleach at all. All rights and credits go to their respective places… unfortunately I don't own Ichigo or Grimmjow, mighty fine hunks of men right there… too bad**

 **Warning:** **It's sad. I rated it M for course language, a depressive theme, gore in later chapters, and sexually suggestive stuff in later chapters. Plus I don't have a beta-reader for this, so it might not be the best, but just know I tried my best T ^ T (even if my best may be shit…)**

 **Anyways, I hope you enjoy it***

Why did they always have to give me such a hard time?

It wasn't just one or two of them. They all did.

Pretty much everyone I knew – everyone that I know – gave me shit. They all insulted and demeaned me whenever I messed up or didn't understand something. It was like this all the time, and I've had enough.

I'm so tired. I'm just so damned tired of it all. I get that I'm a failure. They didn't need to tell me, I already knew…

Why couldn't they just leave me alone if I was such a bothersome troublesome moron that couldn't understand simple shit? It has always been like this… ever since the very beginning.

When Rukia had 'trained' me on how to use the Shinigami powers that were bestowed upon me. When she was taken from the living world to be executed. When I trained to get my own Shinigami powers. When I trained to achieve bankai solely to save her. When I was losing my fucking sanity to my hollow. When I left to save Orihime from Aizen. When I fought the Arrancar and the Espada. When I fought Aizen. When I lost my powers. Even when I went to fucking school.

Throughout everything, I'd been affronted, belittled, and wronged by my friends. They never tried to understand where I was coming from, and even if they did, they had fucking failed miserably. They even had the fucking _gall_ to say that they understood.

They don't think I fucking know it.

I can practically hear their thoughts as I read their body language, listen to their tone of voice, and observe their personality and quirks to a point where I know more about them than they do themselves. I know fucking psychology. It was something that stuck out to me while my instructors had forced me to research future career paths, so I had studied up on it. I saw what I was blinded to before, and I kind of wish I didn't.

I saw that Ishida would never forgive me if I ever lost a fight. I saw that Ioune loves me, but she relied on me so much that it was stifling me with the amount of pressure _she_ had put on me. I saw that Chad, despite that this is out of the goodness of his heart, wanted to get stronger so he could fight besides me or even so he could best me.

Though they haven't seen it. Ishida and Ioune hadn't seen that they were crushing me, suffocating me. Chad hadn't seen how it had hurt that I had to bring him along to fight my fights even though he chose to follow me. It harmed me that he thought that he couldn't fight beside me, and it hurts me to see him get injured for my sake. It made me feel alien when he though that he couldn't fight beside me, and it ached. It made me feel like a freak. But, maybe that's just what I am. Just a damn freak. A human that used to have Shinigami powers, that demolished the line between Shinigami and hollow, and fought like a god, just to lose it all.

Speaking of Shinigami powers, don't even get me started on Rukia and my friends at the Soul Society. Could I even call them friends anymore? Can I even consider that Rukia is my friend? Ha, no. She's not my friend anymore. But it's for the better… 

Rukia… the one who I'd held the most gratitude for, the one who was supposed to understand me the most, the one who was very important to me, the one who'd once held my affections. 

Not anymore. 

Not after everything that had happened after all of this time. 

She was so significant to me. She had changed my fucking world. She gave me the power to protect, something that I'd so longed for, with every fiber of my forsaken being.

However, the way I saw her slowly changed as time dragged on and when I slowly removed the blindfold that was shielding my jaded eyes. 

When she gave me her powers, I was so damn grateful. She was like my beacon of hope. She was my saving grace from the miserable place that I was stuck in when I was powerless. Even when she was teaching me, she was a bit harsh, but I thought that was just how she was and that she meant well, so I put on a brave face, ignored the sensitive part of me and continued on to help. When she was taken away from me, I was miserable. 

I was useless; I was so fucking useless I almost wished I'd died right where I was sprawled out in a blood mess on the road in the rain. She'd even said I was stupid and that she wouldn't forgive me if I went after her. Why would she say that? Did she not know that I understood the consequences and risks if I went after her? Of course I fucking knew. It went without saying. I'm not as stupid as I look… right?

Well I must be pretty moronic, huh? Besides, when Urahara came and retrieved my broken body from the ground, he gave me a verbal smack down, and then he trained me so then I actually had some chance of survival. Sure, I was a handful, but I was just playing the part of myself. I'm a stubborn greenhorn that's feisty and never gives up with raging determination and a will so strong it shook people to their core. But all of that doesn't mean that I don't get hurt… it just means that I use what I know to my advantage and to hide my weak frail self from everyone. Everyone, but Zangetsu.

After I had learned Zangetsu's name and went into my inner-world from time to time, he'd eventually muttered to me that he didn't like the rain… but I couldn't stop the rain from falling. Sure, when I'd been preoccupied with fighting, or when I'd successfully protected someone, or when I though I did something worthwhile, or when I achieved something or a goal, the rain would stop, but only temporarily before it fucking poured. I always tried to stop the rain, and I'm sure Zangetsu knew that, which was why he'd always helped me. Though, he still left, not that I could blame him. It rained all the time, and I was the one who used that god-like technique and warded him off despite the fact that I did it to protect my hometown, Earth, and Soul Society from Aizen.

Speaking of Soul Society, ever since I went there to save Rukia, they'd been so reliant on me, and they tried to keep a goddamn leash on me: a fucking fifteen-year-old highschooler who'd only wanted to protect the ones who were close to me. Was I really that bad of a guy for wanting the power to protect my loved ones? Though, I realized why they wanted to keep me close.

They just wanted to use me, like a fucking tool, and used me they did. I was an instrument, and they played me like the fucking flute I was. Even when I didn't realize it they used me, and when I did realize it, they continued to use me. Though, I just let them at that point; I'd given up. I was sapped of my energy, of my will to fight and argue that I was more than some _object_. Besides, why would I argue against something that I agreed with?

Besides, they weren't concerned for me as a person, or as a friend. I thought they were, but I had realized that they weren't.

I mean, why the fuck did Byakuya not ask any damn questions when he saw my hollow try to fight him in my stead during our final battle? Okay, he wouldn't during the fight, and maybe he didn't ask me out of some sort of respect, but still. Couldn't he see how fucking abnormal it was and how I was struggling with something that we both didn't know about? If he were really my friend, or even my ally, wouldn't he at least question it?

Well, maybe that's just me complaining. I mean… I need to take care of my own fucking issues and deal with it myself, right? Yeah, that's it. I'm just a coward, right? Too scared to face my problems like the pathetic wuss I am.

I mean, Rukia had basically said that when she came back to school with Toshiro, Ikkaku, that guy with the fancy eyebrow and eyelash, Rangiku, and Renji, after Shinji showed himself and tried to recruit me.

When I saw her I was elated. Before, when she was taken away and when I saw her almost die, I had realized that I couldn't lose her for more than just repaying a fucking debt. I'd realized that I'd grown to love her throughout the rather short time that I'd spent with her prior.

So I was practically bursting with happiness, yet I was writhing in sorrow. I was happy that she came back to me and that we could finally hang out and share each other's company. Yet, I was assaulted with agonizing emotions because of how helpless, hopeless, pitiful, and miserable I was feeling. That fucking hollow in me was causing my iron grip on my sanity to rust and corrode and… yeah, I was absolutely fucking petrified.

So when she came, I thought I could find some sort of comfort from her. I thought she could somehow help me emotionally, since she had before when I was powerless.

Though, she didn't do that. She just beat me up, threw me in a life-threatening situation quite literally – seriously, I was lucky that it was a low-ranked hollow and that I dodged that its attack on time - told me I was a coward indirectly, and to man the fuck up.

She hadd sounded as though she knew _exactly_ what I was going through, and in my blind affection for her, I just took it with a pinch of salt and cheered up as to not worry her anymore.

Little did she, or anyone – including me for that matter – know that I was actually pretty torn up by the whole thing. I didn't feel awful in the moment, but later, when I was alone, I realized that Rukia's actions hit a sore spot, and my hollow used and abused that sore spot. I was so fucking emotionally distraught and tortured, but I always put up a brave tough front and plowed through the pain.

It was much easier to deal with everything when I fought. It was like my outlet. It was a way to take out my depressing emotions without consoling someone. It also made it easier to hide what I felt from everyone so then they wouldn't worry about me… would they actually worry? When I think about it… I fucking doubt it; unless it affected my fighting I doubt they would even bat an eyelash. I bet they would think it was stupid and that I needed to get stronger, so what did it fucking matter if I hid my little insignificant feelings from them. So, I just pretended that the pressure that they put on my slim shoulders wasn't crushing what little life I had out of me. I just pretended that their words and actions didn't hurt me as I became painfully aware of how I was treated and realized how others should treat me. Not like some asset, or someone that was better than them, or some soldier. Or even like some moron that needed to be taught the hard way with cruel words or with no words at all if they thought the explanation was too hard for someone like me to understand.

I was – ha, I _am_ – just a fucking tool. It became very apparent when the Vaizard, Arrancar and Espada showed up. I had realized my inadequacy. I'd realized my inability to prevent my destructive hollow from withering away at my sanity. So I trained with the Vaizard to take control of my hollow through rigorous and dangerous means, nevertheless it was my choice and I succeeded so I was rather grateful to that bizarre group, but I selfishly didn't join them.

I didn't betray Soul Society once. I did their work as a substitute Shinigami and I fucking helped and saved that place when I was under no obligation to do so. Not just me, my little rag-tag group of friends also helped out, but even when I fought like I was supposed to, they basically abandoned Orihime and me. At first none of them helped me infiltrate Hueco Mundo to save her when she was kidnapped – though in there defense, I guess it looked like she'd betrayed them - so I just got the two guys who'd most likely had a crush on her, Ishida and Chad, to come save her.

Maybe that was too harsh. I mean, they did help me in my selfish endeavors, and I am sure they meant well, and Chad going to save her is more understandable, since they spent the most time together… but at this point, I'm just too tired to give a fuck. 

We went to save her, but for some reason, I was consumed by my bloodlust and belligerence. I wanted to fight. I wanted to get stronger: just like how Rukia and everyone around me were telling me to for all this time. Though – if I remember correctly – I'd been scolded once or twice that, since the goal was to save Orihime, not to fight, and I understood that, but I was still kind of confused. 

They always told me to get stronger… so couldn't I kill two birds with one stone? Kill all the bad guys, gain experience, and rescue the princess? So, what I was doing wasn't wrong. Though, when I thought that, I felt something break inside. I felt that something break, shrivel and die, and I soon found out that it was the feeling part of what I used to be call my heart. What was left was a wretched void that continued to suck the life out of me as I fought my way through Hueco Mundo to do the job that no one else would do: to save a friend; to protect; that was what I was made for… right?

I guess what was wrong was how I horrified Ioune when I was fighting Grimmjow, yet I couldn't get myself to feel bad about it or care – I still can't – because… something happened when I fought Grimmjow in Hueco Mundo. Something I hadn't expected. I hadn't even noticed it when we fought the first time. I guess it was because I was caught up with Rukia's well-being – but I was dissed by her for the last time; after that I genuinely didn't care anymore, I just acted like how everyone would expect me to. Anyway, when I had fought him the second time in the living world, I didn't suspect much. At that time, I had just noticed that something was… off. For some reason, I was happy that he looked for me, that I could show off my mask, that I'd scarred him, marked him, and that I could see his face. I was even a bit concerned as to what happened to his arm. Though, I expected nothing like what had happened in Hueco Mundo. Nothing at all.

When I was fighting him there, I realized how much I _fucking_ loved his overpowering, silky, warm, enamoring reiatsu. I realized how blue his eyes were as they shown in passion and fiery. I realized that I _reveled_ in the feeling of him trying to overpower me with everything he had and everything he was. I fucking _squirmed_ when I saw his predatory eyes darken as if he were locking onto his prey, ready to tear into me. I realized how much I was so impressed by, and… attracted… to his strength… and I thought I was the only one who was affected by our rather unusual fights, but when that other Espada, Nnoitra, came in, Grimmjow mumbled something to me. Something only I had heard before he was blasted away and disappeared from my life. He'd said: "I'll find you, Strawberry, so we could have a rematch. We'll meet again."

When I heard those words, I fucking _clung_ to them like a lifeline. Those words made me hopeful. They breathed some life into that dead part of my heart that I thought couldn't be restored. It gave me a little flicker of hope.

For what reason?

I'm not sure, not even to this day. I just knew – I know – that he'd find me once again, so I tried my best for him too. To be honest, another reason why I wanted to fight Nnoitra so badly – other than my thirst for blood and my mission to save Ioune - was because the bastard blew Grimmjow away. However, that plan was tossed when Kenpachi came and I was brushed off to the side to get healed, which was a good call, I'm not complaining. Besides, I had to have a rematch with Ulquiorra. Though, that was that a wretched god-awful fight.

He whipped my novice ass and when my hollow took over, terrified Orihime, gravely injured Ishida, and murdered Ulquiorra. Then, when I said I didn't want to end the fight like I did, he'd said something along the lines of me being selfish, ignorant, and arrogant before he died. I can' remember everything… I was too caught up in the whirlwind of reactions I was experiencing.

I remember feeling overwhelmingly guilty, gut-wrenchingly melancholy, and insanely distraught. All of which collided together in a wretched bloody mess in my chest. I was bombarded with these emotions when I realized what I had done, the monster I had become, and when I witnessed that one interaction between Ioune and Ulquiorra. It looked as though I had unconsciously killed a man that was just realizing that emptiness wasn't the only thing that he was able to feel. It looked as though I had killed a man that held at least some affection for one of his dear friends, and I had taken that man away from her, even though that same man was going to possibly kill her and everyone else. Still, I couldn't help but endure what I was feeling. I swallowed the lump in my throat, got scolded by Ishida and went back down into the palace to save Renji, Chad and Rukia.  
All of who may have seemed slightly upset that I butted into their fight, but they were thankful that I was going to help them. Then, I was carted off to fight Aizen.

I was informed that I was their last hope. I was Soul Society's, the worlds, my hometowns, my friend's, my family's last hope of survival, and believe it or not, that was a little too much to handle – but I couldn't think about it. I refused to think about it. I refused to consider the weigh of the world on my shoulders. I refused to think about just how much pressure was constricting me and how much hope was riding on me. I was in denial the whole trip from Hueco Mundo to Earth, and when I had arrived I was forced to face the music.

Aizen was way too fucking strong. I had no idea how these people thought a fifteen-year-old boy was going to defeat a god, but I decided to ignore my feelings for the umpteenth time as I fought with every fiber of my being. Then, when everyone from Soul Society in the living world were down for the count, and when I saw Urahara, Yoruichi and my fucking father hopelessly fight Aizen, I faced the cold, hard truth that I couldn't fight Aizen and his transcendent powers. When I felt his reiatsu, I was surprised that my father could even fathom that they could beat him, and when I told him that, I was even more flabbergasted that he couldn't feel just how intense, just how petrifying, just how _suffocating_ Aizen's reiatsu was.

Then my father helped me train in the dimension between Soul Society and the living world, treating me like I was the last flicker of hope for mankind – which I was – but for my own sake I ignored that detail as went to get Zangetsu to tell me that forsaken technique my father was ranting about.

Though, when I went into my inner world, I was met with a sight that made me dreadful.

I found myself in an ocean. Baffled, I called for Zangetsu until I eventually I met the 'new' younger version of Zangetsu. Only then did I finally notice that my inner world's city turned into my hometown.

My inner world was flooded with all of the rain that had poured in. I was wretched, and filthy, despite the ocean I was submerged in.

I fucking knew that Zangetsu hated the rain.

I fucking knew that meant that he hated it when I was miserable, distressed, or frightened. Yet, what the fuck did I do? I let it _pour_. Sure, I tried to brush it all off, I tried to be okay, I tried to not let the words spoken to me or the actions of others harm me, but I had failed.

So fucking what if I tried? I tried and I failed. Like the utter failure I was. I wanted to apologize profoundly to Zangetsu, but instead I focused on the task at hand. Besides, I was sure that Zangetsu, deep down; he knew that I'd tried and that I would be sorry. At least he knew that I wasn't awful or moronic… right?

So, when I figured out what I needed to do to learn the technique – I actually felt better about it, since I had to get stabbed. It was strangely reassuring that at least Zangetsu got to get out some little frustrations out on me while I was able to learn that technique. Though, I did feel somewhat guilty since it pained Zangetsu so much to tell me that technique, but I chose to ignore it for the good of everyone around me. I'd even remembered thinking for the good of Grimmjow too, but I was too swept up in chasing after Aizen that I hadn't thought about it too much.

When I was too late to save Gin – who was actually a good guy – I used my rather negative emotions towards my incompetence and lashed out at Aizen. I used the technique Zangetsu so reluctantly told me and I demolished him. I beaten him into the ground, but only god knows how he'd survived, and thank that same god that Urahara came and cleaned up my mess by sealing that crazy motherfucker away. So, with that problem solved, I only had one problem left.

I lost my powers.

Everyone was so shocked when they learned that I was once again powerless. I'm sure that it was because they knew how important it was for me to protect that they might have felt bad that I lost my powers, but to be truthful I didn't need them to feel bad for me.

I could have done that all on my own, and I did. I felt absolutely despondent. I was so fucking hopeless and helpless. I mean, even when I didn't have Shinigami powers, I could still at least see ghosts… but now, I see nothing remotely supernatural and it was insanely unnerving. Yet, I didn't show it. I refused to show it.

However, it wasn't like anyone really cared after a few days, after I had woken up from being unconscious after that fight.

Once they saw that I was physically well, they left. My friends at Soul Society, Rukia, they left with a 'thank you' on their lips and they never looked back. Even to this fucking day, I still haven't seen them once, despite the fact that I can't see spirits anymore; I didn't even see them in their gigai.

For the friends that I can see - Inoue, Ishida and Chad - well, they more or less disappeared from my life. Sure, I saw them around once in a while, but other than that, nothing.

They acted like I didn't exist. I'm not certain why they did this, but I believe it's because it was easier for them to go about doing Soul Society business. They thought that it would _help_ me if they alienated me, so then I could cope with life without my powers, but they were wrong.

I still remembered when they started avoiding me. I had called out to them and they walked past me as if I were a spirit they couldn't see. They didn't even spare me a glance. My beaten-up heart fucking shattered in that moment, cutting up my lungs and chest as the sharp fragments littered my insides, wounding me deeply. I'd tried maybe once or twice more… however I still got no response. They acted as if I were invisible; they just looked right through me. They completely ignored me in every possible way. I can't even _begin_ to find the words for how… _transparent_ and _empty_ I was – not that those feelings ever went away. It was as if they were oblivious to my very existence, and it was like this ever since my deific fight with Aizen.

Nevertheless, from time to time, I see Ishida sprint down the halls in the middle of class, and every time I do, a twinge of guilt and sorrow stab into the thing I called my heart, even if he ignored me. I knew he was fighting hollows, but I couldn't – I can't – help but think that it was supposed to be _my_ responsibility and that I was awful for having to pass that responsibility onto someone else.

I couldn't help but feel bad that I was useless now, even though I knew that I was being used, I still reveled in the thought that I was helpful… I sound like a masochistic bitch… but maybe that's what I am.

I mean, think about it, why else would I endure everything despite the fact that I was the only one who could? If I really wanted to, I could have achieved my powers and stopped helping Soul Society to fulfill my own goals at some point. I could have just mastered my hollow, think that Soul Society sucked and that Aizen's side looked a lot better, but I didn't… why? Because I was so used to groveling on the ground like the dog I was, and I fought for what I was convinced was right.

However, what if Aizen's theories and ideals were right? As bat shit crazy that sounded. Though, what the fuck did I know? I was just a brainless dumbass tool remember? 

Yet, when I think about Aizen and his little group of ultra-powerful supernatural beings, I found that I could kind of relate to them.

Aizen's soul cutter was compete hypnosis, doesn't that imply that no one under that hypnosis can see his 'true' face? Well, I'm the same. I hide behind what people think of me. I hide behind a kind, warm smile: hiding my 'true' face and masking what I really think and feel. I hide behind my image. I hid behind the image of a brave, kind, strong-willed, unmoving, stubborn, vigorous teenager who is unaffected by one's brutal words and actions.

I can even relate to Gin. I'm sure his personality isn't a façade, but he certainly wore a nearly impenetrable mask. He had been smiling – albeit a fucking creepy, serpent-like smile – for so damn long, standing side-by-side with his immortal enemy that he'd wanted to kill throughout all that time, only to think that he'd finally killed him, and realizing he actually failed and had to leave it up to a stranger. I felt horrible for this man when I had seen him try to kill Aizen and failed. I was too far away to be of any use but I will saw it, and I had pieced together that Gin had been lying to his friends and family for a _long_ time, to ultimately try and stop their greatest enemy. When I had pieced all of that together, I was jarred with how we were alike.

Nevertheless, I never told anyone, amongst other things, what I thought. Not about Aizen. Not about Gin. Not about Soul Society, not about Rukia, and not about my friends in the living world or Soul Society – and most definitely not about Grimmjow.

Not a soul could know about what happened between us and how I feel about that hollow-Shinigami panther. Except for _maybe_ Yuzu and Karin, everyone I know -Soul Society, Orihime, Ishida, Chad, my human friends - would probably disown me, and they would all think of it as a betrayal. Soul Society would definitely think I switched sides and they would come after the both of us, but I don't have to worry about that yet… or maybe ever… it _has_ been half a year since and he still hasn't shown up… but being the fool that I have proven to be, I still held onto his words with a vice-like grip. I keep them close to my bloody 'heart' so I can face another fucking merciless day.

Speaking of starting another merciless day, I should probably stop reliving past hurts like I always do and get up from bed to get to school.

' _Shit, another restless night,'_ I thought to myself as I pulled off the covers. A jaw-popping yawn escaped me as I stretched my arms over my head. I heard nearly all of my vertebra pop before I stood to go brush my teeth and get dressed. _'Damn, I'm so tired. I can feel the exhaustion all the way down to my bone marrow… I guess that's what happens when one reflects on their past huh? ... But… why does my chest feel like caving in? Like there's a weight in it, pulling me down? It's always hard to breath…'_

"Ichigo!" Kon hollered at me, glaring up at me with his artificial eyes. I didn't even get a chance to answer before he started yelling at me like how he usually did.

"Hurry up and get your ass to school! Idiot! If you don't get up now you'll be late! If you don't get to school you'll get even dumber! Though, even if you go, you'll never become as smart as Nee-chan or me!" He ranted obnoxiously. He swooned when he mentioned Rukia. I cringe inwardly. I know he's just being stupid… but after all this time, hearing things like this repeatedly… I've been starting to doubt myself. _'Maybe I really am stupid… maybe I am what everyone says I am…_ '

I kept that thought to myself as I wore my usual scowl on my face. I ignored him and stepped on his fluffy head as I made my way to my closet.

A small unnoticeable sigh passed through my lips as I thought _'Ugh, another day, huh? I wonder if I'll meet him today? Grimmjow…'_

I've thought that every day since he'd muttered those words to me, and that was the only thing I could get myself to look forward to.

"Ichigooooooo!" My bat shit crazy old man screamed as he soured through the air in an attempt to tackle me. I grunted while a nerve pinched on my forehead. Smoothly dodging it, I retrieved my uniform, and left to the bathroom, ignoring his whining as I went.

' _Blasted old man… He does nothing but nonsense. Why can't he just…? I don't know, try to be an adult and give me advice on some things? It's not like I haven't tried to ask for it… but I guess it doesn't matter, huh? So what if he'd missed most of my childhood working and taking care of the clinic? Besides, ever since mom died… ever since I got her killed… he'd been supporting this family, so I shouldn't be greedy, huh? Yeah, I'm just an ungrateful bastard…'  
_

"Ichi-nii?" 

I was pulled out of my sad musings once I heard someone call me. I'd realized I was sitting at the table with breakfast in front of me. I looked up to see Karin and Yuzu looking at me suspiciously. I grunted a 'what' as I picked up my rice bowl and started eating. 

' _Shit, when did I shower, get dressed, and brush my teeth? I must have been too lost within my thoughts to realize what was happening… though… it feels like I am living through a screen, just watching myself do actions, like how one plays a first person video game. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's why I don't' remember clearly? Right?'  
_

"I was _saying_ ," Karin began haughtily, interrupting my thoughts once again as she pointed her chopsticks at me. 

I quietly ate as she spoke about the latest soccer gear that she'd seen in the store until my stomach complained to me that it was full, which I thought was rather weird, but now it had kind of been the new normal. 

I'd only eaten half of a bowl of rice, two fried eggs, about half of a piece of toast and one cup of orange juice; and I was stuffed already. I felt guilty as I looked down at the food that was left uneaten. ' _I'm the worst. I bet someone who was hungry would curse me to my fucking grave. I mean, look at me, I'm fucking full and I'm leaving food left over…'_

"Nii-chan?" A small cute voice beckoned me. 

"Hm? Yes, Yuzu?" I answered without looking up at her. I simply looked at my food, closed my eyes, shooed away my negative thoughts, and summoned a gentle smile to cast her way to show her that I was fine.

"Are you done eating?" She asked inquisitively, somewhat surprised that I've been eating so scarcely as of late, but to be honest, it has been like this for half a year so I knew that she wouldn't ask about it too much.

"Yeah," I reply as I glanced at a clock. My eyes went wide with staged shock. "Oh crap! I have to get going! See you guys later!" I shout as I ran of the house in a hurry with my school bag in tow, jogging until I was away from that house.

Once I saw I was at a safe distance from the house, I slowed down to a sluggish walk, trudging to school. I'm sure by now that they've realized that I've actually left pretty early, but I know they wouldn't say anything about it. They never had before, so why would they start now? Unless they never really noticed before – I wouldn't put it past them. They were always caught up in their own lives, so they barely noticed anything with me, which I guess isn't really much of a bad thing. Everyone has there own fucking issues to deal with, so I shouldn't sound like it's bad that they haven't noticed anything.

Besides, I'm the oldest and I'm a boy.

They wouldn't care since I'm supposed to be the most capable. I'm supposed to be as manly as fuck and take care of myself without any sort of help whatsoever, not even some sort of moral support. I'm supposed to take everything with a pinch of salt and move on.

Well, that's what I've done and look where the fuck that got me.

Not like I care too much anymore.

I'm so used to the hurt, that even with the constant ache in my chest, I can trudge on with a smile on my face. I can take the pain behind a warm gentle smile. I'm so used to the hurt that it'd actually feel strange _without_ the ache, the pain, the searing burn, the poisonous jab, and the stabbing sensations in my chest. I was so used to it all.

I chuckled darkly to myself, hating myself more that usual, as I managed to enter the school grounds without noticing when I had gotten there. ' _I really am the worst, huh? I have it better than most. I get food, I have a roof over my head, and I could study so I can build myself put for the future. Most don't get that, so why can't I just be happy with that and be done with it?'_

: -:

"Yo!" A rather annoying voice yelled in my face. I scowled as I soon figured out whom the fuck had just crashed my train of thought into a flaming mess so damn early in the morning. I was trying to finish up tomorrow's homework early this morning so then I could study tonight for that shitty math test on Friday.

"What do you want, Keigo," I grumbled in a rather irritated tone, scowling even harder than usual to show my frustration with my concentration being so royally screwed. 

"Whoa! I just wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out later! You don't have to be so touchy, Ichigo!" the brunet huffed moodily as he pouted at me. I felt a twinge of guilt poke a needle in my 'heart', but I smoothly ignored it as I kept up my façade. 

' _I'm okay.'_ I chant to myself as I sighed at my friend's idiocy. 

"I can't. Unlike _some_ people I have homework and studying to do," I huffed as I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled out the window, ignoring Keigo's whining and insults that he threw at me. I knew they were just jokes coming from him, but I couldn't help but feel somewhat hurt by them, nevertheless I ignored the pain as I let my mind wander. During my musings I saw that there was overcast over our little town that – I swear – threatened to pour half of the Earth's water supply onto it.

I sighed as I realized I didn't bring my umbrella in my rush to escape that house… then I sighed again due to how the gloomy weather had succeeded in making me feel gloomier than usual.

"Kurosaki-kun?"

I turned my head towards the feminine voice that had called me, and I subtly sank in my chair.

"'Sup, Ioune, how have you been?" I greeted casually, hiding my slight confusion at the situation and my dislike for her, as she smiled shyly and innocently at me. Maybe she had forgotten about all of that pressure she had put onto me, maybe she forgot how many times she'd yelled 'Kurosaki-kun' as I frantically tried to save her without destroying myself with my powers and my thoughts of me being an incompetent fool and that I couldn't save her because of it… maybe she forgot that she shunned me, alienated me, disregarded me. I sure as hell didn't.

"I was wondering if you could help me with something…" she asked softly as she diverted her gaze to the ground. I quirked an eyebrow at her, despite the fact that I knew she wouldn't see it.

' _I hadn't spoken to her in half a year, let alone see her in a month or two, and now she wants a favor from me? The guy she's avoiding? Huh, I guess I really am just a fucking tool. A flute that she, like everyone else, can play with professional ease.'_

"Sure, what's up?" I question with unmarred curiosity, shrugging as I stood from my seat, forgetting the mess of homework sprawled out on my desk. _'I have to keep the image of a man that helps his friends,'_ I told myself as I waited for her to show me what she needed help with.

She glanced up at me and then to her feet before she looked back up at me with a smile as she thanked me and told me to follow her. I stared at her back for a bit, wondering what she could possibly want from me after all of this time.

All of my friends that knew about Soul Society, except for Keigo and Mizuiro, avoided me. I'm sure that they thought that I wouldn't notice it after a long while, but I saw it pretty fucking quickly.

But, I said and did nothing to stop them.

I saw that they were avoiding me to spare my feelings. They were evading me so then they wouldn't slip up and say something about Soul Society, since they were still affiliated with the Shinigami. They thought they were considering me. But that's not fucking consideration; that was convenience. For them. It was convenient for them to avoid me so they could speak and act freely instead of having me around and having to watch themselves. 

Yet, I did nothing to stop them, so I guess I have no room to complain… so… why do I feel so fucking heartbroken that they just up and left me when I was no longer useful?

"Kurosaki-kun," she called, pulling me back into reality as I looked up at her curiously. I was so lost within my thoughts that I hadn't realized that we were on the roof, which was kind of a bad idea since it looked like it was going to fucking rain cats and dogs.

"Hm? Wait, why are we on the roof?" I asked, absentmindedly voicing my thoughts while I fixed her with a suspicious and curious look. Suddenly, a rather outlandish thought occurred to me and my stomach fell through the fucking floor all the way to the basement of the school.

' _Oh,_ fuck _no. No. No, no, no, no,'_ I desperately chanted in my head.

"I'm sorry, Kurosaki-kun, I… lied… when I asked you for your help," she began as she nervously glanced between the ground and me. She fidgeted nervously while she looked bashful.

"I just wanted to say, that …" she trailed off as a blush crept onto her cheeks. She turned her head down as she blurted out, "I love you!"

After a few moments of silence passed, she anxiously glanced at my reaction, but I made myself look as though I was shocked.

Of course I was surprised that she actually confessed after all this time and after what had happened, but I was overwhelmed with a woeful mix of anger, frustration, sadness and most of all, guilt. I was upset that she confessed to me after shunning me, and I was sad and guilt-ridden that I couldn't reciprocate her feelings. I was angry and frustrated with myself for being gloomy and guilty. It's not like she actually loved me, so why should I feel bad? If she loved me, why would she disregard me?

If she loved me, wouldn't she notice that something was wrong with me? Then again, I tried my absolute best to hide it, so I guess I couldn't really complain and accuse her, huh?

' _I really am the worst… she shouldn't love a thing like me… but then again, why do I care?'_

"Kurosaki-kun?" She called, pulling me out of my musings and fixing me with a nervous, curious stare. I gave her my full attention, and before I could say anything, she timidly continued.

"I… I've loved you for a long time, and I'm sure you have the same feelings as me after Rukia left, so will… will you go out with me!" She stuttered and stumbled as she continued her confession, closing her eyes as she practically shouted out the last part.

I was too stunned to answer. I was ready to politely tell her I didn't feel the same way, but my thoughts were blown away when she speculated that I had the same feelings ' _when Rukia left'_ and asked me out. I was taken aback. That was… kind of shallow… wasn't it?

"Ichigo?" She called with slight fear and anxiety edging their way into her voice. I blinked at her before I responded.

"Um, I'm not really sure how to say this… but," I began with a sigh, though I trailed off, pursing my lips as glancing away from her. Even if she was completely oblivious to everything about me putting up a front, I couldn't really believe she thought that I shared her feelings. Besides, it's not like she really treated me well. Sure, she wasn't as insensitive as Rukia, but she'd treated me like a stranger. When she was shunning me, just like how it was with Chad and Ishida, it was like I was nothing but air. It was like I was nothing at all. So when I remembered how they – how she – had treated me, I steeled myself and said what I needed to.

"Look, Orihime, I don't love you. I do not like you, romantically, whatsoever. So, I won't go out with you. I'm," I said with a firm tone but as politely as I could, and I was about to apologize too, but she quickly cut in.

"What… do you mean?" She asked in a quiet, shaky, and extremely heartbroken tone. She looked up at me with big watery eyes as her face was consumed with dread. I just looked down at her with my usual scowling face, I pretended to be unaffected by her reaction, despite the wave of guilt that washed over me. Just because she treated me poorly, doesn't mean I could hurt like this.

Though, I'm not really sure why I feel so miserable for her. It's not like I remotely like her… I guess I just can't help but feel bad… like I'd said before, I was so used to the pain that it would be weird if it weren't there, so I guess I welcomed it now.

"What I mean," I huffed as I shoved my hands in my pockets and give her a gentle gaze, relaxing my scowl so then my eyebrows were relaxed and my mouth in a slight frown. "Is that I hold no romantic feelings for you, at all."

"So that must mean you love Rukia, huh?" She practically spat as she glared at my stunned countenance.

"Huh? What? No, I don't love her either," I replied rather bluntly, taken aback by Inoue's angry glare, but her scowl slowly melted into a somewhat shocked look.

"Then… who do you love?" She questioned slowly, looking at me with suspicion as she rose a hand to hold her own chin, as if pondering who could hold my affections, and as the question left her lips, I felt my stomach plummet further down, straight into the earth's core.

I felt all of the precious oxygen escape me as my lungs constricted. I felt my chest grow tight and heavy. I felt my 'heart' stop. But I didn't show it. On the outside I knew I looked a bit surprised, but it was a normal reaction, since this was a rather rare conversation. However, on the inside, I was freaking the fuck out. I was on the verge of a panic attack. Though, when I came to a conclusion as to what my next action should be, I felt my 'heart' shrivel. I felt my chest grow impossibly tighter. I felt a knife laced with poison stab into my chest. I felt that poison course through every vein and every artery, killing me awfully painfully and insanely slowly, but I just wore a gentle convincing smile. I lied right through my teeth with professional ease.

"I don't love anyone, Orihime. To be honest, I'm just focusing on my studies. Everything that had happened prior kind of affected my grades, so I'm trying to get advanced marks so then I could get a scholarship to my college of choice. I mean I wasn't doing bad, I scored average marks. I just want to do better," I answer smoothly with my kind smile, and with a soft even voice, as if I were talking to a wounded animal.

"Oh! Okay!" She shouted contentedly and she practically skipped her way to the exit of the roof. I could see that she was pretty heartbroken and embarrassed, and I could see that she was trying to hide it by acting overly happy, shouting and carrying herself like she normally would. I had decided to just let her go.

"Sorry for randomly pulling you up here! Won't happen again! Bye!" She yelled to me, closing the door behind her before I could even say my farewells to her.

The closing of the door echoed throughout the roof, and I was utterly alone with rain clouds threatening to dump all of their water onto my head, but I have yet to care.

I let loose a world-weary sigh, hunching my shoulders as I trudged over toward the fence outlining the perimeter of the roof to look out over Karakura town.

My eyelids became heavy with melancholy, and the corners of my mouth turned downward into a deep frown. My eyebrows pulled together, but in sorrow rather than irritation or my usual scowl.

I felt utterly wretched. I felt like a wreck, a mess. The guilt pulsed within my chest and slowly spread throughout my body. The grief ate away at me; the sorrow slowly tore and feasted upon my insides, leaving the outermost layer of skin to rot. The hopelessness and helplessness beat whatever was left of my heart with clubs adorn with rusty nails. The emptiness sucked away at whatever was left of my heart, making sure there were no leftovers.

I really am pathetic, aren't I. Rukia had said that several times, huh? Not just her though. Many of my Shinigami friends – and Ishida if I recall – have all told me that. I wonder why I didn't believe them before…

Ah, that's right.

It was because I tried to hide all of these ugly, useless, stupid emotions from them. It was because these emotions are weak, so I tried to hide my weaknesses so I could become strong.

Well, take a damn good look at me now. I'm nothing _but_ pitiful, powerless, helpless, and weak. I'm so goddamn _weak_.

It almost angers me how awful I had become, but I'm just way too damn tired. It's like my oncoming irritation was sucked out of me, leaving me feeling completely drained of any and all energy.

I heaved another heavy sigh as I closed my eyes and tilted my head upwards. I focused on breathing for a few moments, when I'd realized that I'd found it hard to get air into my lungs, and when I'd managed to take shallow breathes, I cracked my eyelids open to look at the gloomy sky as if I were expecting all of the answers to my questions and problems to fall. But only the rain fell.

It began to rain and I was already soaked to the bone in a matter of seconds, but I didn't move from my spot. I didn't care. I didn't care when the bell rang, indicating that class has started. I just didn't care.

All I fucking wanted was for my torrent of agonizing emotions to calm. Even if it would be strange for them to no longer be there, I wanted it all to stop… or did I?

I deserved it… right?

For being so stupid like they had said. For being pitiful. For being weak. For not being able to take care of myself. For never quite understanding explanations that were provided. For being a stubborn asshole. For being myself.

Besides, what's so good about me?

I'm abnormally tall. I'm scrawny. My eyes are an unattractive brown. My nose isn't perfectly straight. I'm always scowling. I'm not even remotely attractive. I have no sense for fashion. I'm a short-tempered hotheaded brat. I'm ignorant. I'm arrogant. I don't know when to stop once I get going on something. I'm not funny. I'm not all that smart; even with all of the studying I do, it's extremely hard for me to make a mark that's considered advanced. I'm rough-around-the-edges. I'm always in the way. I'm not trusting. I'm annoying. I'm usually all-talk. I'm always frowning. I'm not gentle. My limbs aren't proportional. I have scars littering my body.

I have fucking _orange_ hair! I get bullied for it so much. Thank god I still have the physical capabilities from my training from when I was trying to be the best I could be when I was a Shinigami…but still… I get bullied. I get made fun of, and I pretend that it doesn't damage me. I pretend that the constant ache in my chest doesn't exist. So when they try to beat me up, so I kick their butts into next week. However, I always get scolded for defending myself. Even the instructors hate me based on how I look. They don't even like how I do well in my studies.

I can never win.

It confuses me greatly and constantly whenever I put the tiniest bit of thought into it. I'm supposed to do well I school, and when I do, I'm insufferable? I'm supposed to defend myself, and when I do; I get in trouble and am condemned? It's all so confusing that I just choose not to think about it, and I do what I do. Nowadays, I just go with the flow as I try not to let anything bother me. Not when my instructors glare at me. Not when my peers growl and hiss at me. Not when I score a lower grade than I should. I _fucking_ know I should have gotten a ninety-three percent on my last English exam than that ninety percent I got. Though, I guess it doesn't matter, because when I brought it up to my instructor and other staff member, they just shrugged me off. I just… I don't fucking care anymore. Now, I just let things happen. I must have justified the treatment for being so awful, right?

I even, occasionally, let the bullies size me up a bit before I beat the living shit out of them to relief at least some of my angst…

Oh whom the fuck am I kidding? I _let_ them beat me up because _I_ feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm the worst, the most filthy, insignificant living organism on this wretched planet. I feel like scum. I feel like gum scrapped off of someone's shoe.

Sometimes, I let them hit me because it's something else to feel other than the aching, the throbbing, and the stinging.

That's bad, isn't it? But I guess I don't care.

Besides, when I come home with those injuries, my father either ignores them or doesn't care as he pulls his normal stunts, Karin never notices, and Yuzu scolds me to not start fights and she hands me my own personal first-aid kit to bandage myself up. It's always like this with everything. Even when I complained that my instructors were cheating me off of points – my father dismissed it, Karin shrugged it off, and Yuzu just told me to try harder as she continued to cook dinner.

So it all didn't really matter.

All of a sudden, warmth trails down my face and I jump slightly. I blink once or twice, realizing that I'm still on the roof, in the pouring rain. I haven't moved a single muscle, that is, until more warm streaks traveled down my cheek, down my neck, and into my soaked uniform. I rose a trembling – ' _when did I start shaking'_ – hand to my face and gingerly touched the tips of my fingers to the corner of my eye.

I was… crying?

' _Why…?_ '

As soon as I realized I was crying, I couldn't stop it. Hot tears poured out onto my face, mixing the cold stinging sensation of the rain with gentle warmth. I felt my slightly surprised countenance fall as I blankly stared out to some place in the sky. I was despondent. My tears were never-ending rivers as they left jaded eyes. I didn't mutter a sound. I just silently wept in the rain, letting the rain hide my tears, and when I ran out of tears to shed, I let the rain do the crying for me.

When that thought occurred to me, the thought of the rain crying for me, I felt a little bit of the weight in my chest lift and for once, I was actually… okay. Not good, not bad, just content that a little bit of the weight lifted.

I stood there, at that spot on the roof until the final bell rang. When that final bell rang, the heavy rainfall lighted to a drizzle and I felt somewhat refreshed, but then I sighed.

' _Shit, I'll have to get notes and today's homework from Mizuiro. I better collect my things and go find him.'_ I thought, sighing again as I was reminded of how utterly drenched I was. Still, I decided I didn't really care all that much considering the results of standing and crying in the rain, so I left to do what I had to do so I could go home and repeat another dreadful day.

Though as I left to find one of my only remaining friends, I couldn't help but wonder:

' _When will_ he _finally find me? When will he come for me? I want to see him, so badly.'_

*Thank you again for reading! Please tell me what you, because I'm actually quite insecure about this piece… so let me know what you think! Hope you have a wonderful day – despite the fact that this is a sad story…*


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 ***Thank you to all of those who've reviewed, favorited and followed! I really appreciate your words and support!**

 **Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach or any of its characters!  
Warning: Sad, depressive theme**

 **I hope you enjoy! ***

Lately, I've taken to absentmindedly looking out the window.

I would sit on my bed with one leg stretched out in front of me and the other leg – the one closest to the window -at a bend so I could rest my arm on it while I pressed my head to the cool glass. I would look at nothing in particular. I would just let my mind wander helplessly, hopelessly; thinking about what had I had done, letting the guilt and shame hang over me… just like what I was doing right now: I sat on my bed, listlessly starting out the window as I reflected what had happened for the millionth time.

It had been about two months since Inoue had confessed to me, and nothing got better. In fact, everything had gotten worse. About a day after her confession, Tatsuki found out and _almost_ beat me to the point where I had to go to the hospital. I came home a bloodied pulp, and no one batted an eye. In fact, when I had briefly explained to Yuzu - who was the only one who had asked - what had happened she scolded me and gave me a pretty long lecture. She'd basically said I deserved it for being an insensitive idiot, and when she was done chewing me out, she threw my first-aid kit at me and stomped off to cook dinner. Then, the next morning, both of my sisters glowered at me, and when I went to school that day, not a soul spoke a word to me, not even Keigo and Mizuiro. Apparently, there were rumors going around that I was doing bad shit, like getting involved with gangs and other bad people, just because I was so banged up.

Ever since then, my rather… negative… emotions exacerbated. They multiplied in numbers, doubled in intensity, tripled in insults, and they all assaulted me _ruthlessly_ ; in every second of every minute of every hour within every day, they never stopped. My defenses were never strong enough to hold them off, and I'd realized I was fighting a losing battle.

Even when I had found out a week later that Keigo and Mizuiro were just giving me my space, I was too far gone by that point. I'd become so piteous, wretched, despondent, and crestfallen, that I had started to _throw_ myself into fights. I would purposefully get beaten and bruised before I kicked my opponents ass', and then I would go home to a place I could hardly call my home anymore. When I arrived home, I forced myself to do schoolwork until dinner was ready, just so then I could eat at least one-fourth of my meal before I was fill. After getting lectured that I shouldn't waste food, I would finish up my work, and then go to bed. However, I would just lay awake as I thought about my shitty day. I would think about how useless, worthless, and filthy I was until I fell asleep three to four hours before I had to wake up and do this all over again.

I felt myself slowly, painfully, dolefully dying on the inside as each day passed. My lungs, 'heart', and innards shrivel like disregarded forget-me-nots. The weight in my chest, the weight on my shoulders, all became heavier.

Eventually, it had become difficult to do things I used to do with professional ease. It had become tiring to throw punches, and to dodge my father's assaults as I slowed in mind and body. It became challenging to get myself out of bed every morning; I felt like I was pulling myself tooth and nail to get out of my shitty bed. It had become hard to put on my flawless smile to hide behind. It had become tough to make any sort of expression that didn't involve a frown. It became difficult to spout the lie that 'I'm fine', because I was so very far from being fine. It had even become tough to fucking butter my own shitty piece of toast without some random wave of sadness trying to drown me.

Everything had just become so _goddamn_ draining.

It was challenging to do anything else but look out the window after I was done with whatever schoolwork I'd forced myself to do – be it projects, assignments, homework, or just plain studying. Even something as simply as studying, had become overwhelming as my prior laser-sharp focus has been dulling. It had even gotten harder to simply pay attention to the instructor in class. Besides, the window always seemed more appealing to look at. I'd rather look outside listlessly than be frustrated at my rapidly thinning concentration.

Though, the instructor had called me out on it often. At one point it had happened so frequently that I was sent out of the room for 'disrupting the classroom', but it wasn't a big deal. Nothing was much of a big deal anymore.

I could hardly fathom a reason why. It just seemed as though many things, like my hobbies and activities that I actually liked doing, were uninteresting. Maybe it was because the void in my chest inhaled whatever energy I had, leaving me with nothing.

Nevertheless, it was very strange. Not only was my energy sapped, but I was also beginning to feel extremely anxious about some things I hadn't before and I got irritated at tiny things that never use to bother me. I would get really anxious if I didn't respond to a text or email, if I had to wait in a line, if I was reading a book or a large group of text, or if I simply had homework to do. I would get really irritated if someone merely said 'hello' to me.

I would even get bouts of anger, but it was always towards something random, like an easy project topic, if someone didn't hear something that I'd said, or if someone asked how I was doing. What would happen when I got these fits was that: I would get ireful, have a mild outburst, be upset for an hour or two, and then realize that something was wrong with me for getting upset over absolutely nothing. Then, I would get irritated at myself and degrade myself, which didn't help anything… and I knew that… it's just that… I _couldn't_ help it.

I must be going crazy, right?

I'm losing it.

I'm slipping.

I'm being torn at the seams.

I'm falling, plummeting into an abyss.

I'm drowning in the agony. I'm just a stone cast out to sea, destined to fall into the blackness to be forgotten and crushed by the pressure.

I sighed heavily as I pressed my forehead harder onto the freezing window. The corners of my mouth became heavier, deepening my frown.

I had to clear my head of my thoughts and shoo them away to deal with them another day. Hopefully it doesn't get any harder to think until then. My mind has already turned into a dark maze that I can't get out of. I keep walking into walls as I blindly try to navigate my way out, and then I would suddenly fall into rabbit holes that consumed me; they ate me alive as they filled me to the brim with intense negative emotions, reminding me of my maladroitness, and it really brought me fucking close to doing something...

I was so close to snapping, and doing something that I know I would regret for the rest of my life. Yet, I can't help but think that it'll help alleviate the pain in my chest, even if it was just a temporary fix.

"Yo! Ichigo! Stop looking like the living dead!" Kon casually hollered as he jogged into my room. I didn't answer in favor of staring out the window, but it seemed as though Kon wasn't going to stop bothering me.

"Ichigo! Ne, Ichigo?" Kon suddenly switched from nagging to serious, and that had snagged my attention, so I just tilted my head towards his direction as a silent acknowledgement.

"Why are you sitting in the dark with a thumbtack in your hand?" he asked suspiciously as he walked into the room, only to stop in the middle of the room and quirk his eyebrow at me. I gazed at him for a moment before I redirected my eyes to the window; my face was expressionless as I rolled the thumbtack between my fingers. I could feel his beady eyes sear holes into my head. I released a soft sigh before I answer evenly.

"I was gonna' tack a picture to my wall, but I misplaced the picture, and then I felt like looking out the window, since something caught my eye. Ever since then, I've been just spacing out. To be honest, I kind of forgot that I still had the tack in my hand, and I didn't realize my room had gotten a bit dark, since it's still kind of light out, I mean… it just looks dark because of the dark overcast. It's still around mid-day."

He stayed silent for a moment, seeming to think about what I'd said, but soon enough, he easily accepted the lie as he simply hummed an 'okay', dismissing the matter.

Lying had become as effortless as blinking. It was easier than breathing. It was only the line, 'I'm fine,' that was difficult to spout. Other than those two words, it was astonishingly easy for me to lie to people. However, I never lied to myself. When I lied to someone, I always thought of the truth to myself, to remind myself what was the truth and what was a lie.

' _The real reason why I held a thumbtack? I'm too much of a coward to consider using a knife, and it would probably be easier to hide and lie about anyway. I had gotten used to the beatings the bullies laid on me, so I'm resorting to something else. Though, I have yet to do anything to myself, I'm close. I am so close. So close to doing it, even though I know I'll regret later. I just want it to stop. So, why am I sitting in my room without the light on? I was just waiting for it to get darker outside. It's always easier in the dark, right?'_

"Ichigo," Kon said urgently, interrupting my thoughts.

I turn my head to look at him, slightly curious as to what was troubling him, but all I saw his frightened expression. I slowly became alarmed. I felt dread sluggishly claw its way up my spine.

"There's a terrifying hollow-guy floating in front of your window, and he's glaring at you," Kon said shakily as he pointed a trembling stuffed paw towards Ichigo. He was obviously horrified, and it started to affect me.

I felt panic trickle into me as adrenaline began to flow in my blood. I jerked away from the window. I stared wide-eyed at Kon, who was my eyes in this situation. I gaped at him as I watched his face slowly contort from terrified to scared astonishment.

Suddenly, a sharp rattling pierced through the air. I snapped my head to my window, and it was open. I became mute with horror. I didn't see anyone or anything, and I was petrified. I couldn't do anything as something opened my window, and I had no idea what it was, or where it was. I was trembling in terror as I helplessly glanced everywhere around the room.

Abruptly, Kon's face squished in and he was lifted off the floor, seemingly defying gravity. He was turned around and fucking floating towards me. I was scared shitless. I became glued to my spot on the bed. Kon was freaking out – flailing while his screams were muffled. Then, the bed dipped in front of me, as if something had sat on the edge of the bed.

The movement shook me out of my terrified stupor. I reflexively lashed out at the thing, sending a punch with all of my remaining strength, but my wrist was easily caught. I froze, my eyes grew impossibly wide as I tried to see what was holding onto me, but my restless searching was unbearably fruitless.

Suddenly, Kon was slammed onto the bed on his back. His face returned to normal, but soon his arms were pressed into his sides and his torso seemed to be slightly squished too, as if the assailant was gripping his body so then he would stay where he was.

"Gah! Wh-what are you doing, you blue cotton candy-head!" Kon gasped and growled as he struggled against whatever was holding him down, and I swear I had the breath knocked out of my fucking lungs. _'B-blue… cotton candy-head… I-it couldn't be… could it?'_

Kon yelped, snapping me out of my desperate thoughts. It seemed as though whatever, or rather, _whoever_ had him in his grip didn't appreciate the name-calling and squeezed him in its irritation, but I gave absolutely _no_ fucks.

I was consumed with revelation and bewilderment, the electricity buzzed throughout my body. I was extremely hopeful, and quickly snapped my head to Kon.

"Kon. Who is it? Who's holding onto us? Does he have light blue hair, blue eyes, and what seems like greenish-bluish eye-make-up under his eyes?" I asked desperately, looking at him wildly as I shifted closer to him. He looked utterly baffled. He looked at me as if he were asking me 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' but I didn't care.

I needed to know. I needed to know who it was. I needed to know like how I needed to breath.

He yelped in pain once more as the grip on him tightened again. He hurriedly nodded his head. "Y-yeah! He has cotton candy blue hair! He says his name is Grimmjow!" Kon gasped quickly, and he began to say something else, but I was far too stunned to pay attention. My eyes grew even wider, and then I sat back on my heels, dropping my gaze to my knees, forgetting about the arm that was held up in the air.

After the initial shock diminished, my chest swelled with intense emotions that started to flood into me.

I was… relieved. I felt a pleasant buzz travel up and down my entire body, from the crown of my head down to the tips of my toes. My heart beat in my chest, like it wasn't shattered or broken in the first place. I felt as though the weight in my chest lessened, making me feel rather light. It had been so long since I've felt so light.

I… felt like some life was breathed into my shriveled lungs… and damn does that feel good. I was almost in tears. I was finally feeling something other than misery… and… it was just ethereal.

' _Ho-holy shit… h-he… he… found me… he found me… Grimmjow_ actually _found me…'_

"Ichigo!"

I was tugged out of my thoughts, and I directed my full attention to the stuffed lion. He looked at me in alarm, but I ignored him as I eagerly barraged him with questions. "Wh-what? What did he say? Is he well? How did he get here? How did he recover from his wounds? Where is he? Wh," I was interrupted by something abruptly clamping onto my mouth to shut me up. It didn't hurt, but it was pretty damn sudden, and I let out a manly yelp in surprise.

I assumed it was Grimmjow's hand that prevented me from speaking, since the thing that was holding onto my wrist let go. I took on a countenance of wonder as I stared in Grimmjow's general direction while Kon spoke.

"H-he said," the mod soul stuttered as he gulped. Grimmjow must be giving him a pretty terrifying glare if he was this rattled, but he began to speak before I could begin to picture what Grimmjow looked like.

"He said that he didn't know what else to do other than to use me as a way to talk to you. Then he said that he was okay, he got here through a garaganta, and managed to find you by wandering around while hiding his reiatsu. He said that he'd managed to heal himself after avoiding losing _too_ much blood, but it took awhile," Kon stopped momentarily. I was going to ask what was wrong, but when I noticed that he was staring consistently at something; I realized that Grimmjow was telling him something.

"Finally," he began once again, a bit more relaxed. "He said that he really needs to talk to you in private but doesn't know how to do so, since you can't see or hear him. Oh, and he's sitting where the indent in the bed is, so, like, right in front of you. When he's not threatening to tear into my stuffing, he's been staring at you like some wounded animal – Ouch!" Kon said monotonously until he yelped in pain as he was squeezed so tightly that it almost looked like his stuffing was going to pop out of him.

I blinked for a moment, and when I felt the pressure on my mouth leave, I felt a low, airy chuckle bubbled out of me. It kind of felt foreign and odd for me to laugh after so long, but I couldn't help it. I could just imagine Grimmjow's red face as he gripped onto Kon.

"Wow, now that I think about it," he wheezed as the grip on him lessened. He looked at me sadly with his beady eyes, "I haven't heard you chuckle in a long time."

My eyes widened a fraction before I lowered them pitifully with a dejected smile on my face. I… didn't know what to say, so I just ignored the true statement. I turned my sad smile to a straight line, returning to the situation at hand.

"He needs to speak with me privately?" I asked evenly as I fixed him with a composed stare. I already knew the answer, but I had asked so then I could distract him and make him forget about my chuckling. I knew I had succeeded when I saw his face turn from down to serious as he nodded. I gave him a curt nod, and then looked in Grimmjow's general direction.

"Okay, I think I have an idea. Hopefully it'll work. Follow me, Grimmjow," I said firmly as I stood on my bed, jumped down, and jogged out of the room, ignoring Kon's yells for me to 'wait a minute' as he ran after me. I figured that Grimmjow must have been following me if Kon chased me to the front door. I stopped to throw on my shoes with Kon hot on my heels.

"Where the hell are you going, you idiot!" Kon shouted at me heatedly as he waved his paws in the air wildly. I glanced at him, ignored his insult, and turned to the door.

"I'll be back," I muttered as I threw open the door, disregarding the shouts and insults from the stuffed lion. Soon enough, Karin's shrieking join Kon's spouting of insults as she ordered me to 'get my ass back into the house and away from the 'dangerous man,' but I disregarded them as I sprinted to Urahara's shop.

I didn't stop for anything in the world. I didn't stop even when a car almost hit me. I just leapt out of the way and raced towards my goal, desperate to be able to see and speak to Grimmjow.

I just hoped that Grimmjow wasn't looking for that fight. I hadn't thought about it until I was halfway to Urahara's shop, since I was so caught up in the moment of him being here. Though, now that I had a bit of time to cool my head, I felt a cold dread begin creep into me, threatening to take me by the throat and choke me. Before it could carry out its threat, I arrived at my destination.

I stumbled to a stop in front of the old run-down store, and threw open the door. Scanning the shop, I saw that Ururu, Jinta, and Tessai cleaning the shelves and floor, while Urahara was supervising them. They all looked at me in astonishment, but I quickly realized that they were looking past me, and everything clicked in my head.

I quickly stepped in their line of vision to get their attention, and I spoke hastily before they could ask what the fuck was going on and shout at me to move.

"Hold on! Wait! Don't do anything! I can explain! Just don't attack him! He's not gonna' do anything! I think," I shouted as I raised my hands in surrender, though I mumbled the last part and got gently knocked over the head for it. I tossed a small smile over my shoulder, assuming that's where Grimmjow was, and chuckled lightly before I redirected my gaze to the stunned staff of the Urahara Shop.

I glanced at everyone in the room before I fixed Urahara with a stern stare from where he sat on the floor.

Urahara seemed to recover faster than everyone else, and his usual mysterious smile was gone. He returned my stare with a serious countenance of his own, but I stayed firm. After a few seconds of staring each other down he sighed, catching me somewhat off guard as he spoke.

"Come in, Kurosaki-kun, and bring your… friend along, so we can talk," the candy shop owner said lightheartedly as he got up from his spot on the floor and walked to the back where the rooms were, not sparing another glance at me. He didn't need to check if I was coming because I was on his heels in a matter of seconds. As I followed, my thoughts were anxiously ramming themselves into each other; barely letting me address one before another occurred. ' _How do I go about this? Is Grimmjow following me? Will Urahara help me? Will he help us? Can he? Should he? How should I ask this?'_

"Come, Kurosaki-kun, sit. The Espada has already taken his seat. We're just waiting for you," Urahara chirped as he looked up at me from is place on the floor. I was yanked out of my chaotic thoughts as I blinked at him. Then, I slowly approached the low floor table Urahara was seated at.

I looked at each of the three remaining cushions, seeing which one seemed pushed in as if an invisible person was sitting on it, and I inferred that Grimmjow had taken the seat to my left. So, I took my seat in front of the candy shop owner. I looked straight at Urahara to find him glancing back and forth between me, and the space where - I assumed - Grimmjow was. I peeked to where Urahara was glancing at and saw nothing. I released a small sigh as Urahara opened his mouth to speak.

"You," he began seriously, but cut himself off, almost as if he was a bit… worried to continue, but I didn't really care. I gestured for him to continue. I can already guess what he wanted to ask, so I just hid behind my usual scowling appearance as he continued.

"You… can't see him, can you?" He asked slowly behind his fan, staring rather gloomily at me.

He knew how important my powers were to me. Even without me having to say anything – he knew.

The look on his face, and the way he asked, made me clumsily drop my mask. My scowl fell to a somewhat dejected look. I knew how I was looking at him, but I just couldn't stop myself as I pursed my lips and nodded. I saw Urahara gaze towards where Grimmjow was supposed to be for a moment before he bobbed his head, nodding at something Grimmjow had said or done before looking back at me with a somber, yet gentle expression.

"I can see that he's not dangerous. He'd just placed his Zanpakuto next to me to show that he is no threat, and he'd said that he really needed to talk to you. He said that he doesn't wish to fight, despite what he'd said before. I am not going to ask what is going on out of my respect for you, but do tell me this, what is it that _you_ want, Kurosaki-kun?" Urahara said evenly and politely.

He was oddly tranquil despite what, or who, I had brought to him, but he'd always adjusted to abnormal situations very quickly, so I barely gave it a second thought. Instead I thought about someone else.

' _H-he… he doesn't want to fight? … He just wants to talk to me? What's going on? And, why does that make me… calm? Like the numbness, the despondency, the grief, the hopelessness, the helplessness, the guilt, the anxiety, the irritation, and the anger that had all shrieked at me vociferously, become silent?'_ I thought slowly, rolling this thought around in my head. I'd realized I felt like this earlier today, when I had comprehended that Grimmjow was here, and how it was always like this when I though about him. It was as though every negative emotion faded when I thought about him. Though, they came back.

They always came back. Nevertheless, that didn't stop me from thinking about him, and now, he's here, and maybe… maybe I do love him.

I mean, why would I miss him excessively, when I don't even know him that well. Why would I think about him so damn much? Why would I feel so peaceful and pleasant just knowing his presence is with me? Why… why would I be so attracted to him, despite the short amount of time that I've known him? Why…?

I… I have to talk to him. I have to know what it is that is going on with me. I have to know more about him. I have to know what it is he wants to talk about. I have to know. I need to know.

"Urahara," I began squarely as I looked at him with seriousness. "Can you make him a gigai? Please," I asked as politely as I could but with a firm tone as I stared at him, pleading with my eyes. He watched me with an unreadable expression before he sighed heavily and stood to leave. I was a bit taken aback by his reaction, blinking up at his retreating back. Though, when he had opened the door, I had finally gathered myself. I opened my mouth to ask him where he was going, but he looked over his shoulder and answered my unasked question.

"I'll fix him a gigai and be back within the hour, just wait in here quietly until I come back. After everything that had happened prior, I am very much in your debt, Kurosaki-kun. I'll help you with anything you ask of me, though I cannot guarantee that I won't ask any questions unlike this time around, mind you," he informed me in his usual easy-going tone before stepping out and closed the door, efficiently finishing the conversation. I blinked at the door in stunned silence, surprised at what Urahara had said, before I collected myself and looked in Grimmjow's general direction. What Urahara had said was rather… unexpected… but my brain was preoccupied with someone else, so I decided I would think about it later as I tried to figure out just what to do in this situation right now.

An awkward silence filled the room, and I squirmed on my cushion. That damn buzzing sensation was flowing through me once again when I thought that Grimmjow was here. After so many agonizing months… he was here… but it seems as though, no matter how much I think that, it is still surreal.

"So," I drawled, not really sure how to occupy the silence until a brilliant idea occurred to me. "I can't stand this silence, so I'll ask you 'yes or no' questions to pass the time. Knock on the table once for 'yes' and twice for 'no'. Got it?" I asked with a small unsure smile. I heard nothing for about a minute, and I quickly started to degrade myself.

I was so self-conscious. I began to think that I was a fucking idiot for thinking that Grimmjow would do something so stupid, but these thoughts were silenced once I heard a knock on the table.

I opened my eyes, wondering when I had closed them as I looked to my left with slight shock playing on my face. Thought I quickly gathered myself as I offered him a small smile.

"Okay," I said softly, taking a breath as I thought of what to ask, and when a question hit me, I asked him.

This went on for about a half hour.

At one point, I'd ask him if his favorite color was blue, purple, red, green, black, pink – I got nudged on the shoulder for that one, but I don't know why since there's nothing wrong with pink – and orange, and he'd answered no to all of them but orange, and I felt my heart _fucking_ flutter. I was so shocked that I'd jumped when I felt that. My heart has done nothing but hurt and break, but now, it was beating and souring. I was astonished at what had just happened, until rationality decided to rain on my parade.

He obviously wasn't saying that he liked orange because of my stupid hair color and me. It must have actually been his favorite color and I was just being weird, and hopelessly hoping that he was flattering me. God, I'm the fucking worst. However, before I could dwell on just how much I wasn't worth anything, and how disgusting and pitiful I am, I felt something grab my shoulder.

I instinctively stiffened in terror as I searched around frantically for what was holding onto me, but then I realized that it was just Grimmjow's hand grasping onto my shoulder. Soon the thought that he must have been wondering if I was okay dawned on me.

"I'm fine," I lied, repeating that damned line effortlessly with my usual scowl. Then, I steered the conversation away from me and towards him. I had asked him if he'd been searching for me long, and I'd asked him if he was really okay after all this time since Kon is a fucking moron and could have caused miscommunication, but both answers were a 'yes.'

Before I could come up with a new question, Urahara entered the room with a gigai that had looked exactly like Grimmjow. The only thing that was different was the clothes. They were more suited to the living world's customs than his usual Espada wear.

"Here he is! He's done! Now, all Espada-kun has to do, is step into this guy, and he'll be just like the Shinigami who puts these things on!" Urahara shouted cheerfully as he held out the gigai to the space that apparently Grimmjow was occupying, who had obviously accepted it when I saw Urahara let the gigai go, and it wasn't knocked to the ground by gravity, making it seem like the body was floating like a rag doll.

I had to repeat to myself that Grimmjow was holding the gigai and that this wasn't a horror movie involving ghost possessions or demons. Urahara snickered, catching my attention, but I saw that he wasn't looking at me as he spoke.

"Oh, don't look at me like that! It's not gonna' _bite_! Geez! Well," he began with stifled laughter, but ended calmly as he turned his attention to me. I looked at him with a slightly stunned countenance as he continued lightheartedly and headed towards the door.

"I will now take my leave as I have done my part. You two can leave whenever you want to. I'll be at the front of the store if you need me, now if you'll excuse me," Urahara spoke lightheartedly but before he shut the door, I thanked him as sincerely as I could. In response he just smiled, gave me a small bow, and shut the door. I smiled at the door and redirected my attention to the gigai… that was blinking at me. I jumped a bit in surprise, and gasped an 'oh shit.'

Grimmjow had entered the gigai while I was distracted, and it was sort of unnerving to see a floating, limp, soulless body, suddenly move as a spirit entered it.

Then it hit me like a ton of brinks.

I had _finally_ processed that Grimmjow was here. My brain malfunctioned as I freaked the fuck out inwardly. _'O-oh my god… he's_ actually _here. I can_ fucking _see him!'_

"Strawberry?" a sweet, low… sexy… baritone called out to me, immediately pulling me out of my dazed thoughts. I snapped my gaze upwards to meet beautiful, ice blue eyes that seemed to stare into the very recesses of my damned soul. I looked at him a bit bemused until I pulled myself together and smirked.

"Hey, Grimmjow. Long time no see," I greeted casually, despite the strange heart palpitations I was currently experiencing and the short-circuiting of my brain.

I had waited so long to see him and now he's standing in front of me, alive and well, and I had no fucking clue on what to do or what to say, but my inner mayhem hushed as I saw in his expression.

He looked… pained? His face was consumed with worry, dejection, and heartbrokenness.

I stared at him dumbly, utterly speechless and astonished. By the time I could even think about asking him what was wrong, he strode towards me, and before I knew it, I felt a foreign warmth envelope me.

He… hugged me. He hugged me close. He hugged me like his life depended on it, holding onto me as if I were going to disappear if he lightened up.

Once my brain caught up with what was happening, my eyes widened in pure shock and I stiffened. After a few more hesitant moments passed, I melted into his embrace and returned the hug. I wondered what the fuck was happening and why, but I didn't really care at the moment. I was just so consumed in this moment.

It was so… weird to me. Being hugged. It felt as though I haven't been hugged in a very, very long time… and it felt so fucking great.

I felt that electricity scurry up and down my body, and for once, I felt… safe. I felt secure in his arms. My heart leapt out of my chest, soared above my head and hopped back where it was supposed to be with renewed vigor. A pleasantly warm and soft tingling spread throughout my chest. My stomach felt fuzzy whilst it felt like there were wild butterflies trying to escape. I felt as though his Zanpakuto cut off a good chunk of the weight I carried; not all of the weight was gone, but I felt significantly lighter. If I felt light before, then I was fucking weightless right now.

Is this what it feels like to get hugged by someone after so long? Or, is this what it feels like to get hugged by someone after so long, and that someone who'd hugged me after all of this time, was Grimmjow? I inferred that it was the latter question as I rested my head on his shoulder.

I was so close to crying right now. It felt so… so good. I'd forgotten what it was like to actually get hugged after all this time. I… I don't even fucking remember the last time I'd hugged someone. Did it always feel warm, secure, safe, and fuzzy? I think it did, but during those seven months, I'd never let anyone touch me, so I wouldn't know.

It was more subconscious than conscious, but I had realized at some point that I didn't let anyone touch me; I'd always recoil away from anyone's touch. Mizuiro and Keigo got the hint right away, and whenever a classmate or instructor try to touch me on the shoulder or reach out to me in any way, I'd withdraw from them before they even touched me – it was the same with my family. Yuzu and Karin rarely hug me prior, but then I began to back away whenever they got too close, and dad… I always smacked him before he could do anything anyways, so nothing much changed with him. Though, getting attacked or beaten doesn't really count, since I'm referring to harmless touches. All in all, I basically had no actual physical contact with anyone for at least seven months, maybe even longer, and it feels astounding. Especially since it was Grimmjow that was hugging me.

I almost pulled him back into the hug when he started to pull away, but I reluctantly let go as he stepped back and fixed me with a somber stare. With his mouth pursed in a straight line and his eyes narrowed in determination, he spoke evenly and firmly. "Strawberry, we need to talk. Let's get out of here and go on a stroll."

"S-sure," I stutter softly as I turned away from him to quickly hide the faint blush that I knew was on my embarrassed face, and I lead the way out of the room. I can't believe I'd reacted like that. I was so caught up in that hug, and I felt so much… What is wrong with me? I don't understand; I kind of feel light-headed… am I sick?

"Hey, Ichigo."

I blinked rapidly as I was tugged back into reality. I glanced around and found myself walking down the street that lead to a park. Thank goodness that we were headed to the park that hardly anyone went to anymore. There was a hollow attack there, so everyone thinks that it's haunted. Small sigh in relief left my lips as I tilted my head to look at the man walking next to me.

"Hm?" I hummed lowly, quirking an eyebrow at him as taking in his appearance, waiting for him to speak.

He looked like he wanted to say something, but was having a hard time saying it as he scowled at the ground he treaded upon. He had his usual eye-make-up underneath eyes that were a pale blue, like the glaciers found in the artic circle. His hair was in its usual spiked fashion, and it was as blue and refreshing as the bright morning sky. His clothes… Urahara must have thought he would look good in black and grey… and he was damn right.

Grimmjow was dressed in a form-fitting plain black t-shirt, and above that, he wore a simple, thin grey vest that was left open. Skin-tight, ripped black skinny jeans encased his legs and clunky, thick black boots climbed and hugged him about half way up his shins. He totally fit the sexy punk persona. It was a nice change from his usual white Hueco Mundo outfit… a really nice change. Urahara did a great job on the gigai; he even got Grimmjow's sharp, attractive features down perfectly. It was as if he were any normal, attractive, human man walking down the street.

"Well," the Espada muttered, glancing back and forth between the ground and me. He shoved his hands deep into his vest pockets. He seemed to be somewhat awkward and hesitant, and this new side of the aggressive hollow pleasantly surprised me. Then, a thought occurred to me. ' _He's been pretty tame, unlike how he was when I first met him… I wonder if something happened…'_ I nibbled on my bottom lip, somewhat worried about the blue-haired hollow.

I know that he was a capable guy, who can protect himself - no shit he was an almighty Espada - but that doesn't mean that something had affected him psychologically.

"Hey," I called, abruptly stopping in my tracks. He walked a little bit ahead of me before he turned to face me with an attentive countenance, wondering what I was up to. I looked into his curious eyes and tilted my head to the side and pointed my thumb to a small hill, watching his eyes flicker to where I was pointing as I spoke in a casual tone: "Let's sit on that hill and talk, okay? No one really comes here anymore, so we can speak freely here."

Grimmjow glanced to the side once again before he scowled at the space between us and nodded somewhat dejectedly. This set off some alarm bells in my head, but I nonchalantly lead him to the top of the hill so we can overlook a field at to bottom.

I sat down with my legs stretched out in front of me while I leaned back on my hands. I stared up at Grimmjow and the corners of my mouth twitch downward. He looked rather melancholy. His eyebrows were slightly drawn together in thought, making his hard blue eyes seem contemplative whilst his mouth pulled a bit downwards in a small frown. I took in his expression for a moment before I felt compelled to pull him out of his gloomy reverie.

"Grimmjow?" I called to him in a small voice so then I wouldn't startle him.

He shook his head slightly as if he were physically clearing his thoughts before looking down at me. Patting the ground next to me, my signature smile possessed my lips. He plopped down next to me with a grunt. As soon as he sat down, he rested his elbows on his drawn knees and he scowled at me. His glowering caught me off guard and it made me clumsily drop my mask.

"Don't fuckin' look at me with that goddamn smile of yours, Strawberry… don't do it… Just stop," Grimmjow growled at first but then trailed off with soft murmur as he gloomily looked away. He'd sounded frustrated and sapped of energy all at the same time, and I was so utterly confused, anxious and panicked.

Many thoughts raced through my head. I was wondering if he was okay. I was wondering if something happened. I was wondering what was wrong. I was wondering if he knew… if he knew what was wrong with me… maybe that was just me being paranoid. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder… and it worried me profoundly.

Regarding him quizzically, he glanced back at me when he felt my questioning gaze; his eyes widened a fraction before he released a laugh that contained no humor, throwing his head back before tilting his head to look gently at me with his light blue eyes.

"Ichigo," he began slowly, as if he were still trying to find the words that he wanted to say. I suppressed a shiver that threatened to scurry up my back as I waited for him to continue. I couldn't help but think that he was adorable as he struggled. Damn, this guy did things to me and it confused me, but before I could even begin to sort out what I was feeling, he continued.

"I'm gonna' to be absolutely honest with you, so don't you dare give me any shit!" he grumbled, growing in volume until he was practically shouting at me. I remained unaffected by his volume as I nodded, silently promising to not trouble him whilst motioning him to continue. I found it a bit weird that even though he raised his voice, I didn't feel guilty or saddened. Usually my brain would have twisted that action around and make me think that he had shouted at me because I had done something wrong, and not because of his embarrassment. Though, nothing usual happened when Grimmjow was involved, and I was more than one hundred percent okay with that.

"I've been following you for the past three months."

Okay… maybe I'm not 'more than one hundred percent okay with that'.

"You've been _what_?" I asked incredulously as my jaw dropped and my eyes nearly popped out of my fucking orange head. My brain drew a blank as I tried to compute what he'd said, but he quickly began to explain himself, his eyes frantically darting around to look at anything but me.

"Okay, look; I didn't know how to contact you. I didn't see your walking stuffed lion after the first month, and I didn't know he could see spirits until about a month after that, and then I didn't know what to say, how to say it, or when to actually make contact! Plus, I was still a bit injured for the first month while I was here, and I had to fly extremely under the radar because of your friends. I also couldn't find you for a little while, but-"

I raised my hand to make him stop rambling, and he screwed his mouth shut. Then, he scowled down the hill, as if regretting he'd said anything.

It was all a bit much to take in, and once my brain processed what he'd said, I lowered my hand. This caught his attention, and he gave me a sidelong glance before he just placidly looked down the hill. I took that as a sign that he was listening, so I just asked him what I was dying to know in a quiet low tone. It felt as though that if I didn't speak softly and tread along delicately, I'd trample on his feelings and my opportunity to get closer to him.

"How long were you looking for me?" This question caused him to snap his head to look up at me with mild surprise, but that didn't stop me from continuing. "How long were you hurt? How did you survive? Who healed you? How long have you been in the living world? What happened to you? Is something wrong? You haven't been your usual aggressive self. Are you okay?"

A stunned silence filled the air between us as I patiently waited for him to answer… though I may have to wait a while longer, because he was thoroughly astonished. He blinked owlishly at me as his mouth fell open. He probably didn't expect the onslaught of questions.

"Grimmjow?" I called with a small voice, still scared that I'd shatter… something, be it the quiet atmosphere, or the communication… between us, as I tugged him out of his stupor. He closed his mouth, blinked at me once or twice before slipping into a placid expression as he held my curious gaze.

"Ah, sorry, I just didn't… expect all the questions. No one's usually concerned about me, so it was just unexpected… Well, I was looking for you for about four months. I popped into an area close by your town, but I didn't know that at the time. I searched a whole city. I managed to find this town – and you – by drifting around. I just happened to see you walking to school. Anyways, I'm not really sure how I got out of there alive. I kind of passed out for a bit, woke up, managed not to bleed out by pressing whatever remained of my clothing into the really bad wounds, and I gradually healed myself. Honestly, I think I survived with just sheer luck," he huffed as he laid back. My gaze followed him as I quietly waited for him to speak. He stared at the gray sky for a bit before looking at me to continue where he left off.

"I've been in the living world for about seven months now. I spent one month recovering from the worst of my injuries, and when I was well enough to travel, I left. Finally, I'm okay. Nothing's wrong with me. I've just simply changed."

"You've changed?"

"Yeah. I changed, and I have you to thank for that, Ichigo," he hummed as he rose to his elbows, staring into my eyes with an intensity that made me fidget. I felt my heart jump up my throat and try to kill me via suffocation. My eyes widened slightly as electricity scurried through my body, and the butterflies that have inhabited my stomach tried to make their grand escape by attempting to bust out. Though, a blaring question cut through the sensations this man was making me feel.

"How did _I_ help you change?" I muttered as I tried not to swallow my own tongue. I looked down at the space between us, thinking how I didn't do anything, until Grimmjow spoke up.

"Well, it's kind of a long story… I don't mind telling you... I mean, I've _decided_ to tell you… it's just… I'll say only if you want me to," he mumbled as he glanced away from me. I was a bit taken aback. He was being bashful and it was so… endearing. He was practically pouting and it was fucking adorable. I chuckled when I saw him grow increasingly irritated at my silence.

"Grimmjow, I don't care if it's a long story. I could care less. Just tell me if you want to. I've got nothing better to do, anyway," I placidly replied with a small smile on my face. He looked at me in mild wonder as if he didn't really expect me to listen to his story before he released a breathy chuckle.

My heart stuttered to a stop. His laugh was low as it rumbled through his chest. I instantly fell for his laugh. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. I felt my face heat up a bit, but before my brain would come up with a coherent thought, Grimmjow began to speak in a serious tone, instantly sobering me up.

"Well, the story – obviously - starts when I hadn't met you yet," he sighed as he sat up. He situated his elbow on his bent knee and buried a hand into his messy blue hair, glaring at the space between us.

"You might already know this, but we Espada have an aspect of death, and I am destruction, which I kind of dubbed as wrath, since that's all I felt. I was consumed with utter rage. My heart was savage. I couldn't think about anything but killing. I couldn't think about anything but my blood lust. I couldn't think about anything but being the strongest, coming out on top… being the king. I couldn't help but get irritated at everything, even at stupid shit. I was completely controlled by my wrath," Grimmjow recalled melancholily. He looked as though he'd hated what he was, and I couldn't help but sympathize – I knew what that was like. However, I felt down because he looked down himself. Then he continued, lifting his gaze to look at me with sincerity.

"Then, you came along. At first, you only filled me with even more anger. You made me thirstier for blood. I needed to quench that thirst by spilling _your_ blood. I wondered why I had such a strong reaction to our first fight, but I just thought it was because you scarred me, and that I'd found a new, interesting 'toy' to break, so I left it at that. But then, our second fight happened and it was a bit different… When you asked me about my arm with that worried look on your face, I was puzzled, but I was kind of… happy… that you were concerned. No one else would have spared me a second thought. You, who were my enemy –and my prey of all people –, were concerned for my wellbeing. Then, I got excited that you had a new power to show me. Though… that wasn't what had really changed me… those two fights weren't like the last. They were nothing like the last… because something… very unexpected happened. When we crossed blades… your blade was filled with so… so much wretched sorrow that it even got my violent heart to calm and become filled with melancholy," Grimmjow spoke evenly, but he'd finished in a sad tone as he looked down.

The air in my lungs was forced out as my heart became heavy, pushing the precious oxygen out of my vile lungs. Gravity intensified. Nauseating panic rose up in my stomach as it plummeted through the ground.

' _He knew… of course he fucking knew. He knows about my true feelings, what I hide behind my scowl. Even if he hadn't felt it in our fight, he'd have_ seen _it if he were following me around for three fucking months… he'd have seen Inoue's confession and everything else after that… shit… I'm so fucking screwed. I never wanted him to know…'_

"Ever since our blades crossed," he continued with a calm expression. I bet he noticed my gloomy countenance, but if he did, he didn't let on that he knew as he dropped the hand tangled in his hair onto his knee.

I almost feared what he would say next. I thought he would say that I was pathetic, and that thought… hurt. Just the thought of Grimmjow thinking lesser of me… was gut wrenching and heart shattering, but then he'd said something… that dissipated the weight that was pulling me down and calmed my inner turmoil.

"My whole world changed for the better."

"Eh?" I exhaled, my eyes widened as I took in his honest icy eyes as he lifted his gaze to look at me. I was stunned. My mind was drawing a blank. It was as if all of the negativity evaporated.

"You changed my world, Ichigo. Ever since our blades crossed in Hueco Mundo, my rage has been quelled enough so then I can _actually think_ without my wrath taking over my every action. I could actually think about things that didn't include killing or getting stronger or satisfying my bloodlust; all because I was able to feel something other than ire. It was like I was snapped out of a nightmare. I was able to think about what my favorite color was, what was my favorite animal was, what little things I liked, what little things I didn't like, why was the sky was fucking black and the sun never showed in Hueco Mundo, what life meant, what death meant. I was able to think about why things function the way they do, other peoples' situations and perspectives, and I wondered why were you so fucking sad. I'd really become a poetic bastard. I've become a domesticated cat – but I don't give a shit. The wrath that I was cursed with overwhelmed me, and made me very chaotic, but now I know what it's like to have a composed state of mind, and it's thanks to you for making me feel something other than fury. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm still a hotheaded guy, it's just now, I'm able to be calm and peaceful, and it's because of you," he finished with a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.

To be frank, I was astonished and stultified. To think, I'd gotten my wish to get to know him, but I hadn't expected this… not in the slightest. This was a lot more personal than I thought it would be, and I was not prepared for that whatsoever. I was actually having a bit of trouble keeping up. When I had finally sorted out all of the information in my head, a heavy silence settled over us, causing me to swallow. After a few hesitant moments, I opened my mouth to ask him something, but he began to speak again as he looked at me with a saddened countenance.

"Look, Ichigo, I… didn't mean to make things weird or awkward, but I need you to know that I can see what's happening to you. I can see how people treat you, and how you respond to that treatment, and… frankly it's not good. I can see how you're suffering, and it's getting worse… I just… damn it! Just let me help you!" He began with a mumble, but as he continued he got more passionate as he began to gesticulate, and his voice sounding somewhat strained. He threw his eyes up to look at me with a mix of irritation, sadness, and desperation.

I just blinked owlishly at him, my mouth hung open in a small 'o.' Astonished by everything he'd just laid out in front of me, I had no idea what to do or how to respond.

When Grimmjow saw that I wasn't going to say anything anytime soon, he just continued in a low tone as he hung his head between his knees.

"I can kind of guess how it is. I know what it's like to be consumed, devoured, and ripped apart by a single, negative, wretched emotion. It may not be the same emotion, and hell, you may even feel more than one, but I can kind of understand. I'm not saying I do, nor am I saying that one of us suffered more than the other, I'm just saying that I get it. It may be different, but I have some sort of understanding… so… don't fight this alone… you don't have to fight this alone anymore, Strawberry," he finished softly; his voice was shaky with raw emotion as he lifted his head high enough to look at me with kindness and grief.

However, as soon as he looked at me, his kind expression fell and he raised his hand to swipe a thumb over my cheek.

That's when I noticed that there was some wet moisture on my face. I raised a hand to touch my cheek, and I'd realized that I was crying. This was the first time in two months that I've cried, and because of Grimmjow's kind words, it all just pored out of me.

I'm not worthy to have been given such kind words, but these words… these were the words I've _longed_ to hear, despite the fact that I didn't want anyone to know my problem.

Suddenly, Grimmjow pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms me, making me cry even harder. I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breath, but he just cradled me in his arms and stroked my hair. He let me weep.

After a while, I had finally run out of tears to cry, but he didn't let me go, nor did I move from his lap. We just sat in silence until it was getting dark. When the sky started to get darker than it already was due to the overcast, I moved off of him and stood.

"We," I began, but my voice cracked from the crying. I cleared my throat as he got up. I kind of expected him to stare at me with judgment, but he looked at me evenly, waiting for me to continue. "We need to figure out where to put you."

"Where to put me? Can't I just stay at your house? Or do you think that that candy shop owner would let me crash at his place?" He asked coolly as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He practically pouted at the bottom of the darkening hill. I stare at him for a moment, thinking that he really is cute before I answered.

"Well… I guess you could live in my closet and I could sneak you meals… but you can't enroll to my school like the Shinigami can because of Inoue, Ishida, and Chad… plus I think crashing at Urahara's place is a bad idea. From what I remember, they gave Renji some serious shit for him staying with them for a short while," I mumble as I shift my weight from one foot too the other, glancing at him uncertainly.

He sighed as he ruffled his hair, then he crossed his arms in front of his chest and stepped to the side. I looked at him quizzically for about a second before I understood. He was letting me pass so we could go to my house. I offered him a small smirk as I walked past him. He just scowled at some random tree before he began to follow me.

During the whole trip home, we walked in a comfortable silence, and when we reached my house I told him to wait in front of my window until I open it for him to jump in.  
Though, as soon as I opened the door, I was barraged with questions.

"Where the fuck were you?! Where's that hollow guy?! Did he destroy shit?! Did he leave?! Did he get killed?! How-" Kon was questioning wildly. I ignored him as I stepped on his head, and jogged towards the stairs, until Karin stopped me.

"What happened to that cotton candy head?" She asked in a serious, threatening tone as she crossed her arms over her chest and glowered at me.

 _'Shit… she's not even concerned about me, same with Kon… Oh well, I already knew it would end up like this… I'm so fucking stupid,'_ the glumly thought raced through my mind before it left as I equipped my typical scowl.

"I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Don't give me that shit, you shitty brother! Don't lie to me! Aren't you ashamed of lying to your family?!" She yelled venomously as she threw her arms to her sides and clutched her fists, snarling at me.

A searing hot knife filled with sorrow and guilt stab into my heart and my eyes felt heavy with grief, but I disregarded these feelings. I looked at her evenly as I answered her in composed manner.

"Why do you think I'm lying to you? I didn't see any 'cotton candy head,' and if this 'cotton candy head' was a spirit, I wouldn't be able to see him. I can't see spirits anymore. Besides, if he were following me, and if he were dangerous, why would I still be here? I bet he's harmless. So can you please move out of the way so I can go to my room?"

She glared at me for a few moments, contemplating whether she should let me go up the fucking stairs or not, then she just huffed and went to go watch football. When she left, however, I heard her grumbling that I was a 'shitty brother' and how 'the cotton candy head should have gotten such a shitty brother.'

Her words wrapped themselves around my chest like a boa constrictor. They wound themselves until my torso was extremely tight, forcing the air out of my lungs, and preventing me from breathing. They burrowed into my chest, and bit into my heart. They injected their venom, leaving swollen holes, and my heart seized in pain.

I scurried up the stairs, ran into my room, slammed the door, and locked it. Once I was locked in, I turned around and pressed my back to the door. I slowly slid down until my ass touched the floor. I pressed my hands into my face, and I tried my best to will the pain away, but my best was never good enough. Her words stabbed into me, slowly killing me. Why does she talk to me like that? When had it started? I couldn't remember. All I knew was that her words tore me apart. I clenched my teeth as I took the pain, and I tried desperately to think of a distraction to take this pain away.

Suddenly, I remembered why I needed to get into my room, and I hurried to my window. After almost tripping over myself, I threw the window open and poked my head out. As soon as I looked out, we made eye contact, and I instantly felt the negativity melt away. I felt the venom fade from my heart, and the snakes slither away. It was like Grimmjow was my antidote, but I didn't let myself get too carried away.

"Come on up," I say as I moved out of the way, knowing that he'd hear me without having to shout because of his sensitive hearing.

He jumped up and perched on my window still before he plopped onto my bed. I stared at him as he scanned my room, and when his eyes landed on me, I instinctively glanced away.

"So," he began slowly, as if he didn't really know where to start. I waited for him to continue, and after a few moments of silence, he perked up as an idea struck him. "What do you do in school?"

"What?" I looked at him in astonishment. I had not expected such a question from an Espada… it just seemed as though school would be something that he wouldn't be interested in.

"What?" he parroted as he frowned at my reaction to his question.

I stared at him for a few more seconds before I recovered from my shock as answered him honestly. "Ah, sorry. I just didn't expect you to ask something like that."

"Eh? Why not? It's not like I know what it's like to go to school. All I know is how to kill shit and talk. Other than that, I don't know much of anything else," he scowled at a random object as he spoke, and my gaze turned from shocked to understanding. That makes a shit ton of sense why he'd asked. I sincerely smiled at him, and when he glanced over at me, his eyes widened a fraction as he slowly turned his head towards me.

"That makes a lot of sense when I think about it. I mean, Aizen only made you an Espada so then you can kill extremely strong opponents," I say in a matter-of-fact tone as I got up from the bed and sat at my desk. I swiveled the chair to face Grimmjow, and he looked at me in suspicion, wondering what I was doing.

"Come here, I'll _show_ you what I do instead of just telling you," I say as I tilted my head towards my insanely messy desk. He stared at me for a minute or two before he simply shrugged and padded over. He stood behind me as I flicked on my desk lamp, and we stared at the boatloads of paper that was littering the surface of the desk.

"What _is_ all of this shit?" he asked as he scrunched up his nose in disgust. I released an airy chuckled before I answered.

"This pile is today's homework. That pile is tomorrow's homework. That is a research paper. That pile is studying material for Math. This pile is studying material for Science. This is my English pile. That one is actually my World History _and_ Japanese history pile. The rest is either not important, important shit that is ignored anyways, or scratch paper," I listed, pointing to each pile as I named them. When I was done, I looked over my shoulder to see Grimmjow stare at me in bewilderment. I laughed at him, but he was unaffected as he raised a trembling finger to point at my desk.

"Holy shit," he breathed, "you do _all_ of that stuff? How do you do in them? How good are you at these things?"

"Yeah," I sighed as I sat back in my chair and gazed up at him. "I do all of this shit. I'm okay in my history classes; I get advanced scores with effort. My math class is the one I kind of have trouble with – I still get advance scores in it – I just need to study harder in this than everything else. I'm very good in English and Science though. I barely have to try in those two subjects, which is kind of weird, but oh well."

"Weird?! That's so fucking cool! You must be really smart to score well in all of those classes! They look pretty hard." Grimmjow exclaimed, his eyes were filled with wonder. I felt my face flare up, and my heart beat a mile a second. Though, I sobered up when I saw his face fall in disappointment.

"I could never do that kind of stuff," he mumbled as he gazed at my piles of work. I almost frowned, until he put on a playful smirk and lightly punched me in the shoulder. "But good for you! Wow, to think you can do that! It's amazing!"

I thanked him distractedly as an idea came to mind. "Ne, Grimmjow."

"Hm?"

"Would you like me to teach you some subjects?"

"What?" His eyes grew wide and his mouth hung slightly opened. I held his astonished gaze with my own placid expression before he began to stutter as he fidgeted and rubbed the back of his neck.

"W-well, I don't want to… to bother you and your school stuff. It seems pretty important and hard, s-so you should focus on that instead of-"

"Grimmjow," I said softly, gently cutting him off, "if you want me to teach you, I will. I study and do homework at school too, so usually I come home, finish whatever I need to do and have several hours to myself. I have the time. I'm not in a club nor to I do extracurricular activities. Besides, teaching you can help me remember the basics of the things I do when we get to that level. So, I'll ask again, do you want me to teach you?"

"S-sure," he mumbled as he pouted at the wall, avoiding my gaze.

"Okay, let's start now," I say enthusiastically as I began to clear all of the shit from my desk.

"Eh?!"

"I finished everything I had to do today, why do you think I was just staring out the window when you came in?"

"I thought you were slacking off."

"Oh screw you!"

We both were consumed with laughter for a few minutes before we calmed down. With smiles still on our faces, I got up from my chair, made him sit down on it, and we went to work.

It seemed as though Grimmjow knew how to read high-level material, and was good in reading comprehension. He was good at writing; he just has a problem with spelling and grammar. He knew basic arithmetic, and multiplication, nothing more. He knew practically nothing about science – which makes sense considering that he himself was not scientific whatsoever. He does, however, know some about anatomy, which also makes sense since he's a killing machine. He was a fucking protégé at drawing shit. He has an abundance of artistic talent. Though, when it comes to history, he has a basic level of knowledge. We managed to go through what he did and did not know rather quickly since he generally knew what he did and did not know. The only things I really had to test was his artistic abilities – mostly because I was curious – his reading comprehension skills, and his knowledge in history.

"We have some work ahead of us, but it's not too much. We just have to focus on math and science, include several history lessons, and that'll be it. I don't know why you said you didn't know too much, you seem to know things. You're pretty modest, huh?" I say breathily as we finished going over what Grimmjow knew. Instead of the irritation I was expecting, Grimmjow answered tiredly, ignoring my comments about his modesty.

"Yeah, we do have some work, but I don't care. Thanks, Ichigo, for helping me out," he said with the cutest smile that I had ever seen in my rather short life. My heart jumped out of my throat, soared above my head in circles, shoved itself back down my throat, and beat so hard against my rib cage that I swore I heard my bones fucking creak against the strain.

"Um, Ichigo?"

"Hm? Oh, sorry. Just a bit tired is all. Anyways, it's not a problem, Grimmjow. Actually, it's my pleasure," I smile boyishly at him as I plopped down on my bed.

"Really?" He asked inquisitively as he quirked a fine blue eyebrow.

"Yeah. Besides, it's always a hell of a lot better when you have a student that's willing to learn."

"Oh, how do you know that?"

"I try to teach one of my friends, Keigo, some things, but he was either never willing, or he was too lazy, so I just leave him be."

"Ugh, that doesn't sound pleasant at all!"

"Tell me about it."

We chuckle for a moment before a peaceful silence rested over us. Then, I saw how he was beginning to nod off to sleep in the chair, and I chuckled before I stood and tapped his shoulder to get his waning attention.

"Let's get some sleep, it's _very_ late anyway," I say quietly so then I wouldn't startle him. He nodded and lumbered off to my closet, slid the door open, climbed into the make-shift bed that was left there, and closed if after mumbling a 'good night' to me.

I smile at the door, before I flopped onto the bed. I decided to sleep with my clothes on since I was too tired to change into pajamas, and I was not about to change my clothes with the risk of the man I love walking in on me…

' _Wait… what? 'The man I love?' Grimmjow? Love? What? I love Grimmjow?'_ Once I thought it, I knew.

I was in love with Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.

Though, to be absolutely honest, I wasn't surprised in the least. It was just that the thought never occurred to me. Sure, I've poked at the idea, but I never really _considered_ it as an actuality… until now.

However, I decided to keep my feelings to myself. I can't risk losing him. I… just can't. He'd been so kind to me. When everyone else cast me aside, he came to me, and is staying by me, even when I don't have my powers anymore.

I'll play it as safe as I can, so then I don't lose him. I don't even want to ponder the thought of losing him… so instead, I just pulled the covers over me, nestled my head into my pillow and closed my eyes.

' _Good night, Grimmjow… I love you.'_

It had been about two months since he's lived in my closet, and I was just about to lose my fucking marbles.

"Grimmjow! What the _fuck_ did I tell you about moving the fucking number there!"

"Gah! This is too fucking hard!" He shouted in frustration as he flipped over his notebook.

"God damnit, Grimmjow! You can't flip your fucking notebook every time you don't get something!" I shouted as I gestured at him to pick up his damn book. He glared at me for a moment before he padded over to his notebook and picked it up with a huff. I sighed.  
Grimmjow was fucking _hopeless_ at math. We've been working on fractions for two weeks and he still understands nothing!

I pinch the bridge of my nose to calm myself down, and once I was calm, I redirected my gaze to the blue-haired man. He scratched his head in thought as he tried to solve his problem, and I sighed.

"Look, Grimmjow, let-"

"No! I got this! I know I can do it!" He shouted without lifting his gaze from his notebook. He was determined and almost desperate as he continued to chew the end of his pen.

"I know you got this," I say factually as I strode over to him. His eyes widened slightly as he looked up at me. "Though, you might need to take a break. Sometimes, when you work your brain too hard, it just gets harder to think, and it just leads to tons of frustration."

He pouted at me for a moment before he huffed an 'okay'.

 _'How can a man be so fucking adorable? Ugh, he's gonna give me a heart attack… not only is he cute, he's really charming, and his hotheaded tendencies are just fucking great. I still love the way he looks at me with his light blue eyes, even when he glares. I love the pure power he radiates. Though, he's so much more that someone who has been kind to me. He's much more than some hot-blooded guy, or some powerful being. He's so much more than I had ever thought, and I'm fucking fascinated by him.'_

"Ne, Ichigo?"

"Hm?" I hummed, as I was lulled out of my musings. I looked to him and he had a calm appearance as he slouched in the desk chair.

"How've things been at school? How was your day?" he asked as he stared into my eyes with intense curiosity. I sighed as I sat heavily onto my bed. His face twisted in concern as I scowled; a clear indication that things weren't okay, as he had learned throughout his time being around me.

"My English instructor, marked me down for some things I got right on the exam, so instead of a ninety-eight out of one hundred, I got a ninety- three. Then, some bullies tried to rough me up a bit," I sighed. Grimmjow open his mouth to say something, but I already knew what it was, so I spoke before he could.

"Don't worry; I beat the shit out of them. Ever since you made me promise to stop getting into fights just to get myself hurt about a month and a half ago, I stopped… mostly…"

"Mostly?" he asked without any judgment in his voice. I knew he wouldn't judge me, but I just can't help but fear that he will.

I sighed once again before continuing. "Yeah… mostly… H… hurting yourself … or doing reckless shit to get yourself hurt… it's all just like a bad habit. Once you pick it up, it's hard to get out of. It's not easy to pick up either, mind you. It's so hard to pick it up; it's hard to drop. I know it's just a temporary fix. I know it's just transferring one pain to another, but still. So… when I do get pulled into these fights, nowadays, I let myself get hit once or twice before beat the shit out of them… I'm sorry," my voice was hesitant, and small. I looked down at my feet in shame, until I felt Grimmjow's big, warm hands cup my face and gently make me look up into his proud, open, kind blue eyes.

I was flabbergasted as I took in his unexpected countenance. His eyebrows were pulled together in slight irritation, but his eyes were filled and the lop-sided smile on his face showed that he was proud.

"It's a step, Strawberry. You take these things in steps. I'm proud of you, Ichigo. Acceptance is one step, getting it to decrease is the other, now you need to take the final step and stop all together."

"But… how?" I ask quietly. To be honest, I still don't really think I'm worth it…

"Ichigo," Grimmjow called softly as he sat on the bed next to me. I let him pull me into his lap and wrap his strong arms around me. He began to draw relaxing circles onto my back with the palm of his hand before he spoke with a sincere and confident tone.

"I believe in you. You see; you're going to be very successful in whatever you do. You're extremely smart, and whenever I see you talk about biology, I see your eyes light up and a cheerful smile on your face: same with English. You even try your absolute best at math, your most difficult subject. You'll matter in life, because it's you. You as a person – your intelligence, your determination, your kindness, your quick-wittiness, and your strength, are all going to play a part in your success and all prove that you'll matter in life. You are a very unique and interesting individual. You aren't worthless, because _you_ _can't_ be worthless. No one like you can possibly be worthless. Plus, you're not stuck in the past, you're in the present, with me, looking to your future as you pull yourself through all of the grueling work of a high-schooler doing advanced shit. You see; you don't need to hurt yourself, or do reckless shit to get yourself hurt, because you're so great. You can stop. You could put on an accessory, or recite an incantation to remind yourself to stop and why you should stop. I know you can. You just have to see how awesome you are for yourself… You just need to see what I see."

I sniffle as I try to hold in my embarrassed, overly emotional tears that threatened to fall. I take in a shaky breath, as I once again, feel my typhoon of depressive emotions calm. "How can you do this shit every time?" I asked as I buried my forehead into the crook of his neck. I felt so at peace and secure in his arms. His words filled me with bright, warm, and fluffy emotions. It's like he always cut down whatever weight weighed me down during the day. He's like the painkiller for my wounded heart. He's like the warm summer breeze that shoos away my wretched thoughts and casts away the rain clouds over my head so I can see the sun.

He'd been asking me how my day was, every single day since I put him in my closet. Not once did I lie to him, and not once did he judge me. He never judged what I said, instead, he just tried his best to understand, and if he didn't, he would ask. Not once did he look down on me, degrade me, mock me, patronized me, insult me, disrespect me, or make fun of me to hurt my feelings. He was always very understanding, open, gentle, kind, caring, and willing to listen, even when we were in a middle of one of his lessons.

He was everything I could have ever asked for. He was more than whatever I could have dreamt, and before I could hold it back any longer, I spilt the three small words I tried so hard to hold back. After all of the banter, the petty fights, our conversations, either philosophical or full of nonsense, after all of our talks, lessons, the meals eaten together, rushed mornings, hugs, small touches, and hushed 'good nights', I finally bubbled over and whispered those three small meaningful hefty words as if they were as light as a feather: "I love you."

Though, as soon as I had uttered those words, I froze. _'What the fuck did I just do…?'_

I began to panic. I became light headed as my breath escaped me, and my heart thudded heavily in my chest. My throat and mouth went dry.

 _'Holy shit! I just confessed to him! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! He'll never accept my feelings! I'm a man! I'm also… well, me! Why would he love me! I have no special skills, I'm not attractive, and I'm not as great as he says I am! … Besides doesn't he say that stuff to make me feel better? Not because he actually believes it?'_

"I love you too," he murmured quietly as he tightened his arms around me.

"You what?" I gasped. I tensed even more. My eyes were as big as dinner plates as my mouth was agape. I… couldn't believe my ears.

He pulled back from the hug so he could look me in the eye, and his glacier-blue eyes wrinkled in happiness and amusement as he stared into my own bewildered brown eyes. He smiled a lop-sided, boyish smile as he spoke lightheartedly.

"Oh, come on, Strawberry. Don't tell me you're that surprised. Did you think I told you nice, sappy shit just to make you feel better?"

He laughed when I frowned at him in slight confusion. I was wondering why else he would have done so, and apparently that was displayed on my face.

"I only spoke the truth to you this whole time. I wasn't hiding my feelings for you; in fact, I think I them out on display. The only thing I didn't do was confess to you. I was going to do that sometime in the near future, but I wanted to at least see if you had at least some interest in me before I did. It looks like I don't have wait any longer, huh?" He smiled even wider, as my surprise melted into embarrassment as I pouted at him. This made his smile even larger, somehow.

"So now," he continued in his low sexy baritone, making me suppress a shiver as his light blue eyes looked into mine with a sense of a predator marking its prey, a look that drove me crazy and made me squirm. "After all of this time, I'll take what I want."

With that, he kissed me, and we completely forgot about his lessons.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 ***Thank you to all of those who've reviewed, favorited and followed! I really appreciate your words and support!**

 **Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach or any of its characters!  
Warning: Sad, depressive theme**

 **I hope you enjoy! ***

"Ne, Ichigo?"

"Hmm?" I hummed as I turned over in the bed to face my blue haired boyfriend. He looked as though he had wanted to say something, but he just opened his mouth, closed it, smiled at me, and said that it was nothing as he pulled me close to him. I quirked an eyebrow at his weird behavior but then I shrugged to myself and smiled into his chest. I put an arm around him as I let out a breathy sigh, content with life and thinking about when our relationship had changed.

Three months ago, on the night we had confessed to one another, we decided to stop at kissing before things got too serious. We were tired, it was late, and I still had school in morning. Though, instead of getting ready for bed and Grimmjow going into the closet, we just kind of just passed out on the bed in our clothes. My father had found us cuddling the next morning.

I had quickly told him an elaborate - but believable - lie saying that Grimmjow was a friend of mine that was experiencing a lot of financial issues. I had said that he was kicked out of his apartment, that his parents had died when he was young, and that he was in need of a place to stay since he had no where else to go. I had said that I'd invited him over to stay at our house, and - since it was late and everyone else was asleep - I let him crash with me in my room. My father and Yuzu easily accepted the lie with tears in their eyes, but Karin didn't believe it at all. She had hissed at Grimmjow and claimed that he was a 'dangerous cotton candy head.' However, everyone ignored her since he had seemed harmless – everyone except for Kon. Kon wasn't entirely _for_ Grimmjow staying either. He growled and yelled at me, saying that it wasn't a good idea, and when he saw that I wasn't going to listen to him, he moved into Yuzu and Karin's room. He wasn't willing to sleep in the same room as Grimmjow as he claimed that he had felt uneasy around him.

Ever since then, Grimmjow was able to leave my bedroom, eat meals with my family, and hang out with my father and Yuzu.

Grimm and my father had actually become good friends, so when my father had seen the makeshift bed in my closet, he recommended that he sleep elsewhere. Grimmjow refused politely and continued to sleep in the closet - though sometimes we just lay on my bed for a bit before we go to sleep. My father had asked if Grimm wanted a separate bed or futon moved into the room, but Grimm had argued that the room was too small and that he was fine with sleeping in the closet. My father dropped that matter and moved to the next. My father had then asked why Grimmjow didn't go to school. We had partially lied and said that I was tutoring him because he couldn't pay for school supplies or the school fees. He'd easily accepted the explanation, and after that, I was… happy.

We had spent a lot of time together. We would study, watch football or mixed martial arts, eat together – where he made sure I ate something - play video games, and we would even just sit and do our own thing while we listened to music. We also went on dates.

Sure, we had to be careful to not run into any of my "friends" and Grimmjow was always alert to any Shinigami that may be around, but we'd managed, and we had some pretty amazing dates. We went to the rustic café in the corner of town more often than not – which was near the beach. We also went to the bookstore, the beach, the amusement park, and one time we went to a Twenty One Pilot concert. He doesn't really like them, but I had recently developed a love for their music. So, when we discussed what to do for our next date, he suggested going to their next concert, and we went.

It was one of the most magical nights of my life: being surrounded and getting lost in my favorite music, having an experience I've always wanted with the person that I wanted to share such a wonderful moment with. Being with Grimmjow… had made me happier than I could have ever imagined.

Even though my instructors and peers still condemned and resented me; even though Inoue, Ishida and Chad still unheeded me; even though I was still bullied; even though my mind was still a dark maze; even though I still experienced poisonous guilt, hopeless sadness, and helpless emptiness… I feel as though I can make it through the day as long as I had Grimmjow.

He was always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or an ear to listen to my complaints. He was the antidote to the poisonous guilt. His presence and words filled me with hope, and made it easier to breath. He gave me a sense of security that I had _never_ experienced before. He gave me the joy that I couldn't find on my own. He… had given me so much… he had become irreplaceable. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had ever lost him. I didn't _want_ to know what I would do if I had ever lost him, so instead of thinking about it, I had decided to dismiss my thoughts and focus on something that was bugging me.

"Hey, Grimm?" I called quietly. He shifted to look down at me with his icy-blue eyes.

"Yeah?"

"What were you going to say?"  
He fixed me with a slightly confused countenance before he replied. "Why are you asking that now? That was like twenty minutes ago," he inquired with genuine curiosity whilst one of his eyebrows quirked. I blinked at him, and then I glanced away, slightly embarrassed about my sappy reminiscing as I avoided his question.

"Just answer the damn question," I muttered with no heat as I pouted at him. He chuckled for a moment before he instantaneously sobered up and looked at me with complete seriousness.

"I," he began, but he stopped himself as he lowered his eyes, which were heavy with sadness, as if it pained him to say what he had in mind. I felt dread creep into me, and my expression was taken over by concern.

"Grimm?" I called in a small worried tone as I tried to catch his eyes with mine. He didn't react for a second. Then, he slowly gazed back at me and I saw melancholy cloud his eyes.

"Grimmjow? What's wrong?"

"I have a question… but," he began hesitantly before he trailed off again. I patiently waited for him to continue. After a few more moments of silence, he spoke and he sounded a bit firmer. "I'm not sure whether I should ask. It's kind of a… sensitive question that I've been wanting to ask you for… a while now…"

My eyes widened for a fraction of a second before I rolled my eyes at him. "Grimm, we've been over this - it's okay if you want to ask me something. Besides, I've told you my whole life's story and pretty much everything that goes on with me, so telling you more wouldn't hurt," I replied softly as I smiled up at him. He simply pouted at me and I chuckled.

"I know… it's just kind of hard to ask," he mumbled as he looked at me with a slightly downhearted expression. I gazed at him solemnly as I took in his expression. I chastised myself, thinking that I shouldn't have said what I did – I should have just told him to just ask his question.

Besides, I already knew that he knew. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about our own issues, our pasts, and our thoughts on many subjects. Though, that doesn't mean we don't argue just because we communicate. We have our spats, however, when we argue, we would give each other some space, come back to my room and then talk about what had made us upset. We would try to reach an understanding and move on. We made sure to communicate as efficiently as we could to avoid misunderstandings. We'd even talked about sex – despite it being _extremely_ embarrassing and awkward – and we'd agree that we were consensual and that we would just go with the flow of things. Besides, with my mentality, my libido hasn't really been at the level of what a teenager's should have been when his partner was like sex on legs. Don't get me wrong, I'm undeniably attracted to him and want to make love to him… it was just that acting on my feelings was difficult for me.

It was strange, I either had no energy for it, or it was like my mind and body didn't agree with each other, and I had felt guilty when I had explained it to him. However, Grimmjow understood and respected me. He never pressured me or did anything that I wasn't okay with, and I can't even begin to express how much I appreciated that and how our relationship is. Our relationship was one where we were open with each other and respected one another. It was real; it had substance, we both cared about what we have and we took one step at a time… together. Soon enough he had become the most important person in my life. So when I saw his expression, I instantly felt guilt grip my heart.

"Grimm… sorry. I know you're just concerned about my feelings. I shouldn't have been dismissive... What's your question?" I asked as I snuggled into his chest, silently encouraging him to continue. There was a short spell of contemplative silence before he opened his mouth.

"Why hasn't your father done anything?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, I tensed. My eyes widened in surprise as I pulled away from his chest to look at him. He gazed down at me with solemn curiosity as the corners of his mouth turned a bit downwards.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a quiet and placid tone. I figured what he'd meant, but I wanted to make sure I knew what he was talking about to avoid jumping to conclusions.

"He's a doctor, right? He surely must have noticed how you acted, and that something wasn't right. He must have seen that _something_ was wrong when you came home with bruises… He seems like a good guy… so why didn't he do anything?" He murmured as his grip on me tightened protectively. I thought that this would be his question… but I was taken back by how offended he'd sounded. Before I could respond, he lessened his hold on me, deflating a bit before he apologized.

"Sorry… I know that you probably don't know, and I also know that this is a delicate matter… but," he paused as his expression changed from a small frown to scowl. "I just can't take it when I think about it! He should help you! He should've seen what was happening! He's a fucking doctor! ... He's your _dad_. He should have done something. He should do something," he hissed, but his voice became somewhat strained towards the end as he looked at me with hurt irritation in his eyes. I didn't really expect him to be so passionate, but as soon as I thought that I felt silly. Of course Grimmjow would be passionate about what he thought, that's just who he was, and I loved him for it, but right now was not the time to think about the things I loved about him. I took a calming breath and tried to answer his question.

"I… have put some thought into it," I began hesitantly, lowering my eyes. A strained silence rested over us until Grimmjow lifted a hand to caress my cheek. I looked up at him to see his saddened expression.

"Strawberry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to… I'm sorry I asked."

I shook my head and offered him a small smile. "No, it's okay. I don't really mind. It's just that I didn't expect you to ask that question, not after so long. I mean you've been with hanging around me for like eight months now. I thought you would've asked a lot sooner," I say with a huff as I stuck my tongue out at him. He threw an embarrassed scowl at me, causing me to chuckle, but before long I grew serious once again.

"Well," I began as I put my hand over his, interlacing our fingers as I spoke – aware that I had his full-undivided attention when I looked away from him. "I think that he'd noticed. I bet he knew everything from the very beginning."

"What?"

I chanced a glance up at his face. He was flabbergasted, but I just continued. "I think he either wanted me to deal with it myself, or he rejected the fact that something was wrong. Kind of like he'd convinced himself that nothing was wrong, that everything that was happening was normal, and to just continued on like everything was fine. In other words, he was, and probably is, in denial. On a side note - now that I'm thinking about the actions my father hasn't taken - I think that he either knows what you are, or he at least knows that you aren't normal, but since he hasn't done anything now, I doubt he ever will. Besides it's not like you're a threat to my sisters," I said dismissively to make it seem like talking about this didn't make my heart twinge in pain. Grimmjow just frowned. I could see that he didn't think that I was as unaffected as I led on, but instead of mentioning it, he just took on a look of confusion.

"Why would he 'reject' what was happening? And how would he know that I'm different?"

I lazily shrugged one shoulder as I glanced away from him in shame. "You don't remember? I told you a while ago that he's a Shinigami so we should be cautious around him. I bet he felt some sort of reiatsu from you; he just never attacked you or anything. For the former question… I'm not quite sure," I mumbled. "Maybe it's because I'm not supposed to be like how I am. Maybe it's because I'm supposed to be strong. I'm supposed to be able to take care of myself and deal with my own problems. I need to take responsibility for myself and be independent… besides, I'm the oldest and I'm a guy. I need to-" I began to rant bitterly, but then a soft lips covered my own, effectively shutting me up. I was surprised for a moment before my eyes slowly began to close on their own as I kissed back. When the kiss was over, I was left slightly breathless. I looked up at Grimmjow with a dazed countenance.

"Shut up," he growled quietly with no heat in his voice, his trademark scowl was present on his handsome face. "I get what you're saying. I think I can understand what you mean by that, _however_ , it's all _so_ stupid." He mumbled as he gently shifted so then he could rest on an elbow, leaving an arm wrapped around my waist. His countenance was fixed with solemn determination and a bit of melancholy, as his light blue eyes seemed to stare into my being. I felt my eyes widen. I bet I looked stunned, but I just focused what he was saying with his gruff voice.

"Can't you see, Ichigo? You are strong, and I'm not talking about when you beat me, or Ulquiorra, or that asshole, Aizen. I'm not talking about physical strength; I'm talking about how strong you are on the inside. Ichigo, you are _so_ damn strong for enduring everything that had happened. How many times do I have to say that for it to get into your damn head," he said stubbornly as he gave me a firm stare.

"Wha- no. No, I'm not-" I began in a quiet fashion as I glanced away from his intense stare, but he tenderly shifted a hand to cup my cheek. This action silenced me as he continued with a sincere tone and expression, both slightly strained with sadness. "You're so strong… but sometimes… the strong need help. It's not about you being responsible, taking care of your own problems, being independent, being the first kid, or being a fuckin' guy. It's not about any of that shit. It's about you being hurt for too long, and your close ones weren't doing anything to help when they could clearly see that things were not okay. Sure, you hid it from them, and you weren't really taking care of yourself… but who wouldn't hide it, and why would you take care of yourself when you're in such a mindset? That's why your loved ones should be there to help take care of you when you need it! If they know something's off, they should offer you help, not leave you to figure it out! That's how it's supposed to be, goddamn it!"

When he was finished he glared at a spot on the bed and I gawked at him in astonishment. He never ceased to surprise me. I was stunned at his small outburst, but after a few moments of strained silence, my expression relaxed. I stayed silent and waited for him to look at me, and when he glanced my way, I caught his eyes with my own, and I smiled.

His eyes widened slightly as he took in my expression, and my smile grew a bit as I reached to caress his cheek. His eyebrows pulled together in confusion as his eyes were consumed with surprise and curiosity, wondering what I was doing and thinking. Yet, I smiled regardless of his confusion.

I just felt… _overwhelmed…_ with emotions. He was the only one that could ever make me feel safe and secure; I was always the one protecting and now I'm the one being saved. Granted I was being saved from myself… but that's _exactly_ what I needed… I needed someone to save me from myself before I did anything I would regret for the rest of my life – he was that someone. He was the only one that came to my rescue when I needed it most. He was the only one that could ever pull me out of these dark thoughts of mine. He was the only one who could lift the depression that dragged me down every day. He was the only one who could make me feel that pleasant buzz in my chest just by being around him. He was the only one who I could feel like no matter what happened, he'd be there for me and I'd be there for him; he wouldn't leave me.

These thoughts whirled around in my head as I got choked up from his words. I was ecstatic and touched that he always cared so much about me. Sometimes it seems as though I forget that he does care deeply about me, and he always reminds me that he does. He doesn't even mind reminding me of this sappy shit. I don't think that he's _aware_ that I _need_ this sort repetition, but I silently appreciate it. I appreciate him so much that I cannot even begin to express my loving gratitude for what this man had given to me.

My feelings of sheer love for him swelled so much that I couldn't contain myself.

Before I could think about what I was doing, I pulled him towards me and gave him a deep kiss, putting all of my feelings for him into it. He was absolutely stunned and didn't react for a little while, but before long, he kissed me back with the same intensity and passion.

What did I ever do to get a man who always seemed to know just what to say without lying to me? What did I ever do to deserve him? I can't express how much my heart just swelled with the love and gratitude. I couldn't begin to express in words just how precious he was to me, and how much I treasured him. So I tried to convey my feelings through my actions.

We held that long, deep, passionate kiss until our lungs burned and we _had_ to separate. When we pulled away, our breaths mingled as we panted. When my eyes met his, my stomach and heart burst with excitement and desire. His eyes bore into my being, looking into my soul with an intensity, a want, that threatened to swallow me whole. I could only imagine that I was giving him the same intense stare of pure longing, but my thoughts were scattered when I heard him mutter.

"Ichigo… can I…?" he whispered as he pulled me even closer. I knew exactly what he was asking when I gazed into his longing eyes, filled to the brim with desire. I only stared at him for several moments as I tried to soak in what was happening, but it didn't take long for me to give him a curt nod. For some reason, my mind and body were finally in agreement with each other at the thought of wanting him.

His eyes to glint in a predatory manner as he quickly connected our lips in another heated kiss. Yet, after this kiss, we didn't stop.

I was propelled towards madness. We got lost in each other: in our passion for one another. I had never felt so complete or loved in my whole life, and as I laid in his secure warm embrace, I knew that no matter what happened from then on that I'd never regret falling in love with Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez.

: -:

"Ichigo!"

I woke with a start. I sat up quickly, but I had instantly regretted doing so since I had rammed into his forehead.

"Ah… fuck. What is it, Grimm?" I asked with a sleepy huff, too tired to actually get irritated as I lazily rubbed the bump forming on my forehead. I heard him cuss under his breath as he gingerly touched his tiny injury. I chuckled at him as he glared at me with no heat and threw my pajama pants at me. Surprised, I fumbled to catch the piece of clothing. When I had managed to catch my pants, I sent a glare his way, but my expression relaxed when I realized that he wasn't looking at me.

"I wanted to wake up early so we wouldn't be caught naked _together_ by your old man, and then I thought I should wake you up too, since you don't usually sleep in the nude," he mumbled with an embarrassed scowl on his face. I blinked at him before my face flared up, remembering everything that had happened last night.

In my embarrassment, I quickly and clumsily pulled on my pants, but after a few moments of feeling awkward, I began to calm. It dawned on me that there was nothing to be ashamed of for sleeping with the one that I love. I realized that I shouldn't be embarrassed _because_ it was Grimmjow; the man that could make me happy with just his presence alone, the man that I know would always have my back, the man that made me feel things that I had never thought a wretched soul like myself could ever feel. He may be a rash stubborn pain-in-the-ass, but at the end of the day, he cares for me much more than anyone else. He may be loud, rude, blunt, crude, and reckless, but… he's the man that I had helplessly fallen for. When all of these heartwarming thoughts filled my mind and heart, I smiled lovingly at him. After long moments of silence, he reluctantly glanced over at me and his expression was slowly overtaken with curious wonder.

"Ichigo?"

"Hmm?" I hummed as I gradually got up from the bed and tried to walk over to him. A harsh pain shot in my ass. I tried my best to ignore it as the thought that it was evidence that last night wasn't some realistic blissful dream occupied my brain. Though it seemed as though my efforts were in vain as his surprise countenance changed to concerned.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" He questioned as he walked up to me and placed his large hands on my shoulders. I didn't answer him when I saw the realization pour over him. "Did I hurt you?" He asked as his grip tightened and he pursed his lips. He had a hard expression, but I knew that he was feeling a bit guilty and was probably mad at himself. I chuckled at him as I shrug off his hold on me and shuffled forward to give him a hug. He didn't react for a moment; probably in speculation as to what I was thinking until he eventually, unhurriedly, and awkwardly hugged me back. We stood there for a few moments, and right when Grimmjow took a breath to say something, I quickly seized the opportunity to speak first.

"I'm okay, Grimm. Actually, I'm more than okay. I'm great," I breathed as I pulled away to look into his puzzled eyes. I felt my eyes wrinkle in happiness as I continued. "I was just thinking that I shouldn't be embarrassed for what happened last night, because I did it with you. Grimm, I just I love you so much that I don't know what to do with myself. I mean… you make me so happy. I never thought I would be able to even feel happiness again before you came along. Grimm, you have no idea how much you mean to me. I don't say this sappy shit enough, and it may sound like _the_ cheesiest thing on the planet, but you're everything I could have ever asked for. You're more than I could have ever imagined. You're perfect in your own fierce way, and no matter what anyone else thinks or says, I will never regret falling for you," I say in almost a whisper, as I looked right into his beautiful pale blue eyes that had broaden in shock.

He seemed to be absolutely flabbergasted as his mouth hung slightly agape and his eyebrows rose to almost meet his hairline, but his reaction didn't stop my smile from persisting on my face, until his face looked disheartened as he looked melancholily to the ground. My smile fell as my eyebrows came together in worry. I was about to ask what was wrong, but he spoke before I could ask.

"But… I'm a hollow. I'm an Espada. I'm not human, and from what you've taught me about science, there is nothing remotely scientific about me. Besides, Strawberry, you know that I wasn't a good guy before. I've killed many; I have blood on my hands… I… I kind of feel ashamed of myself for tainting you with these hands… I mean! Don't get me wrong! It's not like you're some fragile princess or something! It's just that… Compared to me, you're so much better… you used your powers solely for the sake of others… I had only used my powers for myself and my own petty needs…" He tried to step out of my grasp, but I held him firmly in place. The corners of my mouth perked up into a kind smile.

"Grimm, you can be such a dumbass sometimes."

"Eh?!"

I laughed at how surprised he was, and at how quickly his expression went from surprised to annoyed.

"What do you mean by that?! I was being serious! Asshole!" He hissed as he scowled and backed away from my hold on him.

I almost fell over with the quick unexpected movement, but he caught me before I hit the ground. Sharp pain shot up my spine and I winced. I looked up at him to see his concern and I could tell that he regretting moving so hastily. I smirked at him, silently telling him that I was okay, before I stood up, slowly walked to my bed, and sat down in a way that was somewhat comfortable. When I had situated myself, I gazed over at him and he seemed to be ashamed as he rubbed the back of his neck and peered off to the side.

"Grimm, come here," I began in a gentle tone, knowing that I had to tread lightly as to not hurt him any further. He gave me a sideways gaze before he huffed, sat in my desk chair, and wheeled over to sit in front of me. He was reluctant to look my in the eye, but I waited until he looked up. When he finally glanced up at me, I held his gaze and I began to speak.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to insult you. I'm also sorry if it seemed like I wasn't taking you seriously," I began in a quiet tone. I really did feel bad about possibly making him feel like I didn't care. I felt like the worse, but after all of this time, I knew that Grimmjow wouldn't want me to feel like this, so I tried my best to just be positive and take one step at a time.

When he heard my apology, his irritation seemed to drain from his face. Instead of vexation, he seemed to be interested in what I had to say. I swallowed. Why did my mouth suddenly feel dry?

"Um, well, the only reason why I said that you can be such a dumbass is because it's true. I mean; I don't care about those things, Grimm. I am not saying this to undermine you or your feelings. Besides - I thought we've been over this… but if you need me to say this again, I will. Who you were before you came to live with me, doesn't matter to me. I loved you back when you were my enemy. I wasn't sure back then, but I am now. Grimmjow, I loved you then, and I love you now. Don't think of yourself as impure or filthy, because you aren't. Just like how I'm not tainted, you're not tainted too. I've never cared that you're a big bad hollow. It's a part of who you are, and I accept that. It's what had lead to us meeting in the first place, and I… think its sort of awesome, badass, and… sexy…" I had begun with softness in my tone, but I ended hesitantly as I looked away from him. I mean, I've said all of this before, except for the last two sentences... I had always thought those words, but never actually told him since I was embarrassed, but now… I thought that I should tell him. This may be what he needed to hear.

There were several moments of silence, and when I chanced a glance at him, my face flared up. He was just staring at me with a large warm smile on his face; it even reached his eyes, making them even more brilliant than usual.

"What?" I scowled at him, but he remained unaffected as he stood and held out his hand to me. I raised an eyebrow in suspicion, but I took his hand anyway. He gently helped me up, and then he hugged me. I just simply smiled as I returned the hug. After a few peaceful moments, he pulled away, and gave me a peck on the lips.

"Let's go get ready for school!"

"…Eh?"

"I've just decided that I'll walk you to school today. It should be too early for other students to be filing in, so I though I could walk with you," he said as he held one of my hands, and rubbed the back of his neck with the other as he beamed at me with a grin on his face. He looked so happy. I smiled at him. Then I chuckled, said 'sure,' and got ready. Before I knew it, we were on our way.

I had never considered the consequences; but I guess that's what happens when you're drunk on the happiness you'd never thought you would have.

: -:

"Thanks for walking with me," I mumbled self-consciously, shoving my hands in my pockets. We had walked to my school together for the first time, walking shoulder to shoulder, and we talked about trivial things like why are leaves green, and why was the sky blue. When we reached the entrance gates, Grimmjow turned to me, chuckled as he hooked a thumb in his pants pocket, and cupped my cheek with the other. He stepped closer to me, and before I could react, he kissed me. I hastily, but gently, pushed his chest to stop him.

"Wait, Grimm! We…! We're in public," I hissed at first, but then muttered the end.

"So? We've done it before," he asked, genuinely curious as he took half a step back to see my flustered expression clearly. He didn't seem to really see the problem, so I huffed as I quickly muttered: "We can't kiss in front of my school! There's a big chance of someone we know seeing us! At least at a concert or on the beach, no one is really paying attention, especially if you're in a secluded spot like how we were before, but here! It's eye catching, and that could cause us problems."

"Oh…" He breathed as he had realized his mistake.

I instantly felt bad for making a big deal out of something that should have been trivial, so I began to inspect our surroundings.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he began to glance around.

I ignored him, and after a few more moments of observing, I turned to him with a soft smile. He quirked a suspicious eyebrow, wondering what the hell I was doing, but before he could ask, I stepped forward, standing less than a few inches away from him. He was surprised, but didn't back away at my advance.

"It seems like the coast is clear, so I guess one more kiss couldn't hurt," I whispered as I glanced down at his lips for a moment before I looked back up at him. He smiled boyishly before I pressed my lips to his. This kiss was sweet and chaste.

We parted and stepped back. We wished each other a good day as we went our own ways until I went back to him when classes were done for the day. Though, right when I was about to leave, he stopped me and said that he would be waiting for me in the abandoned park that we went to when we had decided that he'd be living with me. He said that he would set up a picnic and that he'd make food while everyone was away. I grinned at him and told him that I'd be there as soon as school was over. I was so excited that I couldn't focus for the rest of the day, like how I was every time I was going to go on a date with Grimmjow.

: -:

 _Ring! Ring!_

Finally! The last bell _finally_ rang! I swear that if time and a snail were in a race, the snail would win by a long shot.

I hastily began to gather my school supplies, but before I could make it out the door, Keigo and Mizuiro blocked my way.

"What is it, you guys?" I huffed in irritation as I crossed my arms and frowned. They looked at each other, and then at me with placid expressions.

"You're different," they said simultaneously time with monotone voices. I blinked at them.

"What?"

"Who are you seeing?"

My eyes went wide before I regained my composure. I couldn't even deny anything before Mizuiro spoke.

"You don't have to tell us who it is, but don't lie and say you aren't seeing anyone. Only someone special can pull you out of whatever funk you were in before, so allow me ask you three things." He paused, looking at me for some kind of indication to continue.

I was wondering what I should do to get myself out of the situation, but then I just gave up. I mean; it's Keigo and Mizuiro, my closest friends that have proven that they'd stick with me no matter what. I shrugged in my head as I nodded at him. He gave a curt nod before he continued.

"Does this person make you happy? Do they really love you? Do you love them?"

I was amazed at the straightforwardness, but I got over it quickly as I hesitated to answer. I wasn't really sure why. Maybe it's because I had never told anyone about how I felt about Grimmjow, and even if I had always wanted to tell someone, I was just… frightened. Perhaps that's what just how it was when one had to come to terms with their feelings. Who knows? All I knew was that I was seriously contemplating answering these questions, but as the time passed, I'd realized something. I really _wanted_ someone else to know about how I love Grimm. Despite my fear, I'd realized I wanted to shout to the world that such a great guy was mine. My desire to tell someone outweighed my fears of admitting to the sensitive yet strong feelings I had. So after having these small epiphanies, I looked up to see my friends pleasantly, but thoroughly, stunned. Yet, I didn't care. I already knew I had a warm smile as I answered with absolute certainty.

"Yes, yes, and yes."

The sound of my voice seemed to snap them out of their daze. Mizuiro replied with a 'good,' while Keigo patted my shoulder and wished me luck with a serious yet cheerful tone. I smiled at them effortlessly, nodded, and left to go see my beloved.

: -:

"Shit, I said I'd be there as soon as school ended. It's like thirty minutes to get to the park by walking, so if I run, I could get there in fifteen. Hopefully he hasn't been waiting for too long," I mumble to myself as I took off my indoor shoes and put on my outdoor shoes. Though as soon as I stepped outside, I was thrown against a wall.

"Hey, you carrot-headed _bitch_. Where do you think you're goin', huh?!"

"Yeah! You fucking _bastard_! Where you goin'?!"

I looked up to see some neighborhood bullies that picked a fight with me last week. I stood up straight, brushed off the dirt I spotted on my shoulder, and I began to walk towards the school gate, ignoring the ignorant fools, yet they persisted.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, you deaf-" the first bully who had spoken wasn't able to finish his sentence since I gave him a swift but powerful punch to the jaw, knocking his lights out. Before the other bully could even react, I kicked him in the head and sent him into unconsciousness. I glared at them for a moment before I huffed and ran to meet Grimmjow.

' _Ugh, what's up with these setbacks? Geez, I really hope I hadn't made him wait for too long.'_

I ran as fast as my lanky legs could carry me. As I ran my mind began to wander, imagining what he could have created for me. I was wondering if he'd burnt whatever he was planning to serve. I wondered if he was secretly learning how to cook by looking up cooking tutorial videos on the Internet, or if he had been trying to learn how to cook by watching Yuzu. I wondered if he was just going to wing it. I wondered what we were going to talk about. _'Whatever he'd made, I want to eat it no matter what… Besides, he made it for_ me _.'_

I used my excitement as my driving force to catapult forward, and when the abandoned park that we had sat in so long ago came into view, I got even faster. My legs and lungs burned a bit from the exertion. When I had finally reached the park I stuttered to a stop to catch my breath, but I quickly began to walk to where we had sat before.

"Hey! Grimm! I'm here! Where-"

" _Gyaaaaah_!"

My blood froze. My body tensed. Adrenaline poured into my veins.

" _Guuuuuh_!"

 _'Grimmjow…?'_

"Grimmjow!" I bellowed, his name thundering out of my chest and inching at the back of my throat as I recognized his cries.

I ran towards the screams, only thinking about how I need to get to him; I have to help him; _'I have to save him.'_  
"Grimm-!" I began to scream, but when I arrived to the top of the hill we had sat at, I was silenced as I watched him fall.

Blood was splattered everywhere.

The picnic basket was red. The grass was red. The trees were red.

Grimmjow was red. He was covered in blood. He was covered in his own blood.

"Grimm… Grimmjow!" I shouted as I stumbled towards him. I tripped over myself and fell down next to him. I quickly got up to check on him.

His eyes were closed. He wasn't responding. My mind was reeling, going a mile a minute.

Before I could perform some kind of first aid, he coughed up blood, and then he opened his eyes. They were narrowed in pain and in obvious effort to keep them open.

"Grimm!"

"I… Ichigo, I couldn't… get out of… the gigai… I was stuck… in this material body… I couldn't escape…" he explained meekly. His voice was strained with pain. He coughed again. More blood flowed out of him so effortlessly. It was as if it weren't an important substance that he needed to live.

"Shhhh, Grimm, don't speak. I have to give you first aid. You need help. You… You're really hurt," I began in a calmed hurried voice, but as I spoke my calmness crumbled and my voice became strained. I began to panic. He's loosing too much blood too quickly.  
I began to assess his injuries, and my stomach plummeted into the earth at a sickening velocity, while my heart was being _slowly_ torn apart bit-by-every-little-shitty-bit.

His clothes were in shreds, putting all of his injuries on display. He had multiple lacerations in his torso, some of them shallow, most of them deep. His …left arm … had been cut off. His right leg was frozen solid. His right arm was broken. He was… stabbed so many times; one of the deeper stab wounds was really fucking close to his heart. Worst of all, the artery in his left inner thigh was cut with deadly precision.

I was so close to throwing up. I couldn't take it. The mere thought of him getting hurt shattered my heart… but _this_. It was too overwhelming. Nevertheless, I still managed to spring into action.

I took off my shirt, shredded it into several long strips, and I tried to make a makeshift tourniquet for whatever was left of his left arm and his left leg. After that I began to push the fabric into the really big wounds that were pumping blood out of him, especially where the cut artery was, this made him stir.

"Grimm, don't move-"

"Ichi… sh-shut up and… listen… to me," he struggled to say as he held back coughs and panted heavily. The determined pleading look in his eyes silenced me. They made me hold my breath. It was almost like if I had made a single move, he would shatter. I was absolutely _petrified_ as I listened to his fin- to his words. They weren't his last words… they couldn't be.

"We both know… I can't survive this… not in this body… look, just know that… you're not at fault and that … you're always… worth more… than… you think… I … love… you…" He rasped hurriedly at first, struggling as he continued, but towards the end, his speech slowed and before I knew it, he was no longer moving.

He wasn't breathing as I watched whatever life that was in his eyes fade. His body went limp in my arms. The eyes that were filled with worry for me, that were filled with love for me… had gone dull with lifelessness.

"Grimm," my voice trembled as I slightly shook him. There was no response.

I couldn't feel anything as I watched. It was as if my emotions were frozen stiff. I shook him a bit more.

"Grimm…?" I heard my voice crack. The only thing that I could feel was the contrast of my trembling arms against his unmoving body. _'When had I started shaking?'_

"Oh, would you stop this nonsense. This is pathetic. Even for you, Kurosaki." A cold even voice suddenly cut through the heavy atmosphere and my muddled thoughts.

Suddenly, without warning, large heavy tears began to pour out of my eyes, as if the dams that were holding on this whole time finally broken and the water poured out. I slowly looked up to see someone I hadn't noticed standing there before, someone who I had never thought I'd see again.

"B… Bya… kuya…? Wh- what are you doing here? What… what's going on…?" My voice cracked with the overwhelming emotions I was feeling all at once. It was all so devastating… It was all so confusing… _what was happening_?

"Shut up, you insolent fool. What did you think would happen once we found him?"

"Huh?"

"We found out about him when Orihime and Ishida had said they felt a strange, unfamiliar, faint reiatsu. Why didn't you betray him? Why did you betray _us_?" Another male's voice had spoken. My eyes turned to my left, watching Renji step out of the shadows of the trees with a serious countenance and dull eyes.

"Renji…?"

"Yeah, Ichigo, what did you think was going to happen if you kept him cooped up in your home? Why didn't you betray him? Why did you think that we wouldn't watch you since they had said something? Why did you think that engaging in that revolting shit with him wouldn't spike his reiatsu? Why did you get _intimate_ with him?" A familiar female voice spoke from behind me. My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I slowly turned to look over my shoulder.

"Ru… Rukia? Wh… what the fuck is going on…? Grimm… he's… what're you…? Why're you here? Why can I… see you? … What's… happening?" I croaked, confused beyond belief. I was shaking like a leaf as I tried to compute what was happening. Suddenly, I started to feel a nagging sharp pain that was pulsing in my right forearm.

"Wha-" I began to question, but as I turned my head to look forward, I saw a pure white katana sticking out of Grimmjow's chest… straight through his heart… and into my forearm, piercing right through.

' _What the fuck? What?! Why…? Why hadn't I seen that before?!'_

I was about to scream.

I was confused. I was sorrowful. I was so torn. I was despondent, desolate, crushed, grief-stricken, pained, injured, and bewildered. I was broken again, but this time, I couldn't be put back together. I was overloaded with emotions and the pain from the katana, but before I would even let out a whimper, Rukia covered my mouth. She swiftly and forcefully yanked the katana out of my arm and out of Grimmjow's corpse. I didn't even react as pain flooded my senses. I didn't make a sound, nor did I move. I was just so overcome with grief and astonishment that I couldn't function properly.

"Wha…? When did you stab me? Why didn't I notice…? Why… Grimm… oh, Grimm… he… _couldn't_ have died..." I whispered harshly as I began to slowly shake my head. This couldn't be happening… Right? Yeah, this was all just a dream. A nightmare… Right?

"He _was_ a hollow, Kurosaki." Byakuya began to speak in his usual monotone voice and with dark ice-cold eyes. "He was an Espada. He was the _sexta_ Espada. He was a threat, and he needed to go. He got stuck in his gigai, because he never learnt to how get out of one. You didn't tell him how, did you? You forgot, didn't you? You were sitting so comfortably on the thought that he wouldn't need to get out of the gigai, because you never thought we'd find and kill him, huh? It was either that, or Urahara made it so that he _couldn't_ escape, trapping him inside of a rigged gigai… Anyway, you have to be punished for betraying the Soul Society by keeping an enemy and having a _personal_ relationship with that enemy. We'll be taking you with us."

As soon as he was finished speaking, something shuffled behind me, and as I mumbled under my breath to Grimmjow's corpse that I loved him too, everything went dark while pain exploded in the back of my head.

: -:

' _H-huh…?'_

I felt my eyes flutter open. I immediately squinted as I adjusted to the light. Soon enough, I was able to focus, and I had found myself staring up to at a gray overcast covering the blue sky.

' _Why does the thought of a blue sky remind me of something? Wait, now that I think about it… why am I staring up at the sky? Why am I lying down on the grass? Where am I?'_

I slowly sat up and looked around. I found myself sitting at the top of a hill that overlooked a field of wilted flowers. There were dark gloomy woods to my left, and the bottom of the hill to my right. As I glanced at my surroundings, I saw something very unexpected and terrifying out of the corner of my eye. I stiffened in complete astonishment as adrenaline began to pump into my system.

There were dead bodies lying a few feet behind of where I was sitting. I scurried away from them. Scared and confused, I took in what was in front of me.

One of the corpses had cotton candy blue hair that reminded me of the morning sky. He had blue-green eye make-up under his eyes, and sharp features. Though he seemed to be at peace, which was eerie because of how badly this man was hurt. I don't even want to think about how he had a leg frozen solid, all of those slashes, and his fucking arm cut off. I wanted to vomit at the sight, but I did my best to hold back the queasiness in my stomach as I further assessed the situation.

I saw another corpse that was laying face down across the blue haired body. I couldn't see the face of the second body, but he had orange hair for some odd reason, and the way he went out was more merciful than how the other guy had died. The orange haired guy got the back of his head smashed in. Bits of his skull and gray matter were splattered on the ground, soaking into the soil.

I had no idea how I was able to hold onto my lunch. Though, as soon as I had processed that there were two bodies in front of me, my gaze fall absentmindedly to the blue haired corpse. I felt tears well up at the corners of my eyes as my heart wailed in sorrow and devastation. I had no idea why I was reacting like this; I was so confused. _'Why does it give me immense pain and guilt to see this cotton candy head dead? Why not the orange haired guy? Do I know these people? Do I know the cotton candy head? Who was that person? On second thought… who am I? Why… can't I remember anything…?'_

"Why did you do that, Rukia?!"

The shout startled me out of my thoughts as I snapped my head to the angry voice. "We were just supposed to take his spirit to Soul Society! Not kill his mortal self! Besides, that katana had enough reiatsu to restore his powers so then he could face his punishment! We could have taken him out of his body! But no! Now he's a spirit that has Shinigami powers! We can't bring him back home after his punishment as planned since he wasn't a resident of Soul Society!" A red-haired man in a shihakushō hissed and snarled at a short girl with raven hair who was in the same attire. There was a black-haired man with the same clothes as the other two with the difference of a white cloth over his shihakushō and strange hair clips in his hair. He was standing in-between the two with a puzzled frown on his face, as if he were trying to figure out the solution to a very complex problem.

I was so perplexed as to what the fuck was happening. It felt as though my head was overheating from trying to process too much. There were two dead people, I realized I have no idea who I am and that I have no memories _whatsoever_ , and now there were three people in black shihakushō bickering in front of me and the two dead bodies… what the _fuck_ was going on?! Who are these people?! Who's 'Rukia?!'

"I- I'm sorry. I… didn't mean to. I forgot… he was in his human body and… that a _forceful_ hit like that could… I mean… I didn't realize that… even with his powers… he could still… in his human body… Ichigo…?"

I turned my attention to a hesitant feminine voice that seemed to be filled with stunned dread. The strangers had finally noticed my presence and they were all looking at me with guilt in their eyes. I looked back at them in slight terror and suspicion as I glanced between all three of them.

"Ichigo?" The red-haired man called, but I just gave him a confused frown.

' _Who's 'Ichigo?''_

I hesitantly peeked over my shoulder to see if he was talking to someone else, but I saw no one. I raised a skeptical eyebrow. I turned back at the redhead whose face was slowly being consumed in astonishment.

"Who's 'Ichigo?' Look, instead of gawking at me as if I had just sprouted another motherfucking head, can you guys just tell me what the fuck is going on? Why am I here? Why are there two dead people on the ground?! Did you guys kill them? Who are you people?!" I raised my voice in frustration, fear, and confusion as I scowled and lost the cool I had been planning to keep so then I could try to squeeze the information out of these people effectively. I slowly stood up and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for someone to start talking. I was trying hard to keep calm in the bizarre situation I had been placed into. I really wanted to run away from these people, but I have no idea where to go. I had to think calmly about this. Besides, if these people killed these two guys, why haven't they attacked me? _'Maybe they stumbled upon this scene? Maybe it was all an accident?'_

After a few moments of tense silence, the man with the black-hair stepped in front of me. He appeared to be aloof as he spoke in a dull tone.

"It seems as though you do not remember much of anything. You do not remember who you are, where you are, and what is going on. Is that the case?"

I blinked at him before I narrowed my eyes in wariness. I didn't really like this guy too much and I wasn't sure why, it was just a feeling. However, I decided to tell the truth since it seems as though these people know my past and me. They also seemed to know what had happened to those people.

"Yeah. I can't remember a thing. So, who are you? What the fuck is going on?!" I shouted as I lost my composure once again. He seemed to be unfazed at my mild outburst. I took a deep breath to retain a collected demeanor. He didn't seem the type to talk with people who weren't composed.

When he saw that I had calmed myself down, he huffed and began to speak in a tone that made him sound like he was bored, but I knew that wasn't that case due to how stunned he seemed a few minutes ago.

"Just come with us for now. It is dangerous here. Now that you are a soul with powers, hollows will come here soon. You will get answers when we get to Soul Society and what the captain-commander decides what to do with you now that this… predicament has occurred."

As soon as he finished speaking he turned around and a strange circular paper-wooden door appeared out of nowhere. When the door magically appear I swear my eyes nearly popped out of my head. Flabbergasted, I was frozen stiff as I numbly watched the man calmly step through the door. Suddenly, I felt something push me towards the door. I dug my heels into the ground and looked around frantically. I noticed that the bodies were nowhere to be seen as I saw that the girl and the redhead were the ones pushing me towards the door.

"Hey-!" I began to shout, but before I could say anything else, they gave me one final shove and I stumbled into the door.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting in a large wooden room with pillars supporting the ceiling on both sides of the room. Then I saw the bizarre strangers who all wore the same attire as the black-haired man with the funny hair clips surround me. I was bewildered at the appearances of some of these… people?

There was a huge dog-man, a man with a black and white face and strange Egyptian shit on his head, a tall man with an eye patch and scars littering his skin, and a kid with white hair… who are these people?!

"Wh… what the _fuck_ ," I mutter under my breath as my countenance was enveloped in terrified astonishment.

"Take your places!" A loud authoritative voice boomed from the front of the large room. The people – or creatures – that surrounded me mumbled under their breaths as they lined up and faced towards me. I slowly looked around, utterly confused as I tried to figure out why they were all staring at me and where I was. As I looked around, my eyes caught a figure standing at the front of the room. An old man with a wooden cane and with long ass beard and eyebrows glowered at me. Gulping nervously, I stared directly into his beady eyes. I knew he was dangerous. Though, I didn't know how I knew. I just knew.

"Kurosaki-kun," the old man began with a rough voice as he continued to stare at me. I wasn't sure if he was addressing me, but I figured that he was since I knew there was no one behind me.

"I had been informed moments before your arrival that you have no recollection of who you are or anything about your past, is this true?"

I glanced around as the anxiety, terror, and bewilderment all mixed together in an awful typhoon within my stomach. I looked around to see some with sad faces and others who didn't seem to care. I redirected my attention to the old man, and I felt as though if I didn't answer soon he'd smack me with his cane, so I answered in a tone that I had hoped radiated confidence and not fear.

"Yeah, it's true. I don't remember anything. Um… can I ask something?"

The old man hesitated for a moment before he grunted and motioned with his hand for me to continue.

"Am I 'Kurosaki-kun?'"


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

 ***Thank you So much to all of those who've reviewed, favorited and followed! I really appreciate your words and support! This is it guys; it's the end. I sincerely thank you for sticking with me and for reading my fanfic. I hope that you like it. =)**

 **Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach or any of its characters!  
Warning: Sad, depressive theme**

 **I hope you enjoy! ***

"So," she drew out in a curious tone as we walked down to the academy. "They determined that your punishment would be wavered if you studied and graduated from the Shinigami academy and work for the Gotei 13?"

"Yeah," I answered quietly as I followed… Rukia, if I remembered correctly. I wasn't really paying attention to her or where we were going since I was still trying to accept the fact that I'm a spirit with spiritual powers. I felt power surge through my system, but I didn't know if that was strange, or normal… it felt mysterious to say the least. However, that was not the only thing that distracted me… What ate away at me was the information that old man _didn't_ tell me.

All he had told me was that my name is Kurosaki Ichigo. I died in an accident due to severe head trauma – hence the missing memories - and that I'm now a spirit with spiritual powers because of a 'katana that had the 'reiatsu' of the captains in the Gotei 13 and several other strong individuals.' That's all he had told me before he'd said that the higher-ups had decided that – since I don't remember the 'sins' that I've committed in life - or anything before those sins for that matter - to give me a free pass if I go to the Shinigami academy and worked for the Gotei 13.

I considered not doing it, but then I thought that it wasn't fair to take responsibility for a crime I didn't know I had committed. Moreover, it's not like I am left with any other choice. I could have either been punished for something I didn't know I did, or I could avoid punishment and learn how to use my new powers. I thought the latter sounded more appealing.

So, there I was, walking down a new path, through a place that seemed somewhat familiar. It was as if I'd been to Soul Society before. _'_ Have _I been to Soul Society before? Does that mean I died and figured out a way to come back to life? Was that my 'sin?'… Was I really that smart to figure out something that stupendous?'  
_

"We're here," Rukia announced, interrupting my thoughts. Looking up, there was a large building that looked like it was from feudal Japan loomed over us. It fit the historical Japanese theme the rest of Soul Society had. I realized that I wasn't sure how I knew what feudal Japan looked like… but it seems as though I remember things that aren't really relevant to me. So that's _great_.

"This is the Shinigami academy? It's huge," I mutter in awe. At the corner of my eye, I saw students run around, they seemed to be late for some class as they scurried away, and I noticed that they all seemed to wear the same thing as the actual Shinigami, just in different colors. "Are those the uniforms?"

"Yeah. Girls wear red while boys were blue. Now, lets get going. We need to let the teachers know that you're here. Since you don't remember how to use your powers, and we know that you're really strong, we've set up a special class that will teach you higher leveled skills for you to take in addition to all of your other courses," she rambled thoughtlessly as she opened the door. I stopped in my tracks just before I stepped into the school; she turned back towards me with concerned curiosity, but I was just enveloped in shock.

"I… I had powers before…?"

Her eyes widened at my question before they fell to the floor, regretting that she had even said anything to begin with, but I didn't care if she regretted anything. I just wanted to know the answer. Yet, this simple desire went ignored as she regarded me blankly.

"Come on, Ichigo, we need to go. The next six years of your life starts now."

Scoffing at her, I shook my head. She gave me a skeptical glare, but before she could say anything, I smirked cockily and walked past her mumbling: "I'll be out of here sooner than six years."

"Damn, he called it," Renji grumbled as he leaned back against the outer gate wall of the Shinigami academy and rubbed his neck.

"I know," Rukia responded in a slightly irritated tone whilst she impatiently waited for me to come out of the school building. I had just graduated a few days before, and today was the day that I moved out of my dorm. All of my things were already transported to my new apartment; these two were just waiting for me to finish whatever business I had to attend to before I finally left this place.

Though, I was just on the other side of the gate, eavesdropping on them as I masterfully hid my reiatsu. Even after the three years that I'd been studying and working my ass off to learn how to use my otherworldly powers, I trusted no one. I don't know why, but something at the back of my mind was screeching at me to always keep my guard up. Especially when I thought about _why_ they would want to waver my punishment. The only conclusion that seemed to make the most sense was that they wanted to use me. However, I wasn't sure that that was the case so, with all of my suspicions and whenever the opportunity presented itself, I'd eavesdrop.

"When he said that, I was doubtful, however - in retrospect - it was foolish of me to doubt that he'd graduate early. His mind may have forgotten everything, but I'm sure his body remembers what he'd forgotten. So, not only did he surprise his teachers and the superiors, he must have surprised himself."

Renji gave her a sideways glance. "Yeah. I bet that once he's assigned to a squad, he'd get a captain position quickly since we still need a good captain. We've still been cycling between half-assed captains in certain divisions for a while now and we need someone who can hold a captain position for good."

Deciding that this was a good time to reveal myself, I strolled out from my hiding place with confidence. "Well, you're in luck."

They whipped their heads towards me wide-eyed. "They offered me a captain position since one of the captains had just stepped down," I informed them with a cheerful smile on my face.

"Wh-who?" Rukia asked quietly, completely taken back by something, though I wasn't sure what. Like Renji had just said, they've been going through captains in certain divisions that it began to be the new normal in those divisions, so that's nothing to be stunned for. Though, I decided to not pay too much attention to her reaction as I happily informed them of the good news.

"Captain Hirako from the fifth division. The captain-commander told me that he decided to step down and let me take his position while he served as my vice-captain. He'd said that lieutenant Hinomori quit from the Gotei 13 officially for personal reasons, so it was okay for him to take the vice-captain's seat. I wasn't really sure why he'd do that for me, but when I talked to Captain Hirako in private, he had complained that he'd grown tired of being a captain; but he didn't want to retire from the Gotei 13. So he pounced on this opportunity since no one else wanted to command the fifth division. I mean, I could understand why, with what that Aizen guy did, but that was just an individual acting irrationally, it's not the whole damn unit's fault," huffing, I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled. The duo seemed to be speechless as they watched me talk almost non-stop, so I took the silence as an opportunity to tell them more great news.

"Plus," I placed my hands on my hips in slight exhaustion, "I was unsatisfied just _getting_ the position, so I decided to take the captain's proficiency test. I took the test like an hour or two ago, and guess who passed! I kept dogging Kenpachi since he was one of the supervisors until he caved and shouted the results at me!"

Their jaws dropped as I smirked with confidence and pride.

"You passed?! You can already use bankai!?" They shouted in union. I chuckled at their astonishment as I puffed up my chest.

"Yes and yes! Thanks to that special class and training in my own free time, I was able to use and master it!"

"Whoa! That's great, Ichigo! Let's go celebrate your graduation _and_ captaincy!" Renji hollered as he hooked an arm around my neck and ruffled my messy hair. I scowled and roughly shoved him off, smirking at how he was laughing heartily. Rukia just smiled at our antics and her eyes shown in nostalgia.

 _'I wonder what she could be reminiscing about. Maybe it was a time when I was in Soul Society. Or maybe it was when I was a friend of theirs in the past. At this point I'm sure that Rukia, Renji, Captain Hirako, Captain Toshiro, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Yumichika were all my friends based on their reactions when I told them that I'd lost all of my memories. I think Captains Kenpachi, Kensei, Lisa, Byakuya, Kyoraku, and Kurotsuchi were my friends too, or they were at least a bit more than just acquaintances. Nevertheless, I don't trust_ any _of them._

' _Ever since I was literally shoved into Soul Society I didn't trust them - despite how I act around them. I mean, how_ could _I trust them? They still haven't told me anything about my past… though; I never insisted that they tell me. If I had pushed the matter, they may just choose to back out of the deal and punish me for whatever crime I had committed. If I get punished, I may lose what little chance I have to find out my past… even if I had to do it all on my own._

'I knew Zangetsu wouldn't help me, but it doesn't seem like it's because he doesn't

want _to. When I had met him I was shocked. He looked young and pale, he had part of a black hollow's mask and one of his eyes looked like a hollow's, however his appearance was not what I was surprised me the most. He gave me the most heart-wrenching expression I had ever seen, rushed up to me, and hugged me._

'I was flabbergasted at his actions, wondering why a spirit I had just met was hugging me, but before I could ask him, he backed away and told me that he wouldn't tell me what had happened because he has something he wanted to protect. My gut was telling me that he was referring to me, but I didn't push on the matter. Besides, he looked very torn as to what to do; almost like he wanted to help me, but he just didn't know how. It was apparent that he was wondering if not telling me was the right choice.

'Nevertheless, I respected his decision, and when he tested me to see if I was worthy to learn his bankai, I learned that I had a hollow; but for some reason, I wasn't as terribly shocked or terrified as I though I would be. It kind of surprised me that I wasn't reacting strongly to such pertinent information, but it felt like I had already known. So, instead of being paralyzed with shock, I just continued training, and I eventually achieved bankai. Then, I secretly practiced using my hollow's mask in a cave that my feet carried me to when I was roaming about. It looked like a desert area with a blue sky – even though it was underground. I didn't really question it since it was a useful space to master my hollow's mask without anyone knowing.

'I wasn't really sure why I was striving for greater power that could potentially ruin my chances of getting into the Gotei 13, but I'd realized that I was doing this all for the sake of learning my past. I'd realized that I wanted the power so I would feel less… powerless. I'd realized that I was thinking about using this power to gain captaincy so I could have enough authority and flexibility to figure out what had happened. I'd realized that I'd do just about anything to find out what had happened since I – for some

reason _– have the strong desire to know my past…_

'I could just choose to accept that I lead a new life now… but I feel as though I've forgotten something important… something that means more to me than anything that this world could

ever _offer me…'  
_  
"I-chi-go!"

"Huh?" I blinked and saw Rukia glare at me with her hands on her hips, watching me expectantly.

"Wh-what was it, Rukia?" I inquired hesitantly, glancing back at Renji and silently asking him for help. With wide eyes he gave me a firm shake of his head. ' _Looks like no help was coming my way.'  
_

For some odd reason, that thought stung. It gave me a sense of hopelessness and dread that mixed together in the pit of my stomach. Why was I plagued by my trivial thoughts?  
 _  
_"Ichigo!"

My head snapped down to look at her irritated countenance. It seems as though I had spaced out and pissed her off again.

"Ah, sorry, what were you trying to say," I mumbled as I rubbed the back of my head. She rolled her eyes at me as she huffed.

"Ugh, sometimes you're so hopeless," she exhaled and fixed me with a scowl. This sentence poked a needle into my chest. _'Why would she say that so seriously? It's not like I did anything so wrong... maybe I'm just taking everything too seriously. She surly hadn't meant that, right?'_

"Come on," she mumbled as she turned to leave. When she realized that I wasn't following, she turned to look at me with big curious eyes, as if she were wondering why I wasn't moving. "Lets go and celebrate."

"Y-yeah," I responded with uncertainly as I trailed behind the other two Shinigami.

Soon enough, all of my friends were celebrating my captaincy at Renji's place. They all talked, joked, ate, drank and had a wonderful time overall. I guffawed at some people's antics and joked with others. Kenpatchi almost started a fight with me for kicks, but it was quickly broken up and the normal party fun resumed. However, throughout the whole celebration, I felt distant.

Loneliness lurked within me even when I was surrounded by my friends. Could I really call them my friends? What do I really now about these people? Throughout all this time, it felt as though they were keeping me at an arm's length. I don't really know these people as well as I want to believe – but I had really wanted to believe that they were my friends...! Though, even if they were, I knew that they wouldn't be able to fill the hole in my heart. I knew they wouldn't be able to make me whole.

Ever since I woke up to that bizarre scene, I had always felt that there was a part of me that was missing. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it, so I chose to ignore it by acting naturally. Yet, as the time went by, the emptiness was slowly driving me crazy, it wore me down like a file on jail bars: the emptiness was a convict in my head trying to break out by filing away at my energy. So I began to think, and think, and think. Finally, right before my bankai training I had a revelation. This all had something to do with the blue-haired corpse.

When my eyes rested upon him, I felt something break inside. I was so shocked at the time - I couldn't really sort my feelings – but I remember that I felt as though I had lost something precious when I saw him… I was heartbroken. I was wretched.

I still am. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving for a man that I do not know. I'm grieving for a man that I do not remember, and I don't know _why_.

"Heeey! I-chi-go!" A loud drunken voice hollered over the numerous noises in the room. I snapped out of the gloomy daze that I hadn't realized that I was trapped in. My eyes lifted to see a shit-faced Renji barreling towards me.

Jumping out of the way, I let him stumbled face first into the chair that I was sitting in. He toppled over, taking the chair with him in a huge crash that made everyone's head turn in curiosity. Loud intoxicated laughter filled the room as I went out of my way to help the poor bastard. I sat him in a nearby chair, took his drink away, and gave him some water and an onigiri for him to snack on. He didn't seem to care about the drink and food I put in his hands as he got lost in his tipsy daze, but as soon as I took a seat next to him, he snapped out of his thoughts and stared at me in complete seriousness.

"Ya know, Ichigo," He began with an obvious slur as slouched in his chair and looked me right in the eye. "Why don't ya ask 'bout yer past? Ain't ya curious? Ya know - I don't get ya. I'd be askin' left an' right if I were you! But you! Ya just smile, say 'kay, cool,' and walk forward! Yer such an _admirable_ son-of-a-bitch!" He bellowed as he gesticulated wildly. Many emotions made their way on his face as he spoke. Emotions like bewilderment, curiosity, and… disgust. He must have been disgusted by my seemingly gallant ways as I walked 'forward.'

Not really knowing what action to take, I just stared at him with a blank mien. _''Admirable?' What the fuck? Of course I want to ask! Of course I want to_ fucking _know! … No… Stay calm… You can't be rash when you're lying to the people around you… I should act carefree, it's to be expected of my persona… besides I shouldn't take him seriously, he's drunk off his ass… I'm so stupid,'_ I reminded and reprimand myselfas I put a smirk on my face and got up from my seat.

"That I am, Renji! I'm the greatest," I lied in a cheerful tone and barked in laughter. I told him and several other - more sober - people that I felt a bit sick so I was going to leave early. They all smiled and waved goodbye to me, wishing me good luck with my new position.

Once I was far enough away from that party, I began to run. I wasn't sure where I was going since I had nowhere to go at the moment. I just wanted to go somewhere away from all of my problems. Not to my cramped apartment filled with boxes of my belongings from the academy dormitory that I was living at for the past three years. Those damn boxes reminded me that I had a new authoritative position. They reminded me that my life was going to change again. They reminded me of how much time had passed since I woke up in that park.

"Damn that fucking park!" I roared, finally erupting after holding back for years. I slammed my heels into the ground, stopping abruptly and forgetting about being cautious for once. The anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, confusion, and depression all swirled around in my chest and stomach, storming violently whilst they gripped my very core.

"Why am I so hung up on that fucking place?! Why can't I fucking move on?! Why do I feel the way I do?!" I shouted into the night. Consumed in my grief and ire, I screamed all of the questions that ate away at me every second of every day for as long as I could remember. "Why was I in that park?! Why was _he_ dead?! Why am I dead?! Why was my fucking corpse over _his_?! Why am I a spirit and not _him_?! Who was _he_?! Who was I?! What happened before I died?! Why won't anyone _fucking answer me_?! Goddamn it all! Why?! Why me…?! Why _him_ …? Who the fuck _was_ _he_ …?"

I was filled to the brim with wrath, but as I cried into the night, my anger dwindled, and my sorrow began to overflow to the point where I began to weep.

I was being gutted by the powerlessness and despair that I felt for not knowing any of the answers to my questions. I was being torn apart by the guilt and regret of that man's death. It was like my skin was suffocating me with feelings of worthlessness when I thought about his death. I was wasting away from the inside out as a permanent weight rested in my chest and on my shoulders. All of which caused the energy to seep out of my weary bones. I was sinking in an ocean of agony; the melancholy dragged me down, drowning me.

Even with all of these intense emotions, confusion squeezed itself in. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I do, why I couldn't remember, why I didn't trust anyone around me, why that man was so goddamn important to me, why no one spoke of the past around me. I just wanted to know _why_.

My mind started to reel, going faster than a fighter jet. _'Why…? Why do I know him? If I hadn't known him, then maybe I wouldn't feel so fucking shitty. Maybe I wouldn't have died, then learned that I've died by seeing my own bloody carcass. Maybe I would still be alive, living whatever happy life I was living before all of this Soul Society stuff. Maybe I wouldn't have forgotten anything!'_ Though, as soon as I thought this, the weights on my shoulder and in chest intensified tenfold. All of the depressing emotions I was being tortured with exasperated.

I wept without blinking; my tears came so plentifully that they provided enough moisture for my eyes to consistently flowed out onto my cheeks.

 _'I'm the fucking worst. Wishing I didn't know a dead guy that I couldn't even_ remember _. I don't even know his fucking_ name _… I shouldn't curse him… What the_ fuck _is wrong with me. It's not his fault any of this happened. Besides, he's… dead… fuck. It_ hurts _so much… just… just make it_ stop _.'_ I plead silently; looking up at the night sky for answers that I knew wouldn't come: asking for help that I _knew_ I wouldn't be blessed to receive.

The dark sky was filled with stars and the full moon shone as if it were producing its own light, high and bright in its place in the sky. Only when I saw the numerous stars did I realize that I had ran into the forest and stopped in a small clearing that was filled with clusters of small blue flowers that had yellow centers. My shoulders slumped as something stirred in me. A slight headache arose when a bit of forgotten information made itself known once again.

 _'I… know what these are,'_ I thought numbly to myself, feeling another small part of me die. _'These flowers are … they're forget-me-nots…'  
_  
I don't know how long I stood there crying, but I did know that it took a while for me to finally calm down to the point where I wouldn't break down again. _'I have to keep it together. I'm a captain now. I need to get a hold of myself. If I don't keep my composure, they'll figure out something is wrong, I can't let that happen. My friends can't suspect anything before I figure out what happened.'_ I repeated in my head until I mustered up the will to leave the clearing.

Eventually I had found my apartment and in my utter exhaustion I passed out asleep on the cool wooden floor of the living room.

"Whoa – Captain Ichigo – you look like shit. Did you get hammered at the party or something? I thought you left early," Vice Captain Hirako asked with mild curiosity once he saw the panda eyes I was sporting. I was on my way to formally introduce myself to the division until I bumped into him in the hall.

"Yeah, I left because I felt sick. I was so sick that I couldn't fall asleep until late into the night," I yawned, feeding him false information as I stretched.

"You sure it's just that, Captain?" He fixed me in a stare that screamed that he knew something whilst he smiled. "You seemed haunted by something. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm just nervous about meeting the rest of the division. I'll be fine," I respond quietly, without missing a beat. I directed a half-hearted smirk and a one shoulder shrug his way - all just to sell the thought that I was nervous. To be honest, I was simply tired; I just wanted him to get off my back.

"Hm, okay," he replied in a tone that told me that he wasn't convinced with my acting as he shrugged and walked towards the meeting room for the fifth division, dismissing the matter.

 _'Fuck,'_ my smirk fell into a morose contemplative frown. I walked behind my vice-captain so then he wouldn't suspect any more than he already has. _'He is a sharp one. I have to remember to be wary of him.'  
_

"Captain."

"Hm?" I hummed as I was gently pulled out of my thoughts. Hirako raised an eyebrow at me as he jabbed a thumb at the door next to him.

"We're here."

Taking a deep breath, I glanced at him, gave him small nod, and turned towards the door. "Okay, let's do this," I muttered with slight tension in my voice. Hirako hesitated for a moment before he opened the door.

I stepped through with shoulders straight, head held high, and with a confidence that seemed to roll off of me. Many skeptical and a few frightened expressions all stared at me. Every pair of eyes bore into me, as if they were trying to sear a hole in my head, but I disregarded the intimidation by smirking at them.

"Hello," I greeted loud enough for everyone to hear, and my tone that gave the impression that I was a poised individual. I cast my gaze around the room before I introduced myself.

"My name is Kurosaki Ichigo. I am your new captain. It's nice to meet you all."

"You did well Capt.!" Hirako teased enthusiastically as he pat my shoulder while we walked down a hall to our quarters. I sighed softly as my eyes fell to the floor. The first meeting went as well as it could have. Only the majority of the division glared daggers at me. Some of them looked terrified, and there were even a few who seemed aloof to the whole situation. They all didn't trust me, and they didn't seem like they were even willing to give me a chance. This undisputed fact added to the burden on my heavy shoulders.

"Captain?"

Dragged out my contemplations, I glanced back towards Hirako with a curious countenance. "Hm? What is it, Hirako?"

He stared at me with an expression that was mostly blank but had a hint of pensiveness to it. "You know what," he crossed his arms as he fixed me with a firm stare, "you are going to tell me what's wrong, right now."

"Eh?" My eyes widened for a fraction of a second before I took on a blank expression. "What do you mean?"

"Oh don't fuck with me, Kurosaki," the blonde hissed as he frowned and glared disapprovingly at me. I kept up my expressionlessness as he continued. "I know there's something wrong with you, so spit it out already."

 _'Of course there's something fucking wrong with me. I don't remember shit before I died, and not knowing is haunting me, torturing me. That's not fucking normal… losing my memories isn't fucking normal… and acting like it is, is even more fucked up.'_

"I can't spit out anything because there's nothing wrong. Come on, enough of this nonsense, we have paperwork to do," I replied casually, rubbing the back of my head and tousling my messy hair. Hirako watched at me with curious suspicion, a clear indication that I have to explain why I knew that we already have paperwork. "Before I met up with you Kenpatchi told me that earlier this morning there was a fight between a group from our division and the eleventh division. Apparently a member of the eleventh division was bullying one of our guys. It seems as though everyone in this division gets along well with one another, and – on a side-note – most of our division members seem to be well on their way to becoming great warriors based on their reiatsu."

When I finished we were standing in front of our quarters, and when the silence prolonged, I glanced over to my vice-captain to see his wide-eyed gaze at me in shock. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

The sound of my voice seemed to snap him out of whatever he was thinking as he blinked at me and gaped a bit before he spoke quietly. "You were never really good at sensing and judging others' reiatsu before. You were kind of like Kenpatchi in that way."

My throat clenched up as my body stiffened. My eyes were as large as dinner plates; I was almost mirroring his of us almost looking panicked at what had happened, and I kind of was. Hirako was usually so tightlipped, or so I had heard through the grape vine. It was amazing that out of everyone that I knew, _he_ was the first one to mention the past…

"Anyway," Hirako cleared his throat as he quickly opened the door in front of us, realizing his slip-up as his relaxed his countenance and became expressionless. "Let's get to that paper work, shall we?"

"Wait!" I lurched forward and scrambled into of our quarters. I slammed the door behind me and I turned to face my vice-captain. He had his back to me as I spoke in a rushed manner.

"Hirako, just tell me this one thing," I tried not to sound as anxious as I felt as I waited for a response.

After a minute of painstaking silence, Hirako looked over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

"Did you know a man that had really light blue hair in a spiked up fashion, and with blue-green eye make-up under his eyes? He also had light blue eyes and sharp facial features. Did you know him?"

Hirako's eyes widen a bit before he turned away from me. _'He did know him… didn't he?'  
_  
"Ichigo, just fuckin' drop it. It's over now. That part of your life is over and now you have this new _better_ life," his tone was low, almost threatening. I sucked in and held my breath. The atmosphere had instantly thickened. I swallowed, and a moment before I could demand more information from him, he twirled around, clapped his hands and chirped, "So, why don't we get started with our work."

With that, the conversation was over, and I was left with broken feelings that made me want to feel numb. I just wanted to know what happened. Not knowing was killing me; it felt as though my insides are being scooped out every time I thought about how I have no idea whom this mystery man was. Yet, despite these feelings of mine, I moved to my new desk and began to nonchalantly do my work as if my mind wasn't falling helplessly down an endless rabbit hole. At least Alice fell into a whimsical world. All I got was a bottomless pit that led to nowhere. At the time, I was so distracted with thoughts of _him_ that I hadn't even noticed that I knew classic stories from the living world.

 _'How can I fucking forget? If I had forgotten it by now, then I wouldn't have asked, now would I?! How can I even begin to forget? … Shit. Even if I wanted to forget… I can't. I just can't forget. I've tried to, but when I close my eyes I see_ him _, and_ he _haunts my dreams at night.'_

Sometimes in my sleep I see vivid images of _him_ with different expressions flash before my eyes: his scowl, his lopsided smile, his wolfish grin, his smirk, his frown, his happy countenance; they all come and go; they're all fleeting. They left me feeling empty, as if I should have been able to hold onto them… but they were the memories that weren't there for me to hold onto...

Though, I _did_ have two dreams where I saw little scenes of him doing something, but I couldn't hear what he is saying.

In the first dream, he was sitting on that same hill that I woke up on. He looked gloomy as he spoke, but no sound came from his moving lips. Damn, how I wished that I knew how to read lips... I felt as though we were discussing something very important. His expression went from sad to irritate to angry to sad again. Then he smiled at me after the seemingly long conversation, I felt something run down my cheek and a sense of relief I had never before experienced wash over me. His smile fell as he wiped away a tear and pulled me in his lap until I was done crying. After that we went to a modern-looking house that had a blue sign over it with the word 'clinic'… and then, I woke up, wondering where I was. The dream felt so real. It was like I was actually there.

In the other dream I'd had, I found myself in a crowded place. There were two people on a large stage - a drummer and a singer. Lights were flashing and shining everywhere as wonderful rhythmic music erupted in my ears. I felt sound of the bass drum vibrating through my very core as the music wrapped around me. The mass of bodies were all moving to the beat the drummer had set while they sang impactful lyrics along with the vocalist. I felt myself doing the same, and then I turned to that blue-haired man next to me. He was smirking with mirth in his eyes as he watched the stage, and then he turned to me when he felt my stare. When his eyes landed on me, his expression softened and he gave me a gentle smile, he seemed content and happy with life. I felt my heart thud against my rib cage, while acrobats leap around in my stomach in a rush to escape. I felt warmth invade me. Then… then we moved closer together and… we… we kissed.

I had woken up right after, and I felt tears pour down my face as I touched my lips. It all felt so… real. My feelings were genuine in the dream, and I couldn't help but feel woeful as I realized that… I'd had strong feelings for a man I don't remember. I… I have strong feelings for a man I don't remember. I realized that I was probably having dreams from when I was alive; these dreams were probably fragments of my memories, my heart shrivel and get torn out of my chest just to be shredded into a million microscopic pieces before I began to wonder.

Why did I even think that I was seeing my memories, and that it all wasn't just some realistic dreams? Well, it was more of a gut feeling than anything. It felt like… I was _reliving_ events that had already happened, and I'm not really sure how else to think about it. It's not like I could talk to anyone about it anyway. I know that everyone around me is avoiding the past, so I have to keep this to myself and find a way to get more information. I… I have to know what that mystery man is. I just have to…

"Captain Kurosaki!"

"Huh? What?" I was yanked out of my contemplations to see Hirako fixing me with an irritated glare as he held out his hand. I glanced from his face to his hand, puzzled as to what he wanted. Hirako huffed in frustration and scowled.

"Give me that stack of paperwork. You seem to be done with it and there's more, so hurry up."

Well, color me surprised; I looked down at my desk and I really was finished filling out the documents I had to do. I quickly scanned through the papers to make sure that I had filled them out correctly, and once I verified that they were satisfactory I slowly gave them to him. I hadn't realized that I had finished a whole stack of paperwork. Hirako huffed again and snatched the papers from me, and then he dropped two new towering piles of documents.

"We have so much damn paperwork and it's driving me up the fucking wall. Hurry up with these stacks so we can _just go home_."

"Right," I mumbled as my vice-captain was already walking out of the room. I sighed and turned to stare at the piles before I went back to work. _'Note-to-self: Hirako really hates paperwork, so do paperwork as fast as possible to avoid bitchy attitude.'_

"Hey, are you _finally_ done with your work for today?" A gruff voice asked me from the doorway of my office.

Exhaling dramatically, I signed the very last paper. I glanced up at my vice-captain and gave him a small nod. I rubbed my face and then pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to ward off an awful headache. I'd been doing paperwork and small operations for the last week, and frankly, I feel as though my eyeballs are going to fall out of my fucking orange head. _'Once I get home, I'll take a long bath, brew some tea, and-'_

"Well, not anymore," he grumbled, mercilessly bursting my bubble as he gathered a towering stack of papers into his arms and glared at them. Groaning, I pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes, hoping that they actually won't fall out of their sockets. "The captain-commander has a mission for us. Apparently there are some dangerous Arrancar in a place called Karakura Town, and we are the only ones available to deal with them. Most of the other captains are in different locations dealing with the same Arrancar issue. We need at least five captains to remain here in Soul Society, and out of the six remaining, we're the unluckiest in the bunch," he explained, his scowl deepening. "Damn, ever since the incident with Aizen, Arrancar have been popping up everywhere. It's so _fucking_ annoying."

"Wait," I huffed. I moved my hands away from my face and folded them in my lap as I regarded him with grim interest. "Arrancar have been popping up everywhere? Why?"

His expression softened as he nodded. "Yeah, we've checked almost a hundred times to see if someone was making Arrancar or some crazy shit like that, but it seems as though these Arrancar were just parts of Aizen's huge ass army that had laid low until they'd decided that now was the time to wreck havoc."

I hummed pensively, got up from my seat, and began to walk out of the office. Scoffing, Hirako began to follow me as he tried not to drop any of the papers he was carrying. "Where are you you going?"

I glanced back at him and kept my expression as blank as a white piece of paper. "Where do you think? I'm going to 'Karakura town.' I have a mission to do."

: -:

"Okay, we're here," I mumbled under my breath. I took a glance at our surroundings, and it seemed as though we were on top of a tall building. Quickly noticing the rusting wired fence surrounding the perimeter, I absentmindedly walked towards the edge and took in the view.

The sun was just rising, casting a gentle glow of various shades of pinks, oranges and purples into the azure morning sky. The small town appeared to be waking up as the light crawled lazily over the modest buildings of Karakura town.

Fresh waves of nostalgia slammed into me with so much force that I almost took a step back to steady myself. _'Have I… been here before…? Every time I've been in the living world, I've_ never _felt such familiarity with a place… Have I been here when I was alive…? No, that doesn't make sense … why would they send me to a place I might have been to before when I was alive?'_

"Captain?" My vice captain called. I turned back to him, expressionless.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" Hirako asked dubiously He seemed to be eyeing me for any signs of something being wrong. Was he observing me? _'This... is a test… Right? They want to make sure that I'm not getting my memories back, so they sent me to a place that I may have been familiar with to fucking test me. They're trying to keep my past from me, right? So … why would they take a risk like this?'_ My mind raced, but I remained straight-faced. I needed to lie: it was the only way to be able to obtain my obsession.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I responded as if it were obvious. "Let's get going; I can already feel some of the Arrancar."

 _'I also feel other reiatsu near the Arrancar… Are there people here who can fight?'_

"Fuck… Orihime! Take care of Chad! I'll deal with this thing!" A lanky guy with glasses, dark hair, and a fucking bow and arrow make with blue-white light hollered as he rolled away from a ceros. He seemed pretty beaten up, and he had large lacerations in both of his thighs. It was actually rather impressive that he could still stand up with such injuries.

Hirako and I had just arrived at the scene, and I didn't really like what I saw. In the middle of the streets of Karakura town, there was an Arrancar that looked like a bloodied lynx-wolf hybrid. It had the characteristic head of a lynx, and the larger body of a wolf. It was actually a beautiful creature, majestic and powerful in its own right; but it was _dangerous_ – more dangerous than the average Arrancar.

Upon looking at the beast, you could see its raw power in its lean legs and monstrous jaws. Its crystalline blue eyes pierced through me when it redirected its sharp gaze at me. My heart stopped. They were absolutely stunning, striking, and breathtaking. They made my blood freeze as I held my breath until my lungs burned. _'They remind me of_ him _.'  
_  
"Kurosaki?!"

I blinked rapidly before I instinctively sprang away from a ceros that was directed at me. I glanced over to my left to see the glasses guy gawk at me.

"What are you doing here?! Where have you been?!"

I narrowed my eyes at him in confused suspicion. _'He knows me? Who the fuck is this dude? ...Oh shit, that's right! That bow! I've seen it in one of my textbooks! He's a Quincy?! Those guys still exist?!'  
_  
Before I could shout at the spectacles guy to get back, the Arrancar growled threateningly at me. I turned my attention to it and lunged. I sliced the Arrancar in two, separating it's dorsal section from its ventral section, so quickly that it was as if I had fazed through it. It's blood splattered all over me while it pooled underneath the two halves of the creature. It whimpered pathetically before it closed its exquisite eyes and died. As I looked down at the poor creature, sorrow gripped my heart. I was so puzzled as to why I felt awful for an _Arrancar_ , that I hadn't heard the glasses guy yelling. "Kurosaki! I'm talking to you, you bastard!"

Sighing tiredly, I swiftly covered Zangetsu with his bandage wrappings. I glared pointedly at the scrawny male dressed in pure white. He seemed as though he was extremely intelligent and reasonable, but for some _odd_ reason, he _ground_ on my nerves. "Do I know you?" I asked slowly. My tone was a bit coarse whilst I kept my guarded scowl. Though, the other male's reaction surprised me.

He gaped at me with unadulterated shock for maybe one second before composed himself and became a blank slate. I've had various reactions, some more mild than others about my amnesia, but this one was probably the most calloused than I've been given.

"Apparently not," he muttered as he pushed up his glasses and began to walk towards his friends. The orange-haired girl was using a miraculous healing ability on the once injured large muscular man with the goatee and curly brown hair. The glasses dude, murmured something to his two friends that were regarding me in astonishment, and they had the same reaction as him. They were purely stunned, and then expressionless - as if they actually didn't care about my previous bond with them. A small sharp needle pain poked my heart at this sad thought, but then I comforted myself by saying that it was better to not know such people.

Suddenly, I felt two powerful reiatsu. They were on opposite sides of the town; one of them was nearby while the other was on the opposite side. Hirako and I exchanged glances before I spoke in an authoritative, yet polite tone. "I'll get the one on the other side of the town, you get these kids out of here before taking care of the one on this side."

"Roger."

With that I leapt from rooftop to rooftop to go kill my prey. Though, during the whole trip there, I wracked my brain on how to go about uncovering the past when the people I used to know didn't seem to care. _'Like I thought, it seems as though I can't rely on 'friends'… so how do I do this?'_

"There! Another one down! That… didn't take as long as I thought it would," I huffed as I cleaned the Arrancar blood off of my Zanpakuto. I had still not figured out what to do now that I'm in a familiar place in the living world. I sighed; placing Zangetsu on my back as I masterfully hid my reiatsu. "Oh. That's his reiatsu. It seems as though Hirako just got to his opponent… well, I guess I'll take this opportunity wander around for a bit."

 _'I'll let my feet guide me. Like Rukia said, my mind may not remember, but my body does.'  
_  
I roamed and I roamed. All of the streets looked the same, just like the monotonous buildings, but despite how dull this town had turned out to be, I liked it. It was simple, modest, and proud in it's own rights.

Yet, like a lost soul I drifted, looking for something, anything; and I did.

Just when I was about to give up searching, my legs had carried me to a small clinic that was attached to a home. The large blue sign over the clinic entrance read 'Kurosaki Clinic.'

I cocked my head to the side before I strolled through the door of the house portion and took in the cozy living space. I was a bit weary of the name, since it was my own, but I assumed that it was just a mere coincidence. I'd also inferred that I might have been here before since this was the only clinic I've seen so far, so maybe I could find a file on myself, but my curiosity compelled me to at least take a look at the house. Besides, it's not like humans could see me.

"I… Ichigo…?"

My head whirled around to find a burly man start at me with his mouth hanging open and eyes as large as dinner plates. He had short, spiky, black hair and a hairy face. Shock jolted through my body as panic trickled into my system.

"Y-you can see me? That must mean you're not a normal human," I stated in wonder, keeping my eye on him as he slowly walked towards me until he stood directly in front of me. He stared at me for so long that I started to feel uncomfortable. I glanced away from his dark eyes as I questioned him in a polite and composed tone. "I am sorry for rudely intruding into home, I just let myself in on an impulse. I am sure you know this, but I am Kurosaki Ichigo, a captain of the fifth division of the Gotei 13. Who are you, sir? You are not just any human… you're a Shinigami, aren't you? I can feel some of your spiritual power… what is a Shinigami like you doing? Living in the human world?"

His eyes only grew wider as I spoke. For a moment, I was afraid that his eyes would pop out of his head. "Mister? Are you okay?"

"Ichigo…" he called just above a whisper, pain and shock evident in his face and voice as questions poured from his mouth. "What happened to you and Grimmjow? How did you become a captain? Where have you been all these years? Do you really not know who I am, son…?"

 _'Son…'_ I thought numbly as sullen surprise and understanding washed over me. "Were you… my dad? Or are you just some old guy who goes around calling random young men 'son?'"  
The older man grew serious as he heard my response. I followed suit. The air in the room grew tense.

"You really don't remember me," he sighed as he walked to the couch and sat down. "That means that you don't remember your past. You don't know what lead you to become an occupant of Soul Society, or what happened to Grimmjow…"

He sounded so monotonous, yet he had a hollow tone in his voice that led me to believe that this man was actually hurt.

Suddenly, something struck me as odd. "I'm sorry to say that you're right, mister. I don't remember anything from when I woke up from some sort of accident that got me killed," I answered gravely, saddened that I have to tell this man upsetting news, especially if he _was_ my father. "However," I continued firmly. "Something that you'd said… has made me curious. You mentioned someone named 'Grimmjow?' Who's that?"

"Wh-what?! You really don't know?! Shit! This is worse than I'd imagined," he exclaimed, flabbergasted as he pulled some of his hair. I just gawked at him until he began to quickly explain things at random.

"Look, Ichigo, I'm just gonna tell you about two things: firstly, you were a substitute Shinigami at one point," he stated rather blunt. The shock paralyzed me, but he didn't pause. "Secondly, I'll tell you what I know about Grimmjow – which would involve explaining some things before you met him," he stated firmly, placing his hands on his knees. I braced myself as I gave him my full and undivided attention. "You had lost your powers in a huge battle. When you had lost your powers, you seemed to have change from a strong individual, to someone more reserved, but who knows, maybe you've always been like that… Anyways, you got into more fights with other students or gangs, and… I didn't know what to do about it. You were acting very strange…"

"Strange?" I asked inquisitively, quickly discarding my prior surprise for curiosity.

He nodded as his eyebrows furrowed in sorrow. I frowned. He seemed so dejected that I felt the urge to ask him if he was okay, but I didn't dare to interrupt him. "You… you always came home with bruises from fights, your peers and teachers harassed you, but those didn't seem to much out of the ordinary, so I overlooked them, thinking that a tough kid like you would be fine, but then… then you started to eat less. You never smiled. You had deep bags under your eyes. You lost weight and never gained it back. You isolated yourself in your room. You always had a sad look in your eyes. Frankly, my son, you were miserable, and I had no idea what to do, so I did nothing… Then, you brought home a castaway."

"I what?"

He laughed almost humorlessly at my deadpan response, but he quickly regained his composure. "His name was Grimmjow. He was a young man with spiky sky blue hair, sharp facial features, and-"

My eyes slowly widened. "Light blue eyes…" I whispered in awe as I completed his sentence. We sat in stunned silence before he cleared his throat. "Do you remember him now?"

I numbly shook my head as melancholy consumed my expression. "I only remember things from when I woke up."

"… Holy shit… do you mean that you-"

"I saw his corpse when I woke up. I mean, I saw mine too, but at least I know that that was me. I didn't know who the other body was… please tell me more about him! I _need_ to know." I knew I sounded desperate, but I couldn't help it. I've _finally_ found someone who would tell me _something_ about my past!

"I… I don't _really_ know much about him. You really liked him though. He pulled you out of the dark place that you were in. He was a lively, zealous, kind young man. Though, he was a peculiar one since he had more spiritual power than an average human - but I just chalked it up to how you were before getting Shinigami powers," the old man sounded nostalgic when he recalled… Grimmjow. He must have taken a liking him.

' _Grimmjow… that's his name. Why… does that name warm my heart and tear it apart all at the same time? Is it because I feel strongly for him?'  
_  
"Thank you so much, Mr. Kurosaki. I don't think I could ever repay you. However, I am afraid that I have to leave. I think my co-worker may grow suspicious if I'm gone for too long," I smiled genuinely as I turned towards the door.

"Wait!"

I stopped as casted a curious glance over my shoulder, doing as I was told. When he saw that I was actually waiting, he quickly asked me a question.

"Why would your 'co-worker' get suspicious?"

"Oh," I deflated, "because for some reason, no one wants me to find out about my past. I do not know why. Sorry, sir, I really should get going." I explained glumly before I waved goodbye and left. Truth be told, I felt somewhat panicked as dread seeped into, and wrapped around, my chest. _'Now that he knows that I wasn't supposed to learn my past, he'll refuse to tell me more. I should bail now that I have the chance.'  
_  
"Crap… should I not have told him anything?" I heard the man murmur to himself before I fazed through the door and went to find Hirako; ignoring the tiny bit of guilt I felt poking my stomach.

As I searched for his reiatsu I felt another Arrancar on the other side of town. I clicked my tongue realizing that Hirako was just going toward it. I huffed and decided to take it easy until either Hirako is finished or until another Arrancar shows up. _'I should go looking for more clues.'_ Nodding at that brilliant thought, I began to meander around, and think about my lucky encounter. _'Good thing I didn't tell him anything beforehand. He must have gotten excited about seeing me and told me what I wanted to know without a second thought. Damn, I'm awful for deceiving my father, but… considering how_ long _I've waited for_ some _sort of information - it was worth it… I_ finally _learned his_ name _… Grimmjow… just who are you? Why are you the only one that's still alive within me while my own father is nowhere to be found?'_

"Shit… how did I end up at the beach?" I grumbled, irritated at myself for getting helplessly lost. I was so caught up with my thoughts that I wasn't aware that I was standing in the parking lot to a public beach. I sighed as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Well, might as well walk around."  
I took a stroll down the shoreline, lazily taking in the view of the deep blue ocean and the shops close by, until a particularly small rustic café caught my eye.

The sight of the café blurred with the smell of seawater, and sudden images flashing before my eyes; they harassed my senses. I grunted and grimacing as my eyes screwed shut. The backs of my eyes pulsed in pain as images of Grimmjow laughing, smiling, blushing, and scowling.

 _'Shit… my memories are trying to come back… while I'm awake…! Unohana did say that something like this could happen… I need to relax. It'll only be more painful if I tried to force them to come.'  
_  
Taking deep breaths, I carefully settled myself on the sand. Once I had calmed as much as I could, an image that same café became clear, but this time, I saw him walking towards the entrance, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk as if he were checking to see if I was following him. Then, there was a warm sunset filled with yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples, cast a glow across the ocean, making the water glisten brightly, like sapphires in a display, through a large window from that café: He burnt his tongue with a cup of coffee: A figure relaxing in the sand: Someone holding my hand: He walked beside me along the sand: All of these images flickered in my vision, and they disappeared just as quickly as they had come.

With each passing image the pain got more intense until it felt like a knife was being stabbed through my head repeatedly, yet I tried to remain placid. When the images began to fade, so did the pain until I was only left with an annoying headache. I lethargically opened my eyes, completely baffled at what had just happened.

 _'I… I went to that café and this beach with Grimmjow… I saw how he looked at me…_ affectionately _when we were walking along the sand together… and I'm sure_ he _was the one holding my hand… does that suggest that… we were closer than just friends…? Then… we were together? A couple? Y'know that makes a lot of since we kisses at that crowded place… but I'm still not sure if that was a memory or just a vivid dream… Were we lovers?'  
_  
"I need to know." I stood and brushed off the sand from my clothes. _'Hirako, an ex-captain, knew him… right? Well, if Hirako knows him… then that might mean that Grimmjow may have been a Shinigami? He didn't come back as a spirit… so he wasn't human, and he had spiritual power… and if Shinigami like Mr. Kurosaki can potentially live in the world of the living… then he could have been a Shinigami, and that means that there must be a file on him! I need to finish this mission so I could get back!'  
_  
I began to run, in search of more Arrancar to take care of to be done with this mission. _'I need to go.'_

"Alright."

Swinging Zangetsu downward, I flung the blood off and created a new crimson streak on the road. I placed him on my back and went off to pursue the Arrancar that had slipped between my fingers.

' _I'm almost done with all of the enemies on this side of town. Hirako seemed to have figured out that he should take care off all of the Arrancar popping up on his side of town. By killing Arrancar that only showed up on this side, I had hoped that he'd pick up on that. Thank God he's not stupid. Anyways, I've killed about six more of them… They tried to ambush me, but I saw through their ploy and slaughtered them. One of those bastards ran away before I could spill its blood, so now I have hunt him down.'_ I paused, closed my eyes, and focused. I scanned the area for its reiatsu and I found that it hadn't gotten too far. _'It's just ten minutes away… though he's moving pretty slowly so I must have gotten a good hit in.'_ I began to swiftly stalk towards my prey; but then something caused me to halt in the middle of a deserted intersection.

I froze in place. Cocking my head to my left, I strained my ears. I heard… music and laughter. My tired legs dragged me towards these pleasant sounds. Why did I think they were pleasant? I don't think that I've heard this type of unique composition... if anything I should have thought that it was outlandish and strange, yet I didn't.

The music and lighthearted conversation grew louder. I saw two high school guys walking in my direction. They were so carefree with wide smiles on their faces. They looked so happy and content as they played their modern music on a high tech device.

The images began to rush back while the annoying pain behind my eyes returned with a vengeance."This song…! I… I know it…"

"… _I don't wanna fall, fall away_

 _I don't wanna fall, fall away_

 _I'll keep the lights on in this place_

 _Cuz I don't wanna fall, fall a…way … "  
_  
"This is… the concert. Twenty-one… pilots? The song… my favorite? _Fall away?_ " Pictures of my dream flickered in my vision. I could feel the strong bass reverberate in my core. The music became louder than it should have been. I saw the crowd's lips move with the music in the small snippets of my dream that surged forward. I saw him, illuminated in the vibrant stage lights. I heard him. Through the heart-wrenching music that plucked my heartstrings and beat on my eardrums, he muttered to me before we kissed, "I love you."

When the memory began to fade the pain exasperated. I was a statue as the boys walked past me, unable to come to my wits until the music was far enough away from me. The tension gripping my body slowly released me. I felt the air fill my lungs; I inhaled deeply to calm my racing heart. When did I drop to a knee?

 _'I… I need to get back. Grimmjow… I need to kill the Arrancar. I know you? Complete the mission… 'I… love you?' Who are you?!'_ My thoughts were ramming into each other, not making any sense, but I knew what I had to do regardless.

With the pain gone, and after catching the breathe that had escaped me, I stood, casted a sad glance over my shoulder to the boys that hadn't seen me, and searched for the Arrancar.  
I didn't need to look for long though. The Arrancar was in some sort of park. It sneered and mocked me, but I killed it before it was done with its cynical rant.

I cleaned Zangetsu of blood for the hundredth time, but as I did so, he trembled. The sorrow that he was feeling was so intense that it flooded into me; yet I had no idea what he could be reacting to. I tilted my head in slight confusion as surveyed my surroundings. The understanding crashed into me like a rushing tide.

It was the abandoned park: the one that I woke up in, the one that was the setting of one of my dreams, and the one where I saw his mangled body. My heart fluttered and plummeted all at once. He comforted me here, and… he _died_ here. Many sensations poured over me, but the emotion that overtook me was the strong urge to go back to Soul Society.

Rukia, Renji, and Byakuya were all here when I woke up… so there must be some sort of reason as to _why_ they were there, and I can't figure that out in the living world. With my resolve casted in another layer of iron, I comforted Zangetsu by tenderly touching the blade. "Thank you, Zangetsu, for being sad for me, but I have to know. I have to know him. No matter what… even if it may cause me even more pain. I need to know."

"You need to know what, Captain?"

I spun around, startled at the sudden noise. Hirako was glaring at me with his arms crossed over his chest and mouth twisted in a frown. A sudden wave of panic and fear washed over me, but I repressed it as best I could. Taking a steady subtle breath, I held my ground. Losing my cool was out of the question. I can only hope that he would just drop it.

"I need to know whether all of the Arrancar are dealt with in this town so then we can leave and write our report. Don't you want to get done with all of the paperwork?" I grunted as I placed Zangetsu on my back. I cast a bored gaze his way, and I held his eyes before he gave in and sighed.

"Oh, well I figured that you wanted me to taken care of the Arrancar on the other side of town, so I did. Y'know, we've been waiting around for a little while and no other Arrancar have shown up, so it seems as though there're no more coming. I think that we're done. It was a lot faster than I thought, but frankly I don't care. Let's just hurry up and go back. There's paperwork to be done," Hirako grumbled as he dropped his arms to open a gate to Soul Society. He walked through without hesitation, and I followed, but just as I was about to step through, a sense of nostalgia washed over me. I glanced over my shoulder for a moment before I stepped through.

"I'm sorry, Grimm," I whispered thoughtlessly while the light surrounded me and brought me back to Soul Society. Once there, Hirako and I swiftly went to our offices, threw together a report, and plowed through all of the paperwork that stacked up on our desks while we were away.

"Is this the last of them?!" Hirako squawked as he barged into my workplace. I blearily glared up at him through tired eyelids. I rubbed the weariness from my eyes and I nodded. Hirako huffed an 'okay,' gathered the documents, and left. After a few minutes Hirako returned only to inform me that he is leaving for home. I waved him goodbye, and waited as I pretended to work to cast away suspicion. Members of my division that had warmed up to me wished me a good evening and went on their way. When the last of them trickled out, I was informed that everyone had left by the last individual.

"Captain, you should get outta here too. It's pretty late. I'm sure everyone has gone home by now."

I smiled at the faceless worker and told him I'd leave after I finished the page I was writing on, and he departed. After waiting for a short period of time, I switched off the light and prolonged my stay in my office. I scanned the area with my reiatsu and found that I was the only one in the fifth division building.

I took a calming breath before I soundlessly, but swiftly, left the building and headed for the Daireishokairō. Stealthily, I smoothly avoided any stragglers that walked the halls and roads. _'My best shot at finding information is the Daireishokairō, the Great Spirit Book Gallery. Access is restricted there, so I bet that's where they'd keep records that they don't want just_ anyone _to know. There must be some important reports or a document concerning him… keeping his information in the Research Facility almost doesn't seem right… but if I can't find any information in the Book gallery, I had prepared in advanced. and sneaked all of the necessary passwords to have complete access of the Daireishokairō_ and _the research institute. All I have to do is be careful…'_

"Shit." I arrived at the entrance of the Book Gallery, but I had no clue if someone had seen me. That's what happens when you're lost in thought and you don't fucking pay attention! "Well, fuck 'careful' I guess. I better hurry the fuck up."

I opened the door as quietly as I could, and when I closed it with a soft click, I took quick steps to the strange stone that was actually a unique keyboard. My fingers flew across the keys as a holographic screen shown above me. Somehow, I managed to type his name correctly. I didn't even know that I knew I could spell his name… I didn't even know how I knew that he had a last name.

"Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez…" I whispered as I pressed the 'enter' key. I had found that there was a file solely about him and the screen told me that it was a specific filing cabinet towards the back. With my shunpo, it didn't take long to find it and shuffle through the countless files that filled it. When my eyes fell upon his file, I sucked in a breath. I plucked the file from the cabinet, dropped to the floor, slapped the file down, and almost tore it with how forcefully I had opened it. My eyes flew through the information, but as soon as I had opened the file, I stiffened. I was paralyzed by the shock. "He's a… hollow? An Espada? The sixth one? We fought? We were enemies?"

The memories started rushing back. I yelped as pain exploded in my skull. I ground my teeth and gripped my head, leaning forward with the intense sharp throbbing in my head. They all came forcefully, intensely, and swiftly. The pictures almost went backwards – starting with when I had died up to my earliest memory. They flashed so quickly that they almost seemed to overlap with each other, but that wasn't a problem.

I remembered.

Mom was murdered because of my childish incompetence. I killed the hollow, Fisher – who had killed my mother. I remember Karin, Yuzu, and my stupid Shinigami father. Rukia gave me Shinigami powers, helped me train, got kidnapped by Byakuya, and I rescued her from being executed. Renji and Byakuya were my foes, we fought, then became bothers-in-arms and friends. I fought many hard impossible battles. With my help Aizen was defeated and sealed away, losing my powers and 'friends' all in one fell swoop. Throughout it all I was miserable and _depressed_. Then, Grimmjow quite literally barged into my life when he went through my fucking window. He… was the love of my life. He was my most important person. I couldn't protect him. I lost him…

"Grimmjow…" His name fell from my chapped lips. Through hooded eyes, I glared at the open file. I didn't even have time for anguish as intense scalding indignation took over my senses.

"They killed him. Rukia… Renji… Byakuya… they murdered him… I… I!"

"Stop! Who goes there?!"

Hurried footsteps approached me. I snatched the only picture I had found in the file and tucked it away in my clothes as I slowly rose to my feet. By the sound of the footsteps, it only seems as though there were two or three Shinigami.

"Captain Kurosaki?! What're you doing here? We saw the gates of the Daireishokairō open. We thought it was someone suspicious… but it _is_ strange that you're in here. Usually no one is really allowed to come and go through here except for Captain Ukitake, and other select few people… wait… Captain Ichigo? Aren't you one of the only captains that aren't allowed in here…?"

They didn't get the chance to receive a reply though… since I struck them down and left. Materializing my mask over my face and swiped Zangetsu through the air, I destroyed the Daireishokairō.

"I'll… destroy," the growl came out gurgled and broken in a fit of wrath through my developed hollow mask. Shouts of confusion could be heard in the distance. I leapt into the air, black reiatsu following behind me in spiraling streaks as I soared towards Byakuya's home. "I'll _destroy_ all of you! Getsuga Tensho!"

The gigantic black slash ripped through the night sky and decimated the expensive mansion. As soon as my foot touched the ground I launched myself at the rubble, towards the blurred figure that came at me. Sparks flew as swords collided. Byakuya scowled and snarled at me, his countenance consumed with annoyed anger, yet he faltered when he saw the rage behind an ice cold glare that promised death. He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a grunt as I parried his sword and cut off his left arm.

"What are you doing?!When'd you get a hollow mask?! Kurosaki!"

Before he could even _register_ what had happened, he was kneeling before me. I stabbed him repeatedly in the chest, each wound varying in depth, within a blink of an eye. Ignoring his curses, I stabbed him until he fell into unconsciousness, and when he fell, I left to pursue my other targets. Speeding through Seireitei, I damaged buildings and roads as I searched. I was like an ominous wind that wrecked destruction as I went; I destroyed the path with every footfall as I looked for my prey. Within a blink of an eye, I reappeared before my 'friends.'

"Ichi… go? You got you're… hollow's mask back? Why…? What're you doing, you moron?!" She squeaked, her voice trembled as the terror was etched into her features. Renji took a tentative step towards me, standing between her and me whilst he glared and analyzed me.

"Ichigo," he called in a low and cautious tone, as if he were addressing a dangerous beast. "Are you _really_ betraying your _friends_?"

Prolonged silence hung over our heads. A fresh new wave of ire crashed into me. "Friends?" my gnarled voice practically rang through the night. "I don't have any friends to betray. At least, not here in this wretched place."

Within the span of a single moment, I lunged forward and broke his right arm. In shock, he was unable to move as I littered his torso with lacerations. His face was contorted in pure disbelief, pain, and confusion, and when his mouth opened in an attempt to yell at me, I quickly jabbed him in the back of the head, effectively forcing him into unconsciousness.

Suddenly, something white hurtled toward me. I blocked it with ease.

"So _what_? Are you just taking out your anger?!" She snarled with tears in her eyes.

"'Anger?'" I knocked her off balance and kicked her in the abdomen, sending her flying a few yards away. "I'm far beyond anger. Even _I_ could practically see the malice rolling off of me. I don't think it's so simple – and as miniscule as – petty anger. There is a single word to describe what I'm feeling. Though, it would also be incorrect for saying that this is revenge. This is… harvesting what you've sown. It's getting what you gave."

She took her time getting up on unsteady legs. She scanned the ground and found her sword was a few feet away from her. "How is _that_ any different from revenge?"

"Well," I began evenly, disappearing and reappearing right before her, "revenge is such an ugly word. This is _retribution_. Soul Society, my so-called 'friends,' you've taken everything. I have nothing more to lose. So, why should I care about what happens?"

"You have your life to lose!" She bellowed as she tried to make a counter attack with one of her Shikai's special abilities, but I disarmed her before she could move into a battle stance. I pointed Zangetsu at her, tilting my head a bit to the side as my eyes narrowed into dangerous slits and my tone became lifeless.

"I lost that too; don't you remember? _You_ took it."

The realization, shock, and terror in her eyes were clear, but they didn't make me feel anything but _ireful_. With intensified emotions, I lunged at her, growling menacingly and watching her face crease with horror. In one fell swoop, I cut off her right leg, and cut her inner left thigh where her artery used to be intact.

She howled in agony, writhing in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Yet, her cries were quickly fading as I dashed away to vandalize the rest of Seireitei.

"What do you think you're doing, Ichigo?" A distorted voice asked almost softly, as if it weren't a gnarled mess.

I halted and glared over my shoulder. Hirako returned my glare with his bankai out and mask donned. "Are you so blinded by rage that you're willing to take innocent lives?"

"'Blinded by rage?' Maybe… but tell me, Hirako, have you felt anyone's reiatsu disappear? Anyone accept for Rukia's, that is."

My former vice-captain tensed and blinked at me stupidly. "I… I don't feel Rukia's… but how would I know about the other random bystanders that may have been in the buildings you demolished?"

Humming, I shifted my weight to one leg in a small stretch as if I weren't boiling over with storming emotions; as if I weren't drowning in scalding hot water. "Hmm. I guess you wouldn't. I'll have you know only her blood is really on my hands in this treason of mine. I caused mayhem before I attacked; I only assaulted people and killed one. I only targeted buildings that were most likely evacuated and empty. Anyone who got caught up in the fray is not my responsibility. I'm not responsible for every damn person's life. I can't be. Especially when I couldn't even protect the one that I loved the most."

The blond man was speechless, not accepting or denying what I had said. Clicking my tongue, I moved so quickly that even he couldn't react before I knocked him into unconsciousness.

 _'It's time for me to go.'_ The thought occurred to me as I skillfully avoided the other captains that were raring to maim me. I took off my mask and hid my reiatsu before I took a complicated route to the gates to the world of the living. _'This way, I could evade pursuers, and get to my destination.'_

Once I reached the gates, I knocked out the operators and powered it up. It didn't take as long as I had thought; it was a stroke of luck. It must have been ready to send someone off in the living world in the morning.

I could already feel the chief-commander's reiatsu flaring up, hearing the news of my betrayal I bet, but it was not as intense as it could have been. Either way, I had to get the fuck out of there before he decided to come and kill me. I was not gonna' die in a vile place like this.

I glanced over my shoulder one more time to see the destroyed city of Seireitei in a panic before I made my escape. I couldn't help but wonder that maybe the chief-commander understood why I did it, but was still pissed about it. A humorless chuckle fell from my chapped lips as I raced to Karakura town. _'Sounds like something he would do… that crazy old man.'  
_  
Within a few seconds, I launched out of the tunnel between Soul Society and the world of the living, just to be met with a wet stinging sensation on my skin. Disregarding the cold for a moment, I spun in mid-air. Watching the gate close, I scanned the area with my reiatsu. I was relieved to find that no one was fast enough to follow me.

'It'll take some time for them to re-open the gate. I have to get to him. I… don't really want his help… but I can't get to where I want to go without him… hopefully he'll help me out…'

"Fuck, why am I so fucking drenched, and it's freezing… oh," I began to hiss as I removed my mask, but as I actually realized that I was in Karakura town; my voice dwindled into a pathetic murmur.

I was on the roof of my high school, and it was _pouring_.

The early morning sky was a dark shade of gray. The water droplets fell in thin streaks that hit my skin and ricocheted in smaller drops. It was like being lightly poked by small needles. I stood there, in numb agony, searing guilt, and nauseating grief, as I lethargically looked up into the morose sky, ignoring the rain stinging my narrowed eyes. The pure ferocity that had sedated my other emotions wore off instantaneously as my world came _crashing_ down on me.

Every muscle in my body tensed. My windpipe closed up, my lungs refused to accept oxygen, my stomach tied itself to knots, and my heart shattered and tore up my internal organs. It was as if my whole body was screaming in sorrow, irritation, and loss. Warm streaks that ran down my cheeks greatly contrasted with the cold as a heartbreaking question fell from my lips in a tone filled with loss, "When will the rain stop?"

At the sound of my own voice, I snapped myself out of my melancholy torpor. I shoved my emotions as far down as I could and when the tension left me, I sped off. _'I-I have to go... I need to escape. Before they come here. I can't dwell. Keep going._ Keep going _!'_

Within a minute or two, I was walking into the shady candy shop. "Urahara."

"Hmmm?" the man called from his spot on the floor where I had found him when I was with Grimmjow. Regarding him with a blank expression, I waited. He seemed to have understood what I desired when he sighed, stood, and began to walk to the special training room that was identical to the one I had stumbled upon in Soul Society when I was training: when I was ignorant. Mechanically, I followed his lead, ignoring the strained silence that hung over us, yet the other just couldn't stand the tension. He questioned me with his rare serious tone, "You know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

"Please, Kurosaki-kun. We both know what I am speaking of."

"Why don't you enlighten me?"

He stopped in his tracks and spun to face me. "You remember your past and you know about his gigai. Don't you?"

"… Yes." I partially lied. _'Maybe I could hear the truth right out of the horse's mouth…'_

With wide eyes and a gaping mouth, he spoke in hushed puzzlement, " That's… good, I guess, but then why are you not trying to kill me? With your developed powers and the _proper_ training you had at Soul Society, you're so powerful that you could probably kill more than half of the captains and still fight toe to toe with Yamamoto."

"Come now, Urahara-san. You're the genius that made the gigai that could imprison whoever went into it! Why don't _you_ fucking tell _me_?"

His countenance fell in shame and regret as his dropped to the ground and stayed silent. I didn't want to believe that he wasn't arguing or defending himself. It was only a theory… well I guess it wasn't just speculation anymore…

"Urahara," I sighed, "I'm not going to kill you for three reasons."

Reluctantly, he returned his gaze to me as he became curious as to what I had to say.

"First of all, I'm not going around killing everyone. I don't want more blood on my hands and Grimm wouldn't want that either. For two, I need you to open that gate. Finally, I can't stay mad with you."

"Wh-what?" he breathed, the shock was obvious in his features. " _Why_?"

"You gave him a gigai. Be it rigged or not, you gave us the chance to _see_ each other again. You gave us the chance for us to be together, so for that I can't stay angry. You've also helped me out a lot of times before that."

"Kurosaki-kun…" he murmured as he turned. He began to open the gate, but something that I've been puzzled about since I got my memories back and when I was able to think a bit clearly without being overcome with emotions.

"But may I ask a question before I leave?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you do it?" Instead of sounding accusing, the sound defeated clawed its way out of my throat. He hesitated for but a moment before he finally opened the garganta and turned to me.

"He was an Espada. That was the only reason... Anyways, you're lucky that I thought you'd come here when I heard that you were going berserk, I already had most of this set up, now go. We wasted too much time and I'm sure I just felt a gate from Soul Society open up. Goodbye, Kurosaki Ichigo."

A hollow chuckle rose from my chest as I walked up to the black opening. "Goodbye, Urahara Kisuke. Oh, and one more thing before I go."

"Hm?"

"Destroy this gate. I just want to be left alone. I won't come back, but I know they'll come eventually, so I need to at least hinder their chances of pursuit."

"… Sure, Kurosaki-kun. Farewell."

As soon as he said 'sure' I jumped through the garganta, barely hearing his final goodbye. I landed on my flawless reiatsu path, and ran. Before long, tears were streaming down my face again. I tried to keep it together so then my reiatsu path wouldn't crumble and I wouldn't plummet into the darkness.

When I landed on the soft gray sand of Hueco Mundo, I fell to my knees and broke down. Choked sobs wracked through my body. The intense sense of guilty loss burrowed into my chest and squeezed the air out of my lungs. "I-if I only had as m-much power as I have now! He wouldn't have d-d-died!" I hiccupped; my voice was trembling and cracking. "If I didn't g-get held back that day! I could h-have gotten there sooner! I could have-I could have…! What could _I_ have done…?"

The helplessness drained whatever energy I had in my muscles. My insides were reduced to shreds before the emptiness ate away at tenderized organs. I was being killed from the inside out. My antidote wasn't here to sedate the burning guilt that was stabbed into my gut and poisoned me.

I knew… I fucking knew that he wouldn't want me to agonize over him… but I can't help it. I'd _forgotten_ him. I can't beg for his forgiveness either because he's dead! He's dead… he doesn't even have a fucking grave…

"Oh, Grimmjow… I'm so sorry…! I'm sorry you fell for a such useless man like me…"

I had no idea how long I sat there. I'd cried all of the tears that I could, but I was still drowning the empty agony of it all. I'd lost everything. I have nothing to return to. Yet, I still got up when my legs felt strong enough to carry me. I still fought whatever hollow tried to eat me.

At first, I didn't really know why I still fought, but then I realized that it was Zangetsu that was pushing me forward, giving me his strength to continue.

Eventually – maybe it was a few hours, maybe several days – we reached Los Noches. I stumbled through the front door and quickly discovered that it was vacant. It was still in shambles from the last time I was here. No one had bothered to fix the place, but that was just fine by me. It reminded me of the last time I fought him, when I fell for him. A fresh new wave of anguish and exhaustion washed over me.

"Fuck," I whispered. I trudged ahead until I found a room with a bed that wasn't ruined. Falling onto the bed face first, I was asleep before I even hit the bed.

After resting for who knows how long, my eyes fluttered open and I found myself tangled in sheets. I slowly sat up and remembered everything that had happened that land me in this unfamiliarly dank room. I scanned my surroundings and found the young black-and-white Zangetsu materialized before me.

"Ichigo…" He sounded so sad. Frowning, I slowly stood, despite every muscle in my body protesting.

"Zangetsu, I'm sorry. I bet you must be very upset for me and at me. I'm sorry you had to drag my ass all the way over here. I just-"

"I know, Ichigo." He interrupted was he walked over to me and gave me a hug. "I'm not upset. I know why the rain won't stop. It may be pouring now, but one day it'll turn to a drizzle. I'm okay; besides, I think I'm starting to get used to it. So, don't worry about me. Worry about yourself, Ichigo. You have to live."

"But-" Tightening his grip, he silently stopping me from continuing my weak protest.

"Do you really think Grimmjow wants you to die, Ichigo?"

Shocked into silence, I sucked in a breath and held it.

"Do you think I want you to die? I wouldn't use almost all of my power to drag your sorry butt here, idiot. Don't die, Ichigo. You are probably the only one that has happy memories of him. Let him live on with you. Okay?" he asked almost desperately, burying his face into my shoulder.

His movements pulled me out of my stupor. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water before I took a breath and rested my cheek on his head. "Yeah… Zangetsu. I'll try my best to stop the rain."

It was a promise.

I wasn't sure how much time had pasted since then, but I did know that had been a pretty long time since my hair had grown out to be so long… and it had taken so long for the pain in my broken heart to ebb away, but eventually my grieving turned into sad nostalgia. I didn't even feel as much pain as I did whenever I looked at the picture of Grimmjow that I had stolen from his file. He looked like a maniac with his wide crazed eyes and grin, but I knew who he really was. When I showed it to Zangetsu, he took it and managed to stick it up on the wall in the room I called my own… Damn. I wonder what would have happened if Zangetsu wasn't there for me.

Zangetsu made an effort to make sure I was okay by asking how I was feeling and talking with me. We spent most of our time lounging and finding ways to shoo away the boredom. At one point we re-built Los Noches, and now – since word got out that I was here – Hollows, Arrancar, and Espadas challenge me to fights. It was more like a competition of sorts that occurred every once in a while.

The Hollows would fight among themselves while the Arrancar and Espada did the same. Then the one who came out on top would challenge me. I had an undefeated streak. Though, once in awhile random Espadas that want to prove their strength outside of these tournaments challenged me. Other than these instances, I was mostly left alone. They all knew that I was a force to be reckoned with, so they just avoided confrontations with me.

All of these lovely distractions helped me come to terms with several things. I'd realized that my life isn't really all my own. I have Zangetsu, and Grimmjow's memory, to live for. Zangetsu just wanted to protect me, so I made sure not to go off and die without at least a fight. I knew how it's like to lose someone you want to protect…

I was just about to reminisce about the times with Grimmjow with love instead of guilt, until suddenly, I felt a large wave of reiatsu. _'So they've finally come.'_

"Ichigo." I glanced over my shoulder to see Zangetsu's face twisted into a snarl.

"I know. Let's go say 'hi.'" Smiling coldly, I got up from my spot at a large window.

"Ichigo, can't you feel that? They're a lot stronger than you. It's only us versus them! Do you want to-!"

"No," I interrupted him firmly. "I don't want to die. I'm not planning to die, but if I don't go, who's going to protect this home we've built? … Who's going to protect the home Grimmjow had before he came to me?"

He gave me a hard stare before he sighed heavily. I chuckled as I waited for him to fade back into my Zanpakuto, and I was off.

The war between Soul Society and myself was long and hard. Several strong Espada that I had managed to befriend came to help me, but when I saw that we were losing, I commanded them to leave. They were stubborn, but after I activated the move that would make me lose all of my powers, they reluctantly ran to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I had managed to subdue all of the captains, but when the captain-commander got involved, Zangetsu left me before I was able to give him the finishing blow. I was unlucky to the very end. It was almost funny, wasn't it?

It was an epic battle for the ages. I had almost done it. I almost defeated Soul Society. I wonder if Grimm would be proud of me for defeating all of the 13 captains, or disappointed for losing the war, or maybe he'd sad that I'd lost. Who knows? It didn't matter now. I was just a powerless spirit before the almighty captain-commander of Soul Society. The tip of the fiery Zanpakuto was pointed between my thin orange eyebrows. I could feel the hairs on my face singe as he spoke.

"Do you have any last words, _traitor_?" the old man growled and hissed.

"Yes, a few," I murmured. He paused to let me speak. I bet there was a distant look in my eyes as I spoke, "I'm sorry Zangetsu. I hope you're at a happier place. I hope I stopped the rain for at least a short while."

"Is that all?"

"Just one more thing."

He seemed to be reluctant, but he was the one that had asked, so he permitted me to speak.

"Finally," I whispered, ignoring the old man's confused countenance as a small, almost relieved smile touched my split bloody lips. "I've made you wait, Grimm. I'm finally going to see you again."

Yamamoto seemed to be sad about what I had said, but I didn't care. I felt a sense of peace unfurl in my chest as the Zanpakuto came hurling towards me.

I thought I heard him say 'sorry' before he impaled me through the head with his sword.

I finally died. I was plunged into darkness. I drifted in the dark for a short while, and just when I was about to give in to the nothingness and completely fade away… I saw a light peer though the shadows. Through the light, a familiar hand, handsome smirk, and lovely blue appeared before me. The perpetual melancholy began to fade as a spark of _hope_ flickered in my chest.

"Grimmjow…?"

 **THE END?**


End file.
